Never mind the fact that it took me three months to come up with this plan; it’s taken me over a week to actually make the decision; it is a plan meaning it’s lacks a little spice for an adventure; I’m not exactly doing it on my own; I’m already worried about it; I will probably be exhausted when it’s all over; and I know at some point I’m going to say, “I am so totally crazy to have even thought that this was a good idea!”

But the pro’s are great.  We get to see our family in MI again; visit with friends; do a bit of traveling (a good thing in case you’re wondering); step out of our routine-such as it is; and then I’ll have some time without kids, maybe a chance to sleep in (not really sure I can do that), a chance to refocus, get a grip on the bigger picture and maybe get some new ideas on running this ship.

Whew!  I’m tired already.

I can let this deal a powerful blow to my self-esteem.  I missed it.  I must not have been paying enough attention.  I should have seen it coming.  I ignored the warning signs.  Why were other things so important that they distracted me from my children’s well being?

But that let’s God out of the picture.  I’m human. I can only do so much.  I cannot live in fear of the unknown.  And if it’s unknown I can’t do anything about it anyway.  Thinking that I should have noticed puts unrealistic expectations on myself.  God can handle it.

I could blame someone else.  What was he thinking?  It’s all her fault.  Where were they when I needed them?  Why didn’t someone else notice?

But if I follow that way of thinking then I won’t be able to trust anyone.  I’m human.  I make mistakes.  I have to allow for that in other people, too.

I coul hide from possible future reoccurences (extreme hiding).

But I doubt that will really be effective, it shows a decided lack of trust in God, and in the end my kids will hate me for it.

I could go crazy worrying about everything a mother could possibly worry about for their kids and do my best to protect them from anything and everything that could harm them.

But I don’t cotton to that philosophy.  Besides, I’m not built that way.  That would wear me out in about three hours and if I’m so totally worried I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I would probably have a nervous breakdown that would put me in the hospital by the end of the week.  Worry is another demonstration of a lack of trust in a perfect God.  What makes me think I can do it better?  And I doubt my kids would like this reaction either.

My conclusion?  Well, . . I have to trust God.  He saw it.  He knows everything.  He can use it in our lives to make us better, . . if we let Him.  Yeah, “Mother Bear Instinct” wants to protect my kids, but they need to learn HOW to deal with situations, and how to react to the good and the bad, rather than just how to avoid or overlook the problems.

I also need to forgive.  Not the forgetful kind of forgiveness because I need to be reminded occasionally so that I stay alert and aware of the danger, but the kind of forgiveness that frees me from bitterness and the responsibility of punishment.

My children are watching.  Their innocence means that they will be looking to me (and others) to see how they should react.  Is this something to fear; something to pass off, something to hide, something to share . . ?

Is my God big enough?  Do I trust Him enough?  He has promised never to leave us or forsake us.

“He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.”

This WILL be beautiful in HIS time.

No man can understand the big picture that God is creating.  We must rest and trust in His wisdom, love and perfection.  He WILL make it beautiful.

Some days I really empathize with Solomon’s “vanity of vanities, all is vanity” theory on life. 

Muscle those depressing thoughts into submission.  Shove them back into Satan’s box where they belong.  GOD has proven that He can be trusted and He loves us.  Relax.  It will work out just like He wants it to.

I watched you try so hard to avoid this particular pitfall and here I am, up to my neck in the mud.  You saw and felt the pain this could bring and you were determined that you would do better.  I didn’t think I had anything to fear.  That’s pride speaking.  Pride is a nasty, subtle beast that steals its way into the heart and mind of its victim and slowly penetrates to the very core and spreads it’s venom in ever widening circles. 

But for the grace of God, there go I. 

Why aren’t you here to snap me out of this and push me on?

We’ve heard “pride comes before a fall”

And that’s the reason why,

When proud folks fall flat on their face,

They’re served a “humble pie.”

Its taste is bitter on the tongue,

And brings tears to the eyes,

But once accepted and digested,

It makes the eater wise!

Learn more about this author, Nan Keltie.

I took a breath and a moment of silence to control my temper and here is my response (in a very whiney tone, of course)(how does one spell whine anyway?).

“You know, I want to whine too.  Moooommmm, someone hurt me!  Moooommmm, why do I have to forgive?  Moooommmm, why do I have to share my toys and my time?  Moooommmm, I don’t want to clean up this mess!  Moooommmm, I don’t like this!  Moooommmm, I want this to be different!  Moooommmm, It’s not fair!”

Now, take out the Moooommmm’s and put in “God!” and you have a pretty good synopsis of what I feel like this morning.

Then the clincher.  I looked at my child, took a deep breath and said with all the sarcasm I could muster, “But I am a responsible adult and I will not whine.”

I wonder if God thinks I’m doing o.k. at that ‘adult’ thing.

Thought:   The dance made it worthwhile?  But what if I can’t remember the dance anymore?  So much of Dan has been relegated to the past and like all things in the past the edges blur, pieces are missing, and the worst part is that he just isn’t a part of my daily life.  So, all I’m left with is the pain and some blurred memories that get more and more distant.

Praise the Lord the song is wrong.  Yeah, the dance was wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for anything, but that’s not what makes it all worthwhile. 

Payden (2) kissed me the other night.  I’ve been cuddling him for a minute or two before he goes to sleep and then I give him a big kiss before I leave the room.  The other night he turned to me, put his little hands on my face, puckered up and gave me the sweetest kiss I’ve had since Dan died.  He was so cute.  Then he giggled like he thought he was hot stuff.

We went to a basketball game last night.  It was a “Just for Fun” game and they let a bunch of the little kids play a mini game at half time.  Benjamin (7) did well; Josiah (6) wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but he kept trying; Abigail (5) just stood there confused until a basketball hit her on the head.  =)  It was fun to watch and they did really well considering they’ve never “played” a game before.

So, I guess you could say that in one sense the kids make it all worth while, but if I didn’t have any kids would it still have been worth it?  And I still would have to say yes.

Dan expanded my world to such an extent that I can’t even begin to touch on all the ways he has changed my life.  The world is bigger.  I know many wonderful people now that I never would have met without Dan.  I am so much more aware of politics, environmental hogwash, world news, and the mechanics of cars, computers, and, engines to name a few.  Our relationship with each other (and the kids) made me much more aware of the variety of people, their characteristics, and their personalities. 

I would not be who I am today if it were not for Dan.  And since I happen to like who I am I would have to say that Dan was good for me.

And the icing on the cake would have to be my spiritual walk.  Living that close to anyone will either improve or ruin your relationships.  I like to think that living that close to Dan helped me in my walk with the Lord.  And if living with him didn’t do it, than living without him is definitely a push in the right direction.

So, the conclusion is still that it’s worth it.  I just have to remind myself of that on days like this when it hurts so much I can’t stop crying.

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But he was telling me he had to go.

Others needed to hear of Jesus.

He was distracted and I could see  he wasn’t mine anymore.

He’s fading.  My mind can’t fill in the details of his face as well as it used to.

He’s going/gone no matter what I want.  Sigh.

I have to admit that Dan is probably one of the reasons our electric bill is as low as it is.  So many of our discussions were instrumental in helping me make decisions on the house.  We used some kind of spray-in, foam insulation stuff that he had been researching (and talking about) for years that has worked wonders at keeping the wind out despite the fact that we are located in the middle of a wind tunnel.  The appliances that were chosen, the light fixtures, even the habit of wandering around and turning off lights after the children, Dan was very much a part of all that.

I defined a problem the other day.  When it gets too cold to run outside to the mailbox without a coat (and there’s no snow to encourage the older ones to play outside), it is often difficult to get the mail.  The act of putting on a coat and shoes alerts the kids to my momentary absence and well, . . . it’s not a pretty sight.  Some days I can squeeze it in or convince someone else to get it for me, but there was a time frame there where I’m sure the mail lady thought we had gone on vacation.

So,

Problem: Getting the mail in cold weather

Solution:  =) here’s where Dan comes into play again.  Dan and Leigh (Dan’s best friend) and I came up with the idea of motorized mailboxes that drive to the post office, or at least up to the door, way back the first year we were married.  It got totally elaborate and crazy at the time and of course no one bothered to even put it on paper much less create one.  So this problem reminds me of that previous conversation and the gears start turning.

Motor is good.  Got to keep it out of the weather.  Wheels no good in the snow.  Wire good.  Do it via “air mail”.  Simple pulley system would work fine.  Got to keep the wires out of the way of big trucks driving through the yard.  Don’t want the kids strangling themselves, etc.  Easier to plow around if there is no post.  Wonder what the mail lady would think.  The laundry line seems to work fine in cold weather.  The biggest problem would be getting the line high enough that it doesn’t interfere with the yard (the house is at least a thousand yards higher up the hill). 

Could do an air suction system underground like those tubes at the bank.  =) Would need to dig a trench in the yard, but that’s normal, why break tradition.  Wonder what that would cost.  A break anywhere and you lose suction.  Would probably need to be encased in concrete.  Makes things a bit difficult to work on.  Easier to mow, etc.  Still have your traditional looking post.  Push button . . electric involved somewhere?  That’s a long trip . . lots of suction power needed.  Different size and type of container needed which would change the size and shape of the tube and the power of suction needed.

Next problem: =) Convincing my Dad to build me one.  =)

Probably be easier to just miss a few days of getting the mail until the kids get a little older.  =)

(Giggling)  I can hear that conversation with Dan. . .  It was so much fun to dream up, scheme, and work through the glitches on stuff like that.

But His teachings, His life, His glory, His love, His justice, His mercy, His forgiveness, His faithfulness, His trustworthiness, His passion, His steadfastness, . . .

When we proclaim Him, ALL of HIM, there is no room for self.