Remembering Dan

• Happy or Holy

  23Feb
  Categories: Musings Comments: 2

  Have been learning about priorities a bit this weekend.  Our preacher on Sunday said that so many Christians are trying to be happy Christians.  sounds good.  We want people to look at us and wonder what we have, isn’t ‘happy’ one of the ways of doing that?

  Then he said that God really isn’t concerned with our happiness.  What?!!

  God calls us to be holy, not happy.  If we are following God’s call of holiness then we will be happy by default.

  So if you see a Christian who is not happy . . . If I am not happy . . . Then my priorities must be messed up somewhere.

• Feeling Guilty

  14Feb
  Categories: Family Updates, Musings, Single Parenting Comments: 4

  Thank you all for the encouragement.  I’m still hoping for the chance to get away, but two of my girls got sick this week and this flu bug seems to have a longer recovery time.  I’m holding my breath and hoping that no one else gets it.

  One of the reasons this bothers me (I think) is because I feel a bit guilty for having a nanny.  I know several women who have lots of children (some more than me) and their husband works, so it’s not like he’s home during the day to help.  And he’s tired when he gets home, so it’s not like he can help a whole lot then either.  But me, I have someone working for Me, helping Me with the household work and the kids.  If I still had Dan I would be working for Him, plus the household chores and tending kids.  Why can’t I handle this?

  Then again, why do I feel the need to be supermom?  Why do I feel guilty?  It’s a pressure I think I must put on myself, because I don’t know of anyone who has made any negative comments.  Curious people have asked why I hired a nanny, but no one was being malicious or patronizing.

  If I can just get to the root . . . then I could hack away at the untruths and get some peace about this.

  So, any ideas where to go?  Little cold this time of year for camping.  =)

• Acceptance

  06Dec
  Categories: Grieving, Musings Comments: 1

  One of the stages of grief is acceptance.  I thought I was doing o.k. on that one, but these things have a way of coming and going and showing new facets every time they pop up.  I think I have accepted the fact that Dan is gone.  He is never coming back.  There isn’t (and wasn’t) anything I can do to change that.  I have accepted the past.  It’s the future I seem to be struggling with, again.

  I realized the other day (in a new way) that things will never go back to the way they were.  Even if the Lord does provide another mate it will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  I sometimes wonder if Dan would still love the “new me.”  I’m a different person . . . I know that has to be true, but I still feel like the same old me. 

  Any future relationships (friends, family, or spouse) will be colored by my relationship with Dan.  The innocent “first love” is gone.  I won’t ever have that again, and the one that I could share it with is gone, too.  Relationships are lumped into two categories, “Those who knew Dan” and “Those who didn’t.”  And gradually as the years progress it will become even more vague and it will be “Those who know about Dan” and “Those who don’t even realize I was married (you would think that would be a given with 7 children, but in today’s culture . . .).

  When you are young and in love and married for the first time there are a lot of things that need to be worked out for the first time and you are both new to game.  You build and shape your marriage together based on each other’s preferences, desires, and dreams.

  I’ve been alone awhile, but there are foundational things that were established at the beginning of our marriage that are still part of my everyday life and always will be.  Then there are things that I’ve decided that have molded and shaped our family further and will always have an impact on our family.  Those things, things that often can’t even be verbalized, will have an impact on future relationships, too.

  It is a comfort to realize that my God will never change.  He is fully “mature” and quite capable of patiently waiting for me to mature, all the while loving me better than anyone else could. 

  Thank you, Lord, for loving me as I grow and mature, as I stretch my wings, sometimes wandering away from You.  But in Your mercy You always lead me back.  Thank you for never changing, for remaining constant and true, for being my rock and my shelter in life’s raging storms.  It’s nice to know you are always there.

• Interesting

  06Dec
  Categories: Grieving, Musings Comments: 1
  Interesting statement I read tonight:

  Some of us are more public about our grief; others are not.  Don’t assume that just because someone shows no outward sign of grief doesn’t mean it is not there.

• Hang In There

  21Nov
  Categories: Grieving, Musings Comments: 4

  “Hang in there.”

  In my depression and despair my heart cried, “Hang in there till when, till what?  What does my future hold?”   I often feel at a loss as to where to place my hope for the future.  As much as I know it would be good for me to have some future goals and dreams, something to work toward, I find it impossible to think much farther than the next day or week.  What can I say?  I was made to complement a dreamer, not be the dreamer.

  I miss my dreamer.  I miss his hugs, his stimulating conversations, his protection, his presence, his heat, his touch, his love, his enthusiasm, his help . . .  each one of those words creates a picture in my mind and his loss, my loss, makes my heart ache. 

  Do I have the hope of being that fulfilled part of a whole again?  Dare I let myself hope?

  “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me?  Hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”  Ps.43:5

  “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.”  Ps. 31:24

  “Behold, the eye of the LORD is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy;” Ps. 33:18

  “Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word.” Ps. 119:114

  “The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.” Lam 3:24

  Hope in God, hope in the LORD, hope in His mercy, Hope in His Word, Hope in Him . . . I have hope.

  “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jer 29:11

  His thoughts are of peace, mine should be too.

• Satan Does Attack

  20Nov
  Categories: Grieving, Musings Comments: 3

  It’s been a rough week.  I’ve had a night or two where I just cried and cried.  I had a morning where I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out of bed I was so depressed.  I have kids who are testing the waters.  And I have been trying to get ready for a school break (not to mention Christmas).

  I think Satan has been attacking us.

  That sounds so dramatic.  I’ve seen people react to a statement like that with disbelief, the raised eyebrow, pride, and avoidance.  Who am I kidding?  I think I’ve reacted like that a time or two myself.  Usually the concept isn’t exactly something I want to face and so I push the thought away with the belief that Satan isn’t really concerned with my family and my petty problems. 

  But Satan is just as concerned with my family and my witness as God is.  And therein lies the real struggle.  If I truly believe that I am of importance to God, that He has His eye on me, that He loves me, and that He has His hand in my life, then Satan, as God’s enemy, would naturally want to do all he could to hurt me and discredit me.

  And if I truly believe in the power of Satan, then maybe that would cause me to cling to my God in a more meaningful way.  I can rest safely in the arms of my God without fear of Satan, but I need to be aware of Satan’s presence and be careful not to ignore his potential.

   Pro 19:23     The fear of the LORD tendeth to life: and he that hath it shall abide satisfied; he shall not be visited with evil.

• Legacy

  29Oct
  Categories: Grieving, Musings, Remembering Dan Comments: 9

  I’ve felt a push, . . an external force, . . implying that it was important that Dan leave something behind; something that will make an impact on this world.  I have, on occasion, tied myself up in knots trying to come up with something valuable that I can say he left to the world at large.  There is always the argument that he left seven kids, but they don’t even know him.

  Sometimes a sense of panic assails me when another part of Dan disappears.  For example: A friend dies and another witness to his life is gone; his computer crashes and his work vanishes into thin air; his children don’t remember playing games with him; I can’t remember what his favorite candy was; a book that had his name written in it gets lost . .    I am well aware of how temporal this world is, how nothing will last, and even though I am encouraged to “build a monument” in his honor, I know it just won’t work.

  Today, as I faced the second anniversary of his home-going, I was musing on the verse that says we ought to lay up treasures in heaven and I realized something.  Dan’s legacy is not in what he left behind, but in what he has before him.  His legacy isn’t here on earth; his legacy is up there in heaven.

  Another part of Dan goes missing from this world because everything in this world will fade away, but the things he laid up in heaven are the things that are still there.  I don’t have to be concerned with keeping a “legacy” down here.  Dan doesn’t care anymore, God has one where it counts, and we will get to share in that legacy when we get to see him again.

  No, the things that I have and keep are just for my kids and I, not necessarily to remember (although it helps), but to give us comfort in our pain.  And as we grow in the Lord we will be able to turn more to Him for comfort.

  Thank you, Lord, for giving us an eternal legacy and a place of importance in your family.

• Heart of Flesh

  06Sep
  Categories: Grieving, Musings Comments: 5

  Our speaker yesterday during church made the comment about how God takes our heart of stone and turns it into a heart of flesh, a living breathing organism.  That’s not a new thought to me, but I was struck by another thought (POW!) =). 

   

  God wants us to be vulnerable!

   

  I look around me and see the American mindset, “I can do it myself.  I don’t need anyone.”  We revere impenetrable figures like Superman and the Hulk.  We are fascinated by movies portraying invincible vampires and superhuman strength.  We don’t like pain, it hurts us.  And so we avoid it at all costs.

   

  But that’s not what God wants.  He wants us to be sensitive to those around us.  He wants us to be tender to the touch of the Holy Spirit.  He wants to use the pain in our lives to draw us closer to Him.  You can bet that if you aren’t in a position to feel pain then you aren’t where the Lord wants you to be.

   

  Sounds a little sadistic, doesn’t it.  And I remind myself that that is the world’s mentality.  I don’t want to be one of those weak wimpy Christians that caves at the suggestion of torture.  I don’t want to be an ineffectual soldier that can’t take a blow from the flat of a sword.  I want to be a Stephen who accepts the blows of the rocks being thrown at him and looks toward heaven crying for the forgiveness of his persecutors.

   

  That sounds like it could hurt . . .

   

• Hope Deferred

  30Aug
  Categories: Musings, Single Parenting Comments: 2

  Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. (Pro 13:12)

  My hope has been deferred.

  My heart is sick.

  My Physician can heal and does provide.

  My Rock can be My Desire.

  I need that tree of life, Lord. 

• Acceptance

  26Aug
  Categories: Musings, Single Parenting Comments: 1

  Another quote from Mountains of Spices by Hannah Hurnard:

  In acceptance lieth peace,

  O my heart be still;

  Let thy restless worries cease

  And accept his will.

  Though this test be not thy choice,

  It is his – therefore rejoice.

   

  In his plan there cannot be

  Aught to make thee sad:

  If this is his choice for thee,

  Take it and be glad.

  Make from it some lovely thing

  To the glory of thy King.

   

  Cease from sighs and murmuring,

  Sing his loving grace,

  This thing means thy furthering

  To a wealthy place,

  From thy fears he’ll give release,

  In acceptance lieth peace.

   

  Acceptance, huh; I’m struggling with that.  That is where the peace came from when Dan died, but the new trials that are popping up are slicing right to the heart of my pride and it’s harder to accept them.

  “Restless worries” — that says it all.  I am worried about the future of my children and how this will affect them.  But I have to accept that my children make their own choices.  I am responsible for MY choices and actions.

  I disagree that

  “there cannot be aught to make thee sad:”

  because so much of this makes Him sad, why shouldn’t it make me sad as well.  It’s not in His perfect plan.

  But I can

  “make from it some lovely thing to the glory of  my King.” 

  I can

  “Cease from sighs and murmuring,

  Sing his loving grace”

   

  And I will have to trust that

   

  “From my fears he’ll give release,”

   

   

  The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence. (2Sa 22:3)