• 16Mar
    Categories: Musings Comments: 0

    I’m reading in Ecclesiastes this morning and I read something that reminded me of something I read in Ruth Bell Graham’s book yesterday Legacy of a Pack Rat.  It’s a topic that is often on my mind. 

    Chapter 7, vs 13 says, “Consider the work of God; for who can make that straight, which he hath made crooked.”  And vs 21-22 says, “Also take no heed unto all words that are spoken; lest thou hear thy servant curse thee: For oftentimes also thine own heart knoweth that thou thyself likewise hast cursed others.

    I am currently in training to be the mother of a teenager.  My brother is turning 14 this week and he has teenageritis bad.  I often find myself looking at him with shock and thinking “REALLY!!?”  So far I’ve found it best to use the theory behind these verses although I must admit that sometimes “big sister mode” kicks in. (O.K. Mom, so that mode kicks in more often than it should =) 

    Example:  He says something really stupid and while giving him a blank look my mind is racing with thoughts like, “He can’t really mean that.  Where does this kid get off?  I’m the adult here.  He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  Cut him some slack, big sis.  He will grow up one of these days.”  And the kicker, “You were probably just as bad when you were a teenager.”  Although I doubt that one was true.  =)

     

    So, to connect the dots; I have a picture in mind of what I think a person should be like-Straight.  But God doesn’t make things the way I think they should be made.  He makes them the way He thinks they should be made and I really have no control over whether or not they are straight or crooked.  And besides, I’ve probably done the same thing a time or two myself.  After all, “there is nothing new under the sun”.

     

    Ruth put it this way.

    Who hasn’t, at one time or anothr, fallen flat on one’s face?  Some people seem more prone to fall than others, more prone to failure. [God's crooked vs. our straight?]

    I recall one baby Christan (a grown man, but a baby Christian). . .

    The older Christians were waiting for this man to fall.  And it wasn’t long before he obliged them.

    He said later that the greatest stumbling block in the beginning of his Christian life was not his old drinkig buddies, but skeptical Christians waiting for him to fall flat on his face so they could say, “I told you so!”

    Many of us feel we have the gift of discernment when it comes to the faults and failures of other Christians–and on top of that, the gift of disapproval as well.  But even our Lord came not to condemn (we were already condemned), “but that the world through him might be saved John 3:17).

     Who in your family or among your acquaintances do you most heartily disapprove of?  Don’t you think that one is already eaten up with guilt?  How can you show kindness?

  • 07Mar

    Last night danger came to my home.  Subtle and quiet, friendly yet deceptive, . . it slipped it’s way past my radar and touched my children.  I find myself quite upset about it; there is turmoil, heaviness of spirit, grief, pain, fear.  This affects so much more than just me and my children.  My reaction is vital and will have long range, long lasting effects.

    I can let this deal a powerful blow to my self-esteem.  I missed it.  I must not have been paying enough attention.  I should have seen it coming.  I ignored the warning signs.  Why were other things so important that they distracted me from my children’s well being?

    But that let’s God out of the picture.  I’m human. I can only do so much.  I cannot live in fear of the unknown.  And if it’s unknown I can’t do anything about it anyway.  Thinking that I should have noticed puts unrealistic expectations on myself.  God can handle it.

    I could blame someone else.  What was he thinking?  It’s all her fault.  Where were they when I needed them?  Why didn’t someone else notice?

    But if I follow that way of thinking then I won’t be able to trust anyone.  I’m human.  I make mistakes.  I have to allow for that in other people, too.

    I coul hide from possible future reoccurences (extreme hiding).

    But I doubt that will really be effective, it shows a decided lack of trust in God, and in the end my kids will hate me for it.

    I could go crazy worrying about everything a mother could possibly worry about for their kids and do my best to protect them from anything and everything that could harm them.

    But I don’t cotton to that philosophy.  Besides, I’m not built that way.  That would wear me out in about three hours and if I’m so totally worried I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I would probably have a nervous breakdown that would put me in the hospital by the end of the week.  Worry is another demonstration of a lack of trust in a perfect God.  What makes me think I can do it better?  And I doubt my kids would like this reaction either.

    My conclusion?  Well, . . I have to trust God.  He saw it.  He knows everything.  He can use it in our lives to make us better, . . if we let Him.  Yeah, “Mother Bear Instinct” wants to protect my kids, but they need to learn HOW to deal with situations, and how to react to the good and the bad, rather than just how to avoid or overlook the problems.

    I also need to forgive.  Not the forgetful kind of forgiveness because I need to be reminded occasionally so that I stay alert and aware of the danger, but the kind of forgiveness that frees me from bitterness and the responsibility of punishment.

    My children are watching.  Their innocence means that they will be looking to me (and others) to see how they should react.  Is this something to fear; something to pass off, something to hide, something to share . . ?

    Is my God big enough?  Do I trust Him enough?  He has promised never to leave us or forsake us.

  • 26Feb
    Categories: Musings Comments: 2

    Ecclesiastes 3:11

    “He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.”

    This WILL be beautiful in HIS time.

    No man can understand the big picture that God is creating.  We must rest and trust in His wisdom, love and perfection.  He WILL make it beautiful.

    Some days I really empathize with Solomon’s “vanity of vanities, all is vanity” theory on life. 

    Muscle those depressing thoughts into submission.  Shove them back into Satan’s box where they belong.  GOD has proven that He can be trusted and He loves us.  Relax.  It will work out just like He wants it to.

  • 22Feb

    Today my child looked at me and whined.  “Moooommmm!”

    I took a breath and a moment of silence to control my temper and here is my response (in a very whiney tone, of course)(how does one spell whine anyway?).

    “You know, I want to whine too.  Moooommmm, someone hurt me!  Moooommmm, why do I have to forgive?  Moooommmm, why do I have to share my toys and my time?  Moooommmm, I don’t want to clean up this mess!  Moooommmm, I don’t like this!  Moooommmm, I want this to be different!  Moooommmm, It’s not fair!”

     

    Now, take out the Moooommmm’s and put in “God!” and you have a pretty good synopsis of what I feel like this morning.

     

    Then the clincher.  I looked at my child, took a deep breath and said with all the sarcasm I could muster, “But I am a responsible adult and I will not whine.”

     

    I wonder if God thinks I’m doing o.k. at that ‘adult’ thing.

  • 17Feb

    Song:  I could have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance.

     

    Thought:   The dance made it worthwhile?  But what if I can’t remember the dance anymore?  So much of Dan has been relegated to the past and like all things in the past the edges blur, pieces are missing, and the worst part is that he just isn’t a part of my daily life.  So, all I’m left with is the pain and some blurred memories that get more and more distant.

     

    Praise the Lord the song is wrong.  Yeah, the dance was wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for anything, but that’s not what makes it all worthwhile. 

     

    Payden (2) kissed me the other night.  I’ve been cuddling him for a minute or two before he goes to sleep and then I give him a big kiss before I leave the room.  The other night he turned to me, put his little hands on my face, puckered up and gave me the sweetest kiss I’ve had since Dan died.  He was so cute.  Then he giggled like he thought he was hot stuff.

    We went to a basketball game last night.  It was a “Just for Fun” game and they let a bunch of the little kids play a mini game at half time.  Benjamin (7) did well; Josiah (6) wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but he kept trying; Abigail (5) just stood there confused until a basketball hit her on the head.  =)  It was fun to watch and they did really well considering they’ve never “played” a game before.

    So, I guess you could say that in one sense the kids make it all worth while, but if I didn’t have any kids would it still have been worth it?  And I still would have to say yes.

     

    Dan expanded my world to such an extent that I can’t even begin to touch on all the ways he has changed my life.  The world is bigger.  I know many wonderful people now that I never would have met without Dan.  I am so much more aware of politics, environmental hogwash, world news, and the mechanics of cars, computers, and, engines to name a few.  Our relationship with each other (and the kids) made me much more aware of the variety of people, their characteristics, and their personalities. 

     

    I would not be who I am today if it were not for Dan.  And since I happen to like who I am I would have to say that Dan was good for me.

    And the icing on the cake would have to be my spiritual walk.  Living that close to anyone will either improve or ruin your relationships.  I like to think that living that close to Dan helped me in my walk with the Lord.  And if living with him didn’t do it, than living without him is definitely a push in the right direction.

    So, the conclusion is still that it’s worth it.  I just have to remind myself of that on days like this when it hurts so much I can’t stop crying.

  • 14Feb
    Categories: Musings Comments: 1

    Not just His salvation,

    But His teachings, His life, His glory, His love, His justice, His mercy, His forgiveness, His faithfulness, His trustworthiness, His passion, His steadfastness, . . .

    When we proclaim Him, ALL of HIM, there is no room for self.

  • 13Feb

    I started to write . . .

    Growth is a normal part of our lives and we accept that when it comes to physical growth.  But I’m starting to notice a reluctance on our part to accept “growth” when we are dealing with spiritual and emotional growth.

    But I fell asleep.

    I started to write . . .

    The house is wonderful.  My dad told me the other day that my electric bill is less than his and I know I’m running the dryer more than they are, have way more appliances and lots more reason to use them, and we are usually home all day where they all have school and jobs (not to mention my house is bigger).  So we did something right there.  Cabin fever is still a problem and since there is so much open space in the downstairs we have quite the echo (makes things quite loud when the kids are running around), but I am constantly reminded of the cramped quarters in WV and am ever so grateful when I can holler, “Enough!!  Everyone to the Basement!!”  Then they can run and scream and fight and romp and all that fun stuff down there and give me a few minutes to catch my breath and see if my ear drums are still in working condition.  Sometimes I send them outside, but that can be exhausting work, too.  Till the last one is dressed and out the door the first ones are coming back in to go to the potty and to warm up.  We had a snowstorm the other day that resulted in schools being cancelled, etc, etc. and I got the kids all dressed and we walked down to Nana’s (two houses down).  Payden (2) went down earlier so I didn’t have to worry about trying to carry him.  I took my big laundry basket and put a plastic bag in it and a rope on the front and then packed the diaper bag and other essentials in there and Caleb.  Benjamin (7) and Josiah (6) pulled a sled that had the two little girls on it and Abigail (5) was big enough to handle it on her own.  The wind was blowing so hard that there were times we could barely see and they were all cold till we got there (except Caleb), but they were good sports.  They slept better that night, too.  Caleb had his bottle and a blanket thrown over his head so we were barely started down the driveway before he fell asleep.  I can see why someone would envy babies.

     

    And I fell asleep  . . .

    Tonight

    I’m just going to sleep.

  • 03Feb

    I had a moment of panic today that made me rethink my jealousy of Dan.  I looked at the kids running around me, the runny noses, the diaper that needs changed, the fact that they are always hungry (when there isn’t real food to eat), the obvious desire for attention, and noted the loneliness that comes when there is only one adult in the house and I realized something.  Those kids have no one else.

    I can’t do the heaven thing yet!!  These kids need me!  The idea of putting them into someone else’s care makes my heart ache.  At least Dan had the comfort of knowing they still had me.  I know my kids would be well loved and cared for if something happened to me, but kids NEED their parents. 

    This is where I’m needed and where God wants me.  Who am I to complain? 

    So maybe I’ve gotten through another part of the grieving process?  The anger and jealousy . . .

  • 16Jan

    Had another disturbing phone call the other day.  Just a reminder of my loss and a smack of reality.  It’s easier when I just pretend that it never happened.  Somehow all these kids just appeared out of thin air and my life consists of only the present.  I don’t understand why people wouldn’t want there to be a ‘Creator’ that they can dump all their problems on and just keep going.  Why would you want to carry everything yourself?  If I have to do all the cleaning . . yeah, it gets done to my specifications, but think of all the fun I could be having instead if I let the kids help get the work done (or hire someone =)

     

    Another reality smack occurred when I stood on our front porch and waved goodbye to my boys as they headed off for their ‘first’ day of work.  They are getting older.  They aren’t babies any more, and if I’m smart I’ll learn how to let go before they ask.  Sigh.