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Remembering Dan

• Danger

  07Mar
  Categories: Musings, Remembering Dan, Single Parenting Comments: 0

  Last night danger came to my home.  Subtle and quiet, friendly yet deceptive, . . it slipped it’s way past my radar and touched my children.  I find myself quite upset about it; there is turmoil, heaviness of spirit, grief, pain, fear.  This affects so much more than just me and my children.  My reaction is vital and will have long range, long lasting effects.

  I can let this deal a powerful blow to my self-esteem.  I missed it.  I must not have been paying enough attention.  I should have seen it coming.  I ignored the warning signs.  Why were other things so important that they distracted me from my children’s well being?

  But that let’s God out of the picture.  I’m human. I can only do so much.  I cannot live in fear of the unknown.  And if it’s unknown I can’t do anything about it anyway.  Thinking that I should have noticed puts unrealistic expectations on myself.  God can handle it.

  I could blame someone else.  What was he thinking?  It’s all her fault.  Where were they when I needed them?  Why didn’t someone else notice?

  But if I follow that way of thinking then I won’t be able to trust anyone.  I’m human.  I make mistakes.  I have to allow for that in other people, too.

  I coul hide from possible future reoccurences (extreme hiding).

  But I doubt that will really be effective, it shows a decided lack of trust in God, and in the end my kids will hate me for it.

  I could go crazy worrying about everything a mother could possibly worry about for their kids and do my best to protect them from anything and everything that could harm them.

  But I don’t cotton to that philosophy.  Besides, I’m not built that way.  That would wear me out in about three hours and if I’m so totally worried I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I would probably have a nervous breakdown that would put me in the hospital by the end of the week.  Worry is another demonstration of a lack of trust in a perfect God.  What makes me think I can do it better?  And I doubt my kids would like this reaction either.

  My conclusion?  Well, . . I have to trust God.  He saw it.  He knows everything.  He can use it in our lives to make us better, . . if we let Him.  Yeah, “Mother Bear Instinct” wants to protect my kids, but they need to learn HOW to deal with situations, and how to react to the good and the bad, rather than just how to avoid or overlook the problems.

  I also need to forgive.  Not the forgetful kind of forgiveness because I need to be reminded occasionally so that I stay alert and aware of the danger, but the kind of forgiveness that frees me from bitterness and the responsibility of punishment.

  My children are watching.  Their innocence means that they will be looking to me (and others) to see how they should react.  Is this something to fear; something to pass off, something to hide, something to share . . ?

  Is my God big enough?  Do I trust Him enough?  He has promised never to leave us or forsake us.

• Worthwhile?

  17Feb
  Categories: Musings, Remembering Dan Comments: 3

  Song:  I could have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance.

   

  Thought:   The dance made it worthwhile?  But what if I can’t remember the dance anymore?  So much of Dan has been relegated to the past and like all things in the past the edges blur, pieces are missing, and the worst part is that he just isn’t a part of my daily life.  So, all I’m left with is the pain and some blurred memories that get more and more distant.

   

  Praise the Lord the song is wrong.  Yeah, the dance was wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for anything, but that’s not what makes it all worthwhile. 

   

  Payden (2) kissed me the other night.  I’ve been cuddling him for a minute or two before he goes to sleep and then I give him a big kiss before I leave the room.  The other night he turned to me, put his little hands on my face, puckered up and gave me the sweetest kiss I’ve had since Dan died.  He was so cute.  Then he giggled like he thought he was hot stuff.

  We went to a basketball game last night.  It was a “Just for Fun” game and they let a bunch of the little kids play a mini game at half time.  Benjamin (7) did well; Josiah (6) wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but he kept trying; Abigail (5) just stood there confused until a basketball hit her on the head.  =)  It was fun to watch and they did really well considering they’ve never “played” a game before.

  So, I guess you could say that in one sense the kids make it all worth while, but if I didn’t have any kids would it still have been worth it?  And I still would have to say yes.

   

  Dan expanded my world to such an extent that I can’t even begin to touch on all the ways he has changed my life.  The world is bigger.  I know many wonderful people now that I never would have met without Dan.  I am so much more aware of politics, environmental hogwash, world news, and the mechanics of cars, computers, and, engines to name a few.  Our relationship with each other (and the kids) made me much more aware of the variety of people, their characteristics, and their personalities. 

   

  I would not be who I am today if it were not for Dan.  And since I happen to like who I am I would have to say that Dan was good for me.

  And the icing on the cake would have to be my spiritual walk.  Living that close to anyone will either improve or ruin your relationships.  I like to think that living that close to Dan helped me in my walk with the Lord.  And if living with him didn’t do it, than living without him is definitely a push in the right direction.

  So, the conclusion is still that it’s worth it.  I just have to remind myself of that on days like this when it hurts so much I can’t stop crying.

• Another Dream

  15Feb
  Categories: Grieving, Remembering Dan Comments: 2

  He was here.

  But he was telling me he had to go.

  Others needed to hear of Jesus.

  He was distracted and I could see  he wasn’t mine anymore.

  He’s fading.  My mind can’t fill in the details of his face as well as it used to.

  He’s going/gone no matter what I want.  Sigh.

• Getting the Mail

  14Feb
  Categories: Remembering Dan Comments: 4

  You are so right, Michael.  Dan would have loved to talk about the why’s and wherefore’s of our electric bill. 

  I have to admit that Dan is probably one of the reasons our electric bill is as low as it is.  So many of our discussions were instrumental in helping me make decisions on the house.  We used some kind of spray-in, foam insulation stuff that he had been researching (and talking about) for years that has worked wonders at keeping the wind out despite the fact that we are located in the middle of a wind tunnel.  The appliances that were chosen, the light fixtures, even the habit of wandering around and turning off lights after the children, Dan was very much a part of all that.

  I defined a problem the other day.  When it gets too cold to run outside to the mailbox without a coat (and there’s no snow to encourage the older ones to play outside), it is often difficult to get the mail.  The act of putting on a coat and shoes alerts the kids to my momentary absence and well, . . . it’s not a pretty sight.  Some days I can squeeze it in or convince someone else to get it for me, but there was a time frame there where I’m sure the mail lady thought we had gone on vacation.

  So,

  Problem: Getting the mail in cold weather

  Solution:  =) here’s where Dan comes into play again.  Dan and Leigh (Dan’s best friend) and I came up with the idea of motorized mailboxes that drive to the post office, or at least up to the door, way back the first year we were married.  It got totally elaborate and crazy at the time and of course no one bothered to even put it on paper much less create one.  So this problem reminds me of that previous conversation and the gears start turning.

  Motor is good.  Got to keep it out of the weather.  Wheels no good in the snow.  Wire good.  Do it via “air mail”.  Simple pulley system would work fine.  Got to keep the wires out of the way of big trucks driving through the yard.  Don’t want the kids strangling themselves, etc.  Easier to plow around if there is no post.  Wonder what the mail lady would think.  The laundry line seems to work fine in cold weather.  The biggest problem would be getting the line high enough that it doesn’t interfere with the yard (the house is at least a thousand yards higher up the hill). 

  Could do an air suction system underground like those tubes at the bank.  =) Would need to dig a trench in the yard, but that’s normal, why break tradition.  Wonder what that would cost.  A break anywhere and you lose suction.  Would probably need to be encased in concrete.  Makes things a bit difficult to work on.  Easier to mow, etc.  Still have your traditional looking post.  Push button . . electric involved somewhere?  That’s a long trip . . lots of suction power needed.  Different size and type of container needed which would change the size and shape of the tube and the power of suction needed.

  Next problem: =) Convincing my Dad to build me one.  =)

  Probably be easier to just miss a few days of getting the mail until the kids get a little older.  =)

  (Giggling)  I can hear that conversation with Dan. . .  It was so much fun to dream up, scheme, and work through the glitches on stuff like that.

• Loneliness

  19Jan
  Categories: Grieving, Remembering Dan, Single Parenting Comments: 6

  Another stage.

  I find myself amazed at the intensity of this particular feeling.  I’m not a social bug by any stretch of the imagination.  I can get all hyped up, be the life of the party, and have a great time doing it, but it only lasts for a couple hours.  Then I’m exhausted.  (I can spend long stretches with people if intense emotion isn’t involved.)

  I have a loner streak that I’m quite comfortable with.  I’ve gone weeks with my only social interaction being who I see as I round up the kids on our way to and from church (and the occasional conversation between services).  But lately . . .

  I feel like I haven’t met anyone new or stretched my conversation skills since, I don’t know, . . last August?  Going shopping doesn’t cut it.  Guess it’s time to try something new. 

  Oh Dan.  Why don’t you talk to me?  I haven’t had a good discussion on politics, public schools, engineering, space, or the latest invention in . .  forever.  I knew we would have problems when you quit talking to me.

• New Insight

  16Dec
  Categories: Remembering Dan, Single Parenting Comments: 3

  Revelation!

  Dassy (4) is like her father!

  Shocker, huh.  I have to admit to having a few blond roots.  (No need to comment on that one, Wayne.  I remember being called a “mutt”.)

  She has been making comments off and on for the last week or two about building a cat house.  I’m totally not getting it because we already have a cat house and she brings the idea up at the worst of times.  Today, Benjamin was learning about ‘floor plans’ during school and I got out some of the blueprints of our house that Dan and I had drawn up there towards the end.  Apparently she was listening.

  After supper tonight she brings me a piece of paper with what looks like a house on it, and she’s chattering away about her plans, how the kitty is going to go up these stairs, how she wants to build him a box here, and there’s his bed, and so on.  I stopped what I was doing and gave her some pointers on how to draw her blueprint and asked a few questions.  I remember simply asking a question or pointing something out and the conversation would continue to flow on for at least another half hour.

  Then she tells me she wants to go outside and build it now.  It’s 40 degrees out there!!  if I’m lucky, and there’s a wind blowing, and it’s dark!!!          She wants to hold the flashlight.  =)  Next thing I know she’s got some of the boards that hold together Maranatha’s (3) bed and she wants to use them to build this cat house.   I remember some of the things I was using that Dan tore apart to make something I would not be using any time soon.  =)

  I managed to deflect that idea by telling her that she should build a model first with the lincoln logs we have in the library.  She didn’t have a problem with that, but she was done way to fast for me.  =)  Then she was raring to move on to the next step.  I can remember Dan getting an idea into his head and just tearing into it like that, too.

  I also remember what happened next.  We would get going on the project, it would take to long to get finished in one day, we wouldn’t have the supplies, or we would hit a tedious part of the project and he would hand it off to me to finish the next day (when I had time), and wah lah!! it was now MY project.  Not that that’s a bad thing.  The world needs a few people to come up with the ideas and get everyone excited about the project, another few people to take charge and handle the directing of the project, and then there needs to be quite a few more people who are willing to follow along behind and do the grunt work.  I really didn’t have a problem with being the “labor force” behind my “visionary”, but I think I might have a bit of a problem with that when the “visionary” is my daughter who is only 4 years of age.  I really don’t want to be stuck building a cat house by myself when I don’t even need or want another cat house.

  I told her to take it up with Grandpa.

• Christmas Cantata

  12Dec
  Categories: Remembering Dan Comments: 6

  A local college puts on a Christmas cantata and I went last night with all the kids.  They were a little distracting so given the chance I had a date and went again tonight.  It was powerful and brought back some fun memories.  Getting dressed up for a Fine Arts, giggling and prepping with the girls before hand, watching out the windows for our dates, Vespers, orchestra, roses, watching Wayne play the drums, seeing Ginni in the choir, eyeing up the competition (Dan had alerted me to who my competitors were), chatting with Suanna, the excitement of Dan’s presence . . . what fun.

  They ended tonight with a piece centered around the song “We Shall Behold Him” reminding us of our Savior’s second coming.  My first thought was, “I will get to see Dan again.”  And I had to remind myself that Jesus was the reason I was doing this – Jesus, not Dan.  Jesus will be the first one I need to see.

  And still, my relationship with Dan continues to show me how to love my Lord.
  
  

• Water In Many Forms

  09Dec
  Categories: Remembering Dan Comments: 5

  Threw a snowball at Dan today and he didn’t even flinch.  He’s such a deadbeat lately.  Used to be he’d have a snowball to toss back at me quicker than you can blink, and next thing I’d know I’d be squashed in the snow or at the very least feeling the cold wet stuff sliding down my back. 

  Snow is another form of water, you know.  We had many, many water fights of many different sizes and shapes.  I remember one  from when we were dating that included a hose, another consisting of large water guns, several of the frozen variety, one on our honeymoon that ended in a river, one in our first trailer that . . . oh, I love that story, hang on.

  A month or two after we were married (I think) we had friends come to visit us and camp out in our living room (the trailer consisted of a living room/kitchen combo and bedroom/bathroom — not very big) and Dorina and I got to giggling and planning and of course, water entered the picture.  It was frozen this time in the form of an ice pack.  Somehow the ice pack found it’s way to Dan’s side of the bed.  It made it’s way from his pillow down to the foot of the bed, freezing his sheet quite thoroughly.  Newly married I didn’t realize that he liked to crawl into a cool bed, but since the ice pack was still hiding at the foot of the bed it managed to have the desired effect.  He actually yelped and jumped back out of bed.  =)  I was laughing so hard I almost fell off my side of the bed.  I could hear Dorina enjoying the ruckus from the living room, too. 

  Ahh. That made me smile.

  I love you, Daniel.

• Talking

  06Dec
  Categories: Grieving, Remembering Dan, Single Parenting Comments: 2

  I can’t talk!!  It’s so annoying and frustrating.  Dan led the conversations, I just guided and directed and gathered information.  Now when I want to say something nice or just try to be polite the stupidest things come out of my mouth!  I thought we did just fine at the communication part of our marriage — not perfect, of course, but fine.  Now I’m afraid that Dan did all the communicating.  Probably just another case of where we balanced each other out and made a good team (He talked, I listened -and wrote).  Maybe I should get a job at Burger King again so that I can practice small talk with a hundred people a day.

  No wonder I didn’t get to go to heaven.  I have too much to learn.

• Midnight Ramblings

  24Nov
  Categories: Family Updates, Remembering Dan, Single Parenting Comments: 3

  I went to bed at 10 pm.  Turned the lights out and everything.  And here I sit (12 am), playing with my computer. 

  I just can’t seem to sleep — my brain is whirling.  A multitude of strange little thoughts keep popping into my head.  I twist and turn and finally give up.  I haven’t been keeping up with my internet contacts . . . maybe I’ll check them out.  I do have work I could be doing . . at midnight?!!

  The holidays are looming.  I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not.  I’ve had two weekends in a row without kids and I told my boys they aren’t allowed to do that again for at least a month.  I managed just fine while they were gone, but I’m not sure I would be able to handle that again any time soon without succumbing to the depression that keeps knocking at my door. 

  Faced down another tough situation the other day.  Dan would have been proud of me.  He liked to prod me out of my comfort zone and push me to accomplish more.  Well, I’ve definitely been out of my comfort zone, but I miss the loving support (from Dan — I seem to be getting lots of it from friends and family, Thank you Very Much!) that was always there to catch me if I ever needed it.

  Going to try to make some Christmas cookies with the kids tomorrow.  I was trying to get some extra sleep to help prepare myself for the ordeal (pleasant ordeal, but still draining).  I think I’ll go try again.