In acceptance lieth peace,

O my heart be still;

Let thy restless worries cease

And accept his will.

Though this test be not thy choice,

It is his – therefore rejoice.

In his plan there cannot be

Aught to make thee sad:

If this is his choice for thee,

Take it and be glad.

Make from it some lovely thing

To the glory of thy King.

Cease from sighs and murmuring,

Sing his loving grace,

This thing means thy furthering

To a wealthy place,

From thy fears he’ll give release,

In acceptance lieth peace.

Acceptance, huh; I’m struggling with that.  That is where the peace came from when Dan died, but the new trials that are popping up are slicing right to the heart of my pride and it’s harder to accept them.

“Restless worries” — that says it all.  I am worried about the future of my children and how this will affect them.  But I have to accept that my children make their own choices.  I am responsible for MY choices and actions.

I disagree that

“there cannot be aught to make thee sad:”

because so much of this makes Him sad, why shouldn’t it make me sad as well.  It’s not in His perfect plan.

But I can

“make from it some lovely thing to the glory of  my King.” 

I can

“Cease from sighs and murmuring,

Sing his loving grace”

And I will have to trust that

“From my fears he’ll give release,”

• The kids have been making a list of things they want in a new daddy (no smoking, no drugs, no strong drink just lots of milk and water although I’m guessing kool-aid and tea would be fine too =), not fat, likes to build, plays games, . . . )  So pray for our new “daddy” and my children’s (and my) attitude about whether or not we get a new daddy.
• Benjamin has been struggling with anger/violence issues.
• Josiah feels the need to control everything and whines excessively when he can’t.
• Abigail hides from difficult situations and lacks self-confidence.
• Hadassah has become adept at manipulation and is very selfish.
• Maranatha seems to be absorbing all sorts of bad traits and trying them each out in turn.
• Payden can be quite the little bully and is backsliding on his potty training.
• Caleb has his father’s temper (not that his mom doesn’t have one =D).
• And Mom is having some issues with personal discipline/self-control.

I’m looking for verses to memorize to combat our specific weaknesses.

Thank you all!!

“Every trial, every test, every difficulty and seemingly wrong experience through which you may have to pass, is only another opportunity granted to you of conquering an evil thing and bringing out of it something to the lasting praise and glory of God.”

˜˜Mountain of Spices by Hannah Hurnard

(1Co 15:55)

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

Well, . .Hmmm . . . I would love to tell you what all we did during July and why in the world I was too busy to even look at my computer (I think I got my e-mail once or twice), but I just can’t quite figure out where my time went.

Maybe I will just blame it all on Judy.  =)  It was GREAT having Judy here to help out during the month of July!  I just have to brag on her a bit.  Having someone staying in the house, who loved kids, who was excellent with them, who meshed with my training ideas, who didn’t mind my strange little quirks, who encouraged me to get out and be myself, who didn’t mind cooking, who helped with potty training, who had WAY more energy than I did, who could sympathize, who had some sound advice, who let me talk, who watched movies with me, who encouraged me to eat ice cream, etc, etc, . . well, what can I say?  It was FABULOUS!!  Thank you ever so much, Judy!  And God!!

I really hadn’t realized just how much I had gotten bogged down under the weight of my many responsibilities.  This past month I got a bit of a release from pressure that I’m hoping will carry me through another year.   God is good.

We knew the cat was going to die.  He was living at my parents, but moved to our house this last week.  It was probably further away from his brothers and sisters whose exuberance for life was probably a little rough in his weakened condition.  I could hardly bear to watch him as he lay on my porch struggling to breathe.  I wanted Dad to take him out and shoot him and end his misery, the poor thing.  And then last night we found him in the garage on a pile of hats and scarves; Gone.  This morning one of the kids dragged him outside to a spot easily visible from my laundry porch and I could feel the panic start to set in. 

I want to cry and curl up into a ball.  Fear seems to be the predominant emotion.  I’m afraid to look death in the face.  My heart feels exposed again.  I’m vulnerable and weak.  I’m not afraid to die.  I’m afraid to be the one left alive again.  I’m afraid to be the one who bears the burden of living.  It would be so much easier to die.

Oh God!  You are not the God of fear.  You are a God who loves me and wants what is best for me.  You will protect and provide.  You cover me with your wings.  You hold me in your arms.  My heart can be this vulnerable and exposed as long as you are a great walled fortress around me keeping me safe from the enemy’s darts.  Your strength is all I need.

My brother-in-law has removed the cat.  I push the panic at my Savior (vent my emotions on my poor computer), take a deep breath, and smile as I go to help my kids get their desks ready for the new school year.  I’m facing my future one moment at a time.

I was in the car by myself the other day thinking about this and got to talking to Dan/God about this. (Funny how the two of them seem to co-exist for me. Hmmm . . but that’s another topic for later.)  Dan mentioned something one time about how I avoided responsibility.  I remembered that and I laughed.

“I’m doing it again, aren’t I, Dan.”

“Yep.”

“You know that’s why our relationship worked so well.  I didn’t want the responsibility, so it was easy to ‘submit’.”

“Interesting theory.”

“And that’s what’s got me so upset about this Memorial Day thing.  I don’t want the responsibility!  I want to pass it off to you and then sit back, maybe make a few suggestions as to how to do it right, and then deal with the fallout after the fact.  I want you to take care of it and then I don’t have to worry about whether or not I did the right thing.  I want you to shoulder the blame so that I don’t have this burden pressing me into the dirt.”

“Sorry, honey.”

“Yeah, I know.  You aren’t here so I HAVE to deal with it.  And dealing with it by avoiding it isn’t doing any of us any favors.”

“You can do it, honey.  You went to MOPs all by yourself.  You gave birth to seven children with hardly any pain medication (he liked gloating about that one).  You are a wonderful Mommy.  And I didn’t have any complaints about your skills as a wife either.  I’ll stand behind you on this one.”

“I suppose that’s as close as I’m going to get on a hug, too, huh?”

“He will never leave you or forsake you.  Abba Father.  Crawl into His lap, honey.”

All that to say that I seem to be keeping myself busy and avoiding any kind of thinking, meditating, grieving, and even contemplation of things Biblical.  I’ve got to get a hold of myself.  Maybe later? . . . .

A year and a half ago I woke up early, quietly got dressed, left my children in the care of their Grandma, and made a fateful trip with my husband.  His surgery was scheduled early and we were supposed to be there an hour ahead of time and it was a 45 minute drive.  It was a brisk morning, but I don’t remember if I was wearing a coat.  I do remember pulling into the hospital parking lot, wondering where to park, making plans for moving the car later if needed, and Dan worrying about me, complaining about how much stuff I had packed into the lap top case and how heavy it was.  But the thing that stands out most in my mind was crossing the road that was in front of the hospital entrance where a thought crossed my mind out of the blue, “This could change your life.”  I pushed it aside refusing to worry about it, smiled at Dan and said, “You do know I love you, right?”  He laughed and pulled me tighter against him and we went in to face the unknown.

Now the unknown is known. 

That day definitely did change my life.  I went from living in a house that was falling down to a brand new house designed for my use.  I went from debt to a savings account.  I went from WV to PA.  I went from being insignificant to having people from all over the world praying for me.  I went from a “normal” family to a dysfunctional one-parent family.  I went from wife to widow.

I’ve spent a lot of time today reminiscing about that time in my life.  It makes me cry.  I didn’t use to know just how much emotional pain could hurt physically, how it affects every aspect of your life, and how it can literally knock you to your knees.  But I was also innocent to how God’s grace can uphold you, how His love can sustain you, and how His loving arms can surround you.  I’ve lost a way of life that money can’t buy, or fix, or replace, but I hope I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for who my God and Savior is and what He wants to be in my life.

Today as depression and loneliness eat at me I’m not sure I can say it was worth the cost, but I know that it will be in the end.  I know that God is the Alpha and Omega and that He is in control of my beginning and my end.  If I can use that stubborn streak that He blessed me with, pull myself together and force myself to continue to trust Him even during the rough times, then I know that He will work it all together for good.  My future is in His hands.