I had been planning a field trip to a local model train museum for several weeks and I was wondering if funeral plans and such would rearrange the event, but God had something else in mind.  The morning of, I was again overwhelmed with the pain and found it difficult to pull myself out from under my pillow and I turned to God in my distress.  “Lord, you are going to have to help me.  I cannot do this today on my own.  There is no way I can function like this.  I’m in charge.  I need a clear head in order to handle the responsibilities of a possible 20-some children plus adults and I have no backup plan if it rains.”

Just about then I hear a serious scream from my youngest.  I’m out of bed in the blink of an eye and off to see the problem.  He is throwing up and I quickly determine that we both need a bath.  He gets his first and gets sent off with a sibling with appropriate instructions and the day begins.  “Thank you, Lord, for getting me out of bed.”

My help arrives, takes in the situation, realizes I’m not emotionally up to par and refrains from asking the tons of questions I know she wants and needs answers to, until I am emotionally ready to handle them (like 4/5:00 p.m.).  “Thank you, Lord, for her patience and sensitivity.”

Nanna is more than willing to help with watching Caleb(3) so that the rest of us can continue with our trip without fear of infecting everyone else and worries over the comfort and cleanliness of having a sick child come along.  “Thank you, Lord, for her willingness to help.”

The sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky.  I focus on that, reminding myself that the Lord has answered my prayer.  The sunshine brings a strange comfort.  I know that God is there, that He cares, and that He provides the grace.  I cling to that.

The trip goes off without a hitch and I was even able to push everything aside to be dealt with later and actually enjoy the day.  God is good.  He’s not just good, He’s great!

Somewhere in the midst of that day I realized again just how wonderful it is to be loved and cared for by my Saviour.  And strangely enough I found myself glad to be in the midst of such trying circumstances.  I’m not happy about another death and the pain that comes with that.  But I have come to appreciate the depth of my relationship with my Saviour during the difficult times.  I told Jasper that I was sorry for his loss but not sorry about the time He would get to spend with God.  In some ways I envy him.  It’s the darkness of night where you can see the light most clearly.

Lord, I’m sorry that I have allowed so much to come between us.  I’m sorry that I haven’t put the effort into our relationship that I should have.  I’m sorry that I waited until a crisis in my life before I turned to You for help with every little detail.  Thank you for loving us and caring for us, no matter how strange and stupid we are.  I love you.

I’m sorry for your pain,

but I’m not sorry for your growth.

I’m sorry for the hole in your heart,

but I’m not sorry for the peace that fills that hole and soothes the frayed edges.

I’m sorry that you feel the loss,

but I’m not sorry that you had something so precious to lose.

I’m sorry you no longer have the love of a wife,

but I’m not sorry for the love that continues to surround you.

I’m sorry you are about to face one of the hardest years of your life,

but I’m not sorry for the time you will spend with God.

I’m sorry for your lost relationship,

but I’m not sorry for the many you have gained.

I’m sorry for your painful vulnerability,

but I’m not sorry for a soft heart that God can mold, shape, and use for His glory.

And so Jasper, I’m sorry, but then again . . I’m not.

Lean on Him.

Sounds lovely!  To be honest, it feels great.

No matter what this world tells you, Parenting Is NOT For Singles!  It wears you out and wears you down.  I am very thankful for the fact that my Lord foresaw the problems we would face in a sin cursed world and created the family and the church body to help.  I don’t know where I would be without them.

However, there are just some things that even family and church family just can’t do.  My spirit has been overwhelmed with the noises of necessary tasks, needy children, and my own desires.  The clash and clamour of the world was drowning me and finally early this week I said “Enough.”  I needed a break, my kids needed a break from Mom, and I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by just trying to hang in there.  So I made arrangements for a babysitter for the weekend and I skipped town.

It has been an interesting weekend.  I got to relax in a hot tub, do a bit of swimming, didn’t do much cooking (warmed up a potato and some soup), and hardly talked to anyone.  It took me at least 24 hours to get used to the quiet.  I tried going to bed early the first night and ended up being up later than I usually am.  I’ve managed to accomplish quite a bit on my computer (really have a hard time focusing on computer work with kids running around so it was nice to catch up), and even had some time for some playing.  And most importantly I’ve had some time to talk to my Lord uninterrupted.

I’m really not ready to go home yet. . . but I guess sometimes soldiers are called into battle even when they aren’t prepared.  It’s the Lord’s job.  He will have to do it.

Please pray for spirit revitalization and more of God’s grace.  Thank you all so much!

I do have a ministry.

I have RememberingDan, I have my writing, I have piano playing at church, and of course, my kids.  They don’t seem like ministries.  That’s like . . . breathing.  I just do them because I almost have to.  Should our ministries be so much a part of who we are?  Is my search for a ministry in reality a search for something else?  Maybe worth or a sense of achievement . . . maybe stability or security . . . maybe a desire to be needed . . . maybe a commitment that will show me that I can be disciplined . . maybe attention or notice (I like to think I’m not that shallow, but I guess I’m still human and susceptible to their normal foibles) . . . maybe friendships or validation . . .

If this is true (that it’s actually a search for something else–it would be helpful to narrow it down to what it really is) then it would be more effective to apply the correct bandage directly over the wound.

I do need to remember that it is the Holy Spirit who is empowering me to do my ministries and if I try doing another ministry just to cover up another need in my life then the lack of the Holy Spirit will be noticeable and all I will reap will be exhaustion, frustrations, and more problems.

My effectiveness even in child-rearing is dependent upon the Holy Spirit, not on what I do or how perfectly I achieve my goals or even live my life.  He is the one who is working in the lives of others.  My impact is only of value if He chooses to use it, which I believe He will if I am working under His direction.

Dan and I used to wonder just what made heaven so great.  Other than the fact that the alternative was a less than pleasant idea, logically speaking we couldn’t figure out why we would want to have a huge mansion in a city full of people.   Tonight I figured it out.  We were thinking of heaven as a place.  But heaven isn’t a place, heaven is the presence of God. 

Think of the saying “home is where the heart is.”  We realize that the house doesn’t make a home, it’s the people, your family, that makes a place a home.  It’s the same way with a church.  The church building doesn’t make a church, it’s the people who use the building, the body of believers, that make up the church.  Heaven is the same way.  It’s not a building, a city, or a place, it’s the people you are surrounded with, it’s being in the presence of the Almighty God, it’s the lack of sin, pain, and death.

Now how cool is that?!!

Exciting.  So many things going on.  It was my day to play the piano so there were responsibilities there to think of, clothes to remember, friends who came for the special day to greet, children to calm, others to reassure that they were important, too . . . We threw a party at our house after the service so family could celebrate. Something simple since it was Sunday and no one wanted to clean up the mess or even make it to begin with.  Kids were too wound to take naps, no time to practice for special music during the evening service.  Good messages.  Good fellowship.  Good God.

I cried on the way home.  One of the first of many important events in the life of his children and Dan missed it.  I even wore my wedding dress (shortened and added a little red sweater) and a necklace that Dan gave me.  And he didn’t even bother to show up and tell me how pretty I looked.  Sigh.

But God was there and I think He was pleased. 

 Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

I could be married several years down the road, I could be an old maid, I could have more kids, I could have less.  God knows my future and He knows my dreams.  I have to let it rest in His hands.  My story isn’t told just yet.  You have to live through the pain and uncertainty before your story can be told.

There was a young woman who lived with a crew,

She had so many shoes she didn’t know what to do.

Sneakers for this one, and boots for that,

To top it all off there was a matching hat.

The piles they did make by the front door and back,

Caused her to yell, “I want a sack!”

She packed them all up and threw them o’er her shoulder.

The weight of it all felt like a great big boulder.

The weight made her grouchy like the Grinch from another tale,

“When will it all end!” she began to wail.

“I can’t do it alone, I just want to quit.

I want to stop cleaning for just a little bit!”

“We want to help.  Yes, Mommy, we do!”

Came the voices of the owners of all those shoes.

Just a few minutes or maybe more,

And all those shoes ran out the door.

Mommy sat down with a great big thump,

“Why oh why, was I such a grump?”

This burden I carry is not mine at all.

God will take it if I but call.

Some of you laugh and say “Oh, that’s so cute!”  And I must admit, that reaction was my original intent.  But to tell you the truth the more I thought about this silly little poem, the more I realized just how true it was.  I have been getting caught up in the silly frustrations that are an everyday occurrence in our lives and I have been piling them all into a big sack that I keep trying to carry around with me. 

Most of my friends and neighbors don’t see that sack, but I’m guessing they can see the results.  Maybe they see that my smile is a bit harder to come by, or maybe they can hear the self pity that laces my conversation.  Maybe they don’t see it at all, but I do, and I know God does.  And He is wondering why I don’t trust Him enough to hand Him the sack and let Him carry the burden for me.

So, I guess I need to start my new year off right, hand over my sack, and have a childlike enjoyment of the days to come; free from the frustrations and worries that drag me down.

Those words have been floating around in my head a lot the last couple of days.  I am weak.  This single parenting stuff is tough.  And there are many days when I don’t think I can handle it.  But God is gracious and He has provided the strength to continue on.  The roller coaster ride of “We are doing just fine – - Oh, there is just so much I can’t do!” drives me bananas.  I like things neat, orderly, and systematic. And currently my life is pretty much anything but that.

At least ‘He is strong.’  He’s my shoulder to cry on, my strong arm to hold me up, my warm hug when the days are rough, my advice when I don’t know what to do, and my comfort when I know I’ve failed again.  He has promised to work THROUGH me, and I’m going to hold Him to that promise.

I am alone looking contentedly around me when he appears.  I smile recognizing our friendship.  He reaches out and grabs the tips of the three fingers on my right hand and pulls, “Come on, I have something to show you” he says, his voice is excited and I smile at his enthusiasm.  As we hurry toward our destination I am dimly aware of the fact that he has not released me and his thumb is slowly caressing my fingers in a silent question I’m not sure I dare acknowledge.  We enter a room lined with several bookshelves and I tease him about his lack of books in comparison to my own library.  He takes the joke good naturedly as he scans the shelves in front of him looking for a particular book.  He doesn’t let go of my hand and I am content.

The dream flickers and again I am alone.  My destination is unknown, but I must pass through this long room, lined with many people who know me and who have been watching my life.  He appears at the other end.  His destination leads him past me in the direction from which I have just come.  Once again we smile in recognition of our friendship, but after the last incident there is just a little bit more involved and our hearts smile as well.  We must pass closely as the room is narrow and many people line the walls.  Our hands brush and automatically clasp as we try to maintain the connection midst the business of our lives.  We continue on our separate ways holding on as long as we can and I am aware that everyone around can see that our hearts have communicated even if our lips have not.

As I leave the room I am aware of heads bending toward each other and whispered speculations being shared: some are smiling, some are worried.  I am thankful you care.  I’m glad you have noticed, but worried that you might push.  These things take time and our hearts need to slowly strengthen the bond we share before we even dare consider the future.

When I wake up I am amused by the emotions I still feel.  The contentment is still there.  My heart is still smiling dimly in recognition and I feel peaceful.  What does it all mean?  Is there a face to the other heart in my dream.  I long for that connection of hearts again, but there is peace in knowing that God is in control.  His connection to my heart is real and far stronger.  I will rest in Him.