“He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.”

This WILL be beautiful in HIS time.

No man can understand the big picture that God is creating.  We must rest and trust in His wisdom, love and perfection.  He WILL make it beautiful.

Some days I really empathize with Solomon’s “vanity of vanities, all is vanity” theory on life. 

Muscle those depressing thoughts into submission.  Shove them back into Satan’s box where they belong.  GOD has proven that He can be trusted and He loves us.  Relax.  It will work out just like He wants it to.

I watched you try so hard to avoid this particular pitfall and here I am, up to my neck in the mud.  You saw and felt the pain this could bring and you were determined that you would do better.  I didn’t think I had anything to fear.  That’s pride speaking.  Pride is a nasty, subtle beast that steals its way into the heart and mind of its victim and slowly penetrates to the very core and spreads it’s venom in ever widening circles. 

But for the grace of God, there go I. 

Why aren’t you here to snap me out of this and push me on?

We’ve heard “pride comes before a fall”

And that’s the reason why,

When proud folks fall flat on their face,

They’re served a “humble pie.”

Its taste is bitter on the tongue,

And brings tears to the eyes,

But once accepted and digested,

It makes the eater wise!

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I took a breath and a moment of silence to control my temper and here is my response (in a very whiney tone, of course)(how does one spell whine anyway?).

“You know, I want to whine too.  Moooommmm, someone hurt me!  Moooommmm, why do I have to forgive?  Moooommmm, why do I have to share my toys and my time?  Moooommmm, I don’t want to clean up this mess!  Moooommmm, I don’t like this!  Moooommmm, I want this to be different!  Moooommmm, It’s not fair!”

Now, take out the Moooommmm’s and put in “God!” and you have a pretty good synopsis of what I feel like this morning.

Then the clincher.  I looked at my child, took a deep breath and said with all the sarcasm I could muster, “But I am a responsible adult and I will not whine.”

I wonder if God thinks I’m doing o.k. at that ‘adult’ thing.

Thought:   The dance made it worthwhile?  But what if I can’t remember the dance anymore?  So much of Dan has been relegated to the past and like all things in the past the edges blur, pieces are missing, and the worst part is that he just isn’t a part of my daily life.  So, all I’m left with is the pain and some blurred memories that get more and more distant.

Praise the Lord the song is wrong.  Yeah, the dance was wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for anything, but that’s not what makes it all worthwhile. 

Payden (2) kissed me the other night.  I’ve been cuddling him for a minute or two before he goes to sleep and then I give him a big kiss before I leave the room.  The other night he turned to me, put his little hands on my face, puckered up and gave me the sweetest kiss I’ve had since Dan died.  He was so cute.  Then he giggled like he thought he was hot stuff.

We went to a basketball game last night.  It was a “Just for Fun” game and they let a bunch of the little kids play a mini game at half time.  Benjamin (7) did well; Josiah (6) wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but he kept trying; Abigail (5) just stood there confused until a basketball hit her on the head.  =)  It was fun to watch and they did really well considering they’ve never “played” a game before.

So, I guess you could say that in one sense the kids make it all worth while, but if I didn’t have any kids would it still have been worth it?  And I still would have to say yes.

Dan expanded my world to such an extent that I can’t even begin to touch on all the ways he has changed my life.  The world is bigger.  I know many wonderful people now that I never would have met without Dan.  I am so much more aware of politics, environmental hogwash, world news, and the mechanics of cars, computers, and, engines to name a few.  Our relationship with each other (and the kids) made me much more aware of the variety of people, their characteristics, and their personalities. 

I would not be who I am today if it were not for Dan.  And since I happen to like who I am I would have to say that Dan was good for me.

And the icing on the cake would have to be my spiritual walk.  Living that close to anyone will either improve or ruin your relationships.  I like to think that living that close to Dan helped me in my walk with the Lord.  And if living with him didn’t do it, than living without him is definitely a push in the right direction.

So, the conclusion is still that it’s worth it.  I just have to remind myself of that on days like this when it hurts so much I can’t stop crying.

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But he was telling me he had to go.

Others needed to hear of Jesus.

He was distracted and I could see  he wasn’t mine anymore.

He’s fading.  My mind can’t fill in the details of his face as well as it used to.

He’s going/gone no matter what I want.  Sigh.

I have to admit that Dan is probably one of the reasons our electric bill is as low as it is.  So many of our discussions were instrumental in helping me make decisions on the house.  We used some kind of spray-in, foam insulation stuff that he had been researching (and talking about) for years that has worked wonders at keeping the wind out despite the fact that we are located in the middle of a wind tunnel.  The appliances that were chosen, the light fixtures, even the habit of wandering around and turning off lights after the children, Dan was very much a part of all that.

I defined a problem the other day.  When it gets too cold to run outside to the mailbox without a coat (and there’s no snow to encourage the older ones to play outside), it is often difficult to get the mail.  The act of putting on a coat and shoes alerts the kids to my momentary absence and well, . . . it’s not a pretty sight.  Some days I can squeeze it in or convince someone else to get it for me, but there was a time frame there where I’m sure the mail lady thought we had gone on vacation.

So,

Problem: Getting the mail in cold weather

Solution:  =) here’s where Dan comes into play again.  Dan and Leigh (Dan’s best friend) and I came up with the idea of motorized mailboxes that drive to the post office, or at least up to the door, way back the first year we were married.  It got totally elaborate and crazy at the time and of course no one bothered to even put it on paper much less create one.  So this problem reminds me of that previous conversation and the gears start turning.

Motor is good.  Got to keep it out of the weather.  Wheels no good in the snow.  Wire good.  Do it via “air mail”.  Simple pulley system would work fine.  Got to keep the wires out of the way of big trucks driving through the yard.  Don’t want the kids strangling themselves, etc.  Easier to plow around if there is no post.  Wonder what the mail lady would think.  The laundry line seems to work fine in cold weather.  The biggest problem would be getting the line high enough that it doesn’t interfere with the yard (the house is at least a thousand yards higher up the hill). 

Could do an air suction system underground like those tubes at the bank.  =) Would need to dig a trench in the yard, but that’s normal, why break tradition.  Wonder what that would cost.  A break anywhere and you lose suction.  Would probably need to be encased in concrete.  Makes things a bit difficult to work on.  Easier to mow, etc.  Still have your traditional looking post.  Push button . . electric involved somewhere?  That’s a long trip . . lots of suction power needed.  Different size and type of container needed which would change the size and shape of the tube and the power of suction needed.

Next problem: =) Convincing my Dad to build me one.  =)

Probably be easier to just miss a few days of getting the mail until the kids get a little older.  =)

(Giggling)  I can hear that conversation with Dan. . .  It was so much fun to dream up, scheme, and work through the glitches on stuff like that.

But His teachings, His life, His glory, His love, His justice, His mercy, His forgiveness, His faithfulness, His trustworthiness, His passion, His steadfastness, . . .

When we proclaim Him, ALL of HIM, there is no room for self.

Growth is a normal part of our lives and we accept that when it comes to physical growth.  But I’m starting to notice a reluctance on our part to accept “growth” when we are dealing with spiritual and emotional growth.

But I fell asleep.

I started to write . . .

The house is wonderful.  My dad told me the other day that my electric bill is less than his and I know I’m running the dryer more than they are, have way more appliances and lots more reason to use them, and we are usually home all day where they all have school and jobs (not to mention my house is bigger).  So we did something right there.  Cabin fever is still a problem and since there is so much open space in the downstairs we have quite the echo (makes things quite loud when the kids are running around), but I am constantly reminded of the cramped quarters in WV and am ever so grateful when I can holler, “Enough!!  Everyone to the Basement!!”  Then they can run and scream and fight and romp and all that fun stuff down there and give me a few minutes to catch my breath and see if my ear drums are still in working condition.  Sometimes I send them outside, but that can be exhausting work, too.  Till the last one is dressed and out the door the first ones are coming back in to go to the potty and to warm up.  We had a snowstorm the other day that resulted in schools being cancelled, etc, etc. and I got the kids all dressed and we walked down to Nana’s (two houses down).  Payden (2) went down earlier so I didn’t have to worry about trying to carry him.  I took my big laundry basket and put a plastic bag in it and a rope on the front and then packed the diaper bag and other essentials in there and Caleb.  Benjamin (7) and Josiah (6) pulled a sled that had the two little girls on it and Abigail (5) was big enough to handle it on her own.  The wind was blowing so hard that there were times we could barely see and they were all cold till we got there (except Caleb), but they were good sports.  They slept better that night, too.  Caleb had his bottle and a blanket thrown over his head so we were barely started down the driveway before he fell asleep.  I can see why someone would envy babies.

And I fell asleep  . . .

Tonight

I’m just going to sleep.

I can’t do the heaven thing yet!!  These kids need me!  The idea of putting them into someone else’s care makes my heart ache.  At least Dan had the comfort of knowing they still had me.  I know my kids would be well loved and cared for if something happened to me, but kids NEED their parents. 

This is where I’m needed and where God wants me.  Who am I to complain? 

So maybe I’ve gotten through another part of the grieving process?  The anger and jealousy . . .