Remembering Dan

• Heaven is the Presence of God

  25Jan
  Categories: Musings Comments: 6

  I had an epiphany tonight!!  =) 

  Dan and I used to wonder just what made heaven so great.  Other than the fact that the alternative was a less than pleasant idea, logically speaking we couldn’t figure out why we would want to have a huge mansion in a city full of people.   Tonight I figured it out.  We were thinking of heaven as a place.  But heaven isn’t a place, heaven is the presence of God. 

  Think of the saying “home is where the heart is.”  We realize that the house doesn’t make a home, it’s the people, your family, that makes a place a home.  It’s the same way with a church.  The church building doesn’t make a church, it’s the people who use the building, the body of believers, that make up the church.  Heaven is the same way.  It’s not a building, a city, or a place, it’s the people you are surrounded with, it’s being in the presence of the Almighty God, it’s the lack of sin, pain, and death.

  Now how cool is that?!!

• My Story

  06Jan
  Categories: Musings Comments: 3

  I forget sometimes that Joseph had no idea what God had in store for him.  He was in chains.  He was forsaken by his family.  Those who he thought would protect him had turned their backs on him and sold him into slavery.  He had no idea what was going on.  He could have given up.  He could have turned his back on God.  He could have slid into depression and turned inward.  He could have moped and whined.  We live in the moment without a realistic view of the future.

  I could be married several years down the road, I could be an old maid, I could have more kids, I could have less.  God knows my future and He knows my dreams.  I have to let it rest in His hands.  My story isn’t told just yet.  You have to live through the pain and uncertainty before your story can be told.

• Christmas Card 2011

  01Jan
  Categories: Family Updates, Musings, Single Parenting Comments: 1

  While making some of my preparations for the Christmas season this year my children asked me to tell them a story.  I was reminded of the poem that my Pastor in WV said reminded him of me.  And this is what came out.

   

  There was a young woman who lived with a crew,

  She had so many shoes she didn’t know what to do.

   

  Sneakers for this one, and boots for that,

  To top it all off there was a matching hat.

   

  The piles they did make by the front door and back,

  Caused her to yell, “I want a sack!”

   

  She packed them all up and threw them o’er her shoulder.

  The weight of it all felt like a great big boulder.

   

  The weight made her grouchy like the Grinch from another tale,

  “When will it all end!” she began to wail.

   

  “I can’t do it alone, I just want to quit.

  I want to stop cleaning for just a little bit!”

   

  “We want to help.  Yes, Mommy, we do!”

  Came the voices of the owners of all those shoes.

   

  Just a few minutes or maybe more,

  And all those shoes ran out the door.

   

  Mommy sat down with a great big thump,

  “Why oh why, was I such a grump?”

   

  This burden I carry is not mine at all.

  God will take it if I but call.

   

  Some of you laugh and say “Oh, that’s so cute!”  And I must admit, that reaction was my original intent.  But to tell you the truth the more I thought about this silly little poem, the more I realized just how true it was.  I have been getting caught up in the silly frustrations that are an everyday occurrence in our lives and I have been piling them all into a big sack that I keep trying to carry around with me. 

  Most of my friends and neighbors don’t see that sack, but I’m guessing they can see the results.  Maybe they see that my smile is a bit harder to come by, or maybe they can hear the self pity that laces my conversation.  Maybe they don’t see it at all, but I do, and I know God does.  And He is wondering why I don’t trust Him enough to hand Him the sack and let Him carry the burden for me.

  So, I guess I need to start my new year off right, hand over my sack, and have a childlike enjoyment of the days to come; free from the frustrations and worries that drag me down.

• A Dream

  26Nov
  Categories: Musings Comments: 1

  A dream.

  I am alone looking contentedly around me when he appears.  I smile recognizing our friendship.  He reaches out and grabs the tips of the three fingers on my right hand and pulls, “Come on, I have something to show you” he says, his voice is excited and I smile at his enthusiasm.  As we hurry toward our destination I am dimly aware of the fact that he has not released me and his thumb is slowly caressing my fingers in a silent question I’m not sure I dare acknowledge.  We enter a room lined with several bookshelves and I tease him about his lack of books in comparison to my own library.  He takes the joke good naturedly as he scans the shelves in front of him looking for a particular book.  He doesn’t let go of my hand and I am content.

  The dream flickers and again I am alone.  My destination is unknown, but I must pass through this long room, lined with many people who know me and who have been watching my life.  He appears at the other end.  His destination leads him past me in the direction from which I have just come.  Once again we smile in recognition of our friendship, but after the last incident there is just a little bit more involved and our hearts smile as well.  We must pass closely as the room is narrow and many people line the walls.  Our hands brush and automatically clasp as we try to maintain the connection midst the business of our lives.  We continue on our separate ways holding on as long as we can and I am aware that everyone around can see that our hearts have communicated even if our lips have not.

  As I leave the room I am aware of heads bending toward each other and whispered speculations being shared: some are smiling, some are worried.  I am thankful you care.  I’m glad you have noticed, but worried that you might push.  These things take time and our hearts need to slowly strengthen the bond we share before we even dare consider the future.

  When I wake up I am amused by the emotions I still feel.  The contentment is still there.  My heart is still smiling dimly in recognition and I feel peaceful.  What does it all mean?  Is there a face to the other heart in my dream.  I long for that connection of hearts again, but there is peace in knowing that God is in control.  His connection to my heart is real and far stronger.  I will rest in Him.

• Three Years

  28Oct
  Categories: Family Updates, Grieving, Musings, Remembering Dan, Single Parenting Comments: 6

  Such an array of emotions and thoughts flood my mind tonight.  Tomorrow it will be three years since my life got turned upside down.

  I look back over those years with awe, pain, sorrow, sadness, relief, contentment and joy. 

  There is the awe as I look at the way neighbors, family, friends, friends of friends, and even complete strangers chipped in to help this grief stricken family.  We had so much help and support that it is hard for me to grasp just what a needy situation we really were in.  In a lot of cases we had help before we even knew we needed it.  It is amazing to see God’s family working together the way He intended it to.  I can’t wait to see what our relationships will be like when we get to Heaven.

  There is pain as I remember again those agonizing days in the hospital and the weeks following when getting out of bed to face the day was a struggle of monumental proportions.  I can remember the agony so great and so consuming that my knees would literally buckle and I would sink to the floor clutching my heart trying vainly to somehow pull all the pieces back together.

  There is the sorrow as I think of all the milestones of which Dan has had no part.  The birth of Caleb(2), Payden’s(3) first steps, Maranatha’s(5) first words, Hadassah’s(6) first day of school, Abigail (7) losing her first tooth, Josiah(8) shooting a bow and arrow, Benjamin (9) catching a fish, etc.  

  There is sadness as I think of the future of my children and I see their loss.  Their Daddy will miss their wedding day, their graduations from high school maybe college.  He won’t be there to help them learn to drive, to mentor them, to help them get their first job.  Caleb (2) never even met his Daddy.

  There is relief as I realize that we have made it this far, the worst is over.  There is relief in knowing that God is faithful and He’s proven over and over again that He is quite capable of taking care of us.  My foundation is secure, my hope is eternal, and my future is in His hands.

  There is contentment in knowing that I am right where God wants me to be.  I have chosen to believe that no matter the choices we made leading up to the surgery, God was leading and directing and He was the one who has put me on this path and He is the one who will continue to guide me and care for me.  I am content to follow Him.

  And there is joy as I realize the growth in myself and my children as a result of our heartache.  My compassion for those around me who are struggling has grown so much that I find it necessary to rein myself in lest I play God and try to fix everything possible (good thing God didn’t give me much to work with).  My children’s sensitivity to others who have suffered a loss and to those who are in need of a Savior is convicting.  And tonight Josiah (8) reminded me that we have been blessed by the mercies of God, which he informed me was “stuff we didn’t deserve.”  Their trust that God will bring them a new Daddy, their lack of bitterness and only minor struggles with anger, their sensitivity of spirit and softness of heart cause me to hope that they will survive this experience and be the better for it.  With God all things are possible.

  So, how are we doing?  I would say we are growing and are a living testimony that God’s grace is sufficient.  God is faithful, He has brought us this far.  We have a new “normal” now.  The bad days are rare.  And tonight when our devotional book asked us to choose and pray for a specific request we all agreed that we would like a ‘new daddy.’

• Righteousness Shall Look Down

  06Sep
  Categories: Musings, Remembering Dan Comments: 4

  8/31/11

  Psa 85:10  Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other.

   Dan said this was our verse. 

  I was mercy, he was truth. 

  He was righteousness and I was peace. 

  And we did like kissing each other.  =)

  Today I look down a few more verses 

   

   Psa 85:11  Truth shall spring out of the earth; and righteousness shall look down from heaven.

  Psa 85:12  Yea, the LORD shall give that which is good; and our land shall yield her increase.

  Psa 85:13  Righteousness shall go before him; and shall set us in the way of his steps.

   

  “Righteousness shall look down from heaven” ?!?!?!?

  “Righteousness shall go before him and shall set us in the way of his steps.”  ?!?!?!? 

  Was he telling the future?

   Vs. 12 says “the Lord shall give that which is good;”  Once again I’m going to trust that He did give that which was and is good and will continue to do so.

• Validating

  06Sep
  Categories: Musings Comments: 1

  7/18/11

  I’m watching the sun rise this morning with my cup of cappuccino and my computer and my God. There has been a lot of stress put on Bible reading as part of my devotions in my life and I’ve struggled with that. It’s hard to be awake enough to read the Bible first thing in the morning. Some days I don’t have the time because some kid or other is in my bed or I wake up after they are all up and moving and things just start rolling before I even have a chance to regroup. But I discovered something this morning. Prayer is an essential part of devotions too. This has slowly been working it’s way into my consciousness lately, but I’ve been having a hard time accepting it. Prayer is not quantifiable. But it’s prayer that gets the heart and mind ready to hear and absorb the scriptures. Prayer is definitely a part of my life, but it doesn’t get near the attention it should. I think, “I know God is majestic. He knows He’s awesome. Why do I have to put it in words?” But then why do I have to write a book? Basically I’m just trying to put my life into words (or someone’s life). By putting it in to words I’m validating my existence. By praying I’m am validating God’s presence . . in my life as well as His. Gotta run.

• Clarification

  28Feb
  Categories: Musings Comments: 1

  You are right.  I should clarify.

  #1. It’s not that God isn’t concerned with our happiness, but rather He has His priorities straight and realizes that if we are holy then happiness will come.

  #2. And maybe I should have used the word joyful.  I am aware that even in the most difficult of circumstances it is possible to have joy in your heart even when happiness is far from our minds.

  Thank you for pointing those out.

   

   

• Happy or Holy

  23Feb
  Categories: Musings Comments: 2

  Have been learning about priorities a bit this weekend.  Our preacher on Sunday said that so many Christians are trying to be happy Christians.  sounds good.  We want people to look at us and wonder what we have, isn’t ‘happy’ one of the ways of doing that?

  Then he said that God really isn’t concerned with our happiness.  What?!!

  God calls us to be holy, not happy.  If we are following God’s call of holiness then we will be happy by default.

  So if you see a Christian who is not happy . . . If I am not happy . . . Then my priorities must be messed up somewhere.

• Feeling Guilty

  14Feb
  Categories: Family Updates, Musings, Single Parenting Comments: 4

  Thank you all for the encouragement.  I’m still hoping for the chance to get away, but two of my girls got sick this week and this flu bug seems to have a longer recovery time.  I’m holding my breath and hoping that no one else gets it.

  One of the reasons this bothers me (I think) is because I feel a bit guilty for having a nanny.  I know several women who have lots of children (some more than me) and their husband works, so it’s not like he’s home during the day to help.  And he’s tired when he gets home, so it’s not like he can help a whole lot then either.  But me, I have someone working for Me, helping Me with the household work and the kids.  If I still had Dan I would be working for Him, plus the household chores and tending kids.  Why can’t I handle this?

  Then again, why do I feel the need to be supermom?  Why do I feel guilty?  It’s a pressure I think I must put on myself, because I don’t know of anyone who has made any negative comments.  Curious people have asked why I hired a nanny, but no one was being malicious or patronizing.

  If I can just get to the root . . . then I could hack away at the untruths and get some peace about this.

  So, any ideas where to go?  Little cold this time of year for camping.  =)