• 15Jan

    It was a great day.  My three oldest, Benjamin (9), Josiah (8), and Abigail (7) all followed the Lord in believer’s baptism.  That means that they knew that there was a time in their life when they admitted to God that they were sinners and that they needed His forgiveness and healing to save them from their sins and to take them to Heaven.  And by taking the step of baptism they were shouting to the world that Jesus had died on the cross for their sins and that they had accepted His gift of salvation.  They were dedicating their lives to Jesus.  (Baptism doesn’t save, it is merely a public profession of faith.)

    Exciting.  So many things going on.  It was my day to play the piano so there were responsibilities there to think of, clothes to remember, friends who came for the special day to greet, children to calm, others to reassure that they were important, too . . . We threw a party at our house after the service so family could celebrate. Something simple since it was Sunday and no one wanted to clean up the mess or even make it to begin with.  Kids were too wound to take naps, no time to practice for special music during the evening service.  Good messages.  Good fellowship.  Good God.

    I cried on the way home.  One of the first of many important events in the life of his children and Dan missed it.  I even wore my wedding dress (shortened and added a little red sweater) and a necklace that Dan gave me.  And he didn’t even bother to show up and tell me how pretty I looked.  Sigh.

    But God was there and I think He was pleased. 

     Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

  • 28Oct

    Such an array of emotions and thoughts flood my mind tonight.  Tomorrow it will be three years since my life got turned upside down.

    I look back over those years with awe, pain, sorrow, sadness, relief, contentment and joy. 

    There is the awe as I look at the way neighbors, family, friends, friends of friends, and even complete strangers chipped in to help this grief stricken family.  We had so much help and support that it is hard for me to grasp just what a needy situation we really were in.  In a lot of cases we had help before we even knew we needed it.  It is amazing to see God’s family working together the way He intended it to.  I can’t wait to see what our relationships will be like when we get to Heaven.

    There is pain as I remember again those agonizing days in the hospital and the weeks following when getting out of bed to face the day was a struggle of monumental proportions.  I can remember the agony so great and so consuming that my knees would literally buckle and I would sink to the floor clutching my heart trying vainly to somehow pull all the pieces back together.

    There is the sorrow as I think of all the milestones of which Dan has had no part.  The birth of Caleb(2), Payden’s(3) first steps, Maranatha’s(5) first words, Hadassah’s(6) first day of school, Abigail (7) losing her first tooth, Josiah(8) shooting a bow and arrow, Benjamin (9) catching a fish, etc.  

    There is sadness as I think of the future of my children and I see their loss.  Their Daddy will miss their wedding day, their graduations from high school maybe college.  He won’t be there to help them learn to drive, to mentor them, to help them get their first job.  Caleb (2) never even met his Daddy.

    There is relief as I realize that we have made it this far, the worst is over.  There is relief in knowing that God is faithful and He’s proven over and over again that He is quite capable of taking care of us.  My foundation is secure, my hope is eternal, and my future is in His hands.

    There is contentment in knowing that I am right where God wants me to be.  I have chosen to believe that no matter the choices we made leading up to the surgery, God was leading and directing and He was the one who has put me on this path and He is the one who will continue to guide me and care for me.  I am content to follow Him.

    And there is joy as I realize the growth in myself and my children as a result of our heartache.  My compassion for those around me who are struggling has grown so much that I find it necessary to rein myself in lest I play God and try to fix everything possible (good thing God didn’t give me much to work with).  My children’s sensitivity to others who have suffered a loss and to those who are in need of a Savior is convicting.  And tonight Josiah (8) reminded me that we have been blessed by the mercies of God, which he informed me was “stuff we didn’t deserve.”  Their trust that God will bring them a new Daddy, their lack of bitterness and only minor struggles with anger, their sensitivity of spirit and softness of heart cause me to hope that they will survive this experience and be the better for it.  With God all things are possible.

    So, how are we doing?  I would say we are growing and are a living testimony that God’s grace is sufficient.  God is faithful, He has brought us this far.  We have a new “normal” now.  The bad days are rare.  And tonight when our devotional book asked us to choose and pray for a specific request we all agreed that we would like a ‘new daddy.’

  • 25Sep

    I’ve been bowled over by a grief wave that I did not see coming.  In fact, I was three quarters of the way through it before I had any idea what was going on. 

    I’m hormonal and surely everyone knows it.

    I’m preparing for a trip to Dan’s homeland and he’s not going with me!  (Imagine that said with a wail

    (Calm again) I talked with someone today about the place where Dan and I met. (So many memories)  We chatted about people we both knew, we talked about places we had both been.  (Sigh) Ah, Dan, why aren’t you here to fill in the blanks? 

    I had a reminder that not everyone knows my story and apparently it’s still a bit painful at times to think back . . .

    I saw a visionary in action and oh the pain and longing that brings.  I had forgotten how much it hurts.

     

    I miss my visionary.

  • 12May

    Ten years ago today

     

    Ten years ago today I gave my Danny a big hug that said “I love you to pieces and I don’t care who knows.”

    Ten years ago today he hugged me back.

    Ten years ago today they spent more time getting his hair to lay flat than I spent getting mine to be curly.

    Ten years ago today he was late as usual, although he claimed that was Wayne’s fault.

    Ten years ago today I paced the floor in excitement.

    Ten years ago today he was told to take special note of my dress.

    Ten years ago today we were surrounded by family and friends.

    Ten years ago today we almost started a fire in the church with a candle.

    Ten years ago today we kissed.

    Ten years ago today we forgot the food.

    Ten years ago today someone made a mess of our car.

    Ten years ago today Dan carried me over the mud puddles.

    Ten years ago today we forgot the camping gear.

    Ten years ago today we picked up a friends luggage.

    Ten years ago today we loved.

    Ten years ago today we started a new life together.

     

    Today I am alone and I grieve the loss, but I know that “HIS way is perfect.”

    Today the pain is great, but “His mercies are new every morning.”

    Today my heart was sore, but “the Comforter has come.”

    Today . . .

     

    What a difference ten years can make.

     

    Psalm 23:3-4  He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.  Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

  • 29Mar
    Categories: Grieving Comments: 4

    I am struggling with a heaviness of spirit today that threatens our peaceful existence. 

    Normally spring time is when my spirits are the brightest.  I love the freshness in the air, the feel of the energy starting to flow through every living thing.  I love to watch the romance blossoming all around me, I love to see the flowers peeking their heads up through the crusty dirt, and I love to feel the adventure in the air.

    But once again spring isn’t what I’ve been expecting.  It’s disconcerting–I didn’t think this would be something that would ever change.  Contrary to popular opinion☺, I seem to be getting older.  I can’t quite pick myself up and move on quite like I  used to.

    Ah, I probably just need to get some sleep and do some more journaling.

    It’s my third spring without Dan, Grandma’s first without Pappy.  Love is in the air in my household (two adopted girls, one dating, the other engaged).  It’s fun to watch and I wouldn’t miss it for anything, but some days it hurts. 

    While my other half has gone away at least the “Son” in my universe is still there for me to orbit around.  I am not without hope and purpose.  Feelings are superficial and can be overcome.  The reality is that I am loved by the Giver of Love and I am on the Great Adventure of following Him.

  • 15Mar

    My Pappy died on Friday, and we are grieving again.

    It’s different this time.  There are the obvious differences like he was a Grandpa and not a husband.  He wasn’t my provider or support.  He wasn’t the father of my children.  And the list could go on, but I’m talking about something different.  I’m different.

    I hesitate to say that I am comfortable with grieving.  Maybe a better word to use would be “familiar.”  I’m familiar with the process, the pain, the mind numbing ache that fills you, the depression, and the tears.  I know where certain emotions are headed.  I know what I need to look out for.  I know little tricks to get me through difficult situations.  I know what to expect from those that surround me.

    But I am reminded as I watch Grandma grieve, that everyone grieves differently and that no matter how much I know, I still can’t do the grieving for her.  My knowledge and experience almost feels useless.

    And yet in a strange way I feel confident.  If I can make it through losing Dan, then I can make it through this.  I have no doubts that the Lord will once again prove Himself powerful and loving.

    He is faithful,

    He is good.

    In His time,

    All is understood.

     

    I simply trust,

    And hold on tight.

    He will protect,

    All through the night.

     

    I cling to His love,

    And rest in His care.

    He has promised,

    He will always be there.

     

    Jesus, Lover,

    Faithful Friend,

    Provider, Protector,

    On You I depend.

  • 29Dec

    DATE:

    No, Andrew wasn’t my date.  =)  My Mom was smarter than that.  =)  She decided to separate us which meant that my brother was my mother’s date, and I was my father’s date.  It really was lots of fun.  We went out to Chinese, goofed off, teased my Dad, had some good conversation, saw a movie (and ALL the credits),  =) and just had a nice relaxing evening.  The kids spent the night elsewhere so there was no pressure to get home.  And then when I did get home I could meander my way to bed as I pleased.  Lovely!!

    CHRISTMAS:

    Christmas went well.  I had my holiday slump over Thanksgiving and so was in a much better mood for Christmas.  We had family over the day before Christmas and just had hoagies (subs) for lunch and opened some presents after that. 

    Christmas day had its ups and downs.  My parents (and brother) came up again in the morning and watched the kids open the rest of their gifts.  We had a treasure hunt for baby Jesus (for our manger scene), played a while, made cookie cut-out PB & J for lunch, had a tea party with the girl’s new dishes, made some “Thank You” cards, took some naps, cleaned up a bit, and then headed down to Nana’s to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

    Josiah (7) got a tool box and a birdhouse kit for Christmas.  He’s been the one asking for a new daddy that does construction ’cause he (J) wants to help him.  He was so excited and wanted to put it together right away.  I just couldn’t figure out how to squeeze in the time to help him do that.  I knew that a Daddy was needed.  So I asked for a volunteer, . . .  Now the birdhouse has it’s first coat of paint and waiting for the second and Josiah has declared that it’s his best Christmas present.  I think what made it so special was the “putting together” part with a “daddy.”  (Thank you, Daddy!)

    Benjamin (8) got a computer game (Worms2).  This was a game that he played with his Dad and he even remembers beating Dan once.  I remember it, too, ’cause Dan was almost offended at the idea of being beaten by a 6  yr old (I’m sure he played easy, tho).  Our previous game got broken and Benjamin has been trying to save up money (a quarter at a time usually) so that he could buy another one.  He was quite thrilled to get one as a present. (Thank you, Glenda!)

    Abigail(6) got a china tea set that she is struggling to remember to keep out of the reach of her younger brothers.  I’m actually hoping it will teach her some responsibility.  We had great fun using the tiny tea pot and cups with some little shortbread cookies at our tea party.

    Hadassah (5) also got some kitchen tools, cups, plates, cookie cutters, silverware, and such.  It was her cookie cutters that made our “special” sandwiches for lunch.

    Maranatha (4) got some more play dough which is a favorite of hers, as well as another stuffed beanie baby with a tag (the tag being the best part).

    Payden (3) got a barn and some animals to play with and the playroom hasn’t looked the same since.  Animals, animals everywhere . . .

    Caleb (2) got a Noah’s Ark with more animals and has really enjoyed playing with that with his brother, but his cars still win out.  And with his little quilt made especially for him he can still sit and play with his cars for hours.

    And once again many people have helped to make this Christmas something to remember with happy thoughts, rather than sad ones.  Before Dan died I had no idea how Christmas could be sad.  Friends and loved ones have joined together to remind us that we are not alone and not forgotten and we are thankful for each one of you.  Thank you for the gifts you sent our way, the pictures and cards, the notes and letters  . . . each one has served as a reminder of God’s love and faithfulness to us.

    CHRISTMAS LETTER:

    I feel quite guilty about this one.  I had great plans to get our family photo printed (we got a really good one this summer) and get letters sent out to all of you with an update . . . It just never happened and it never quite made it to the top of the priority list.  Then when I finally did get around to it . . . well, I seem to have lost my copy of our pictures . . .  I’m still hoping to get some of those sent out, but it might be Easter before you all see them.  Maybe I’ll start a new tradition of ”Belated Christmas Cards.”  Who knows! It could be a seller!

  • 06Dec

    One of the stages of grief is acceptance.  I thought I was doing o.k. on that one, but these things have a way of coming and going and showing new facets every time they pop up.  I think I have accepted the fact that Dan is gone.  He is never coming back.  There isn’t (and wasn’t) anything I can do to change that.  I have accepted the past.  It’s the future I seem to be struggling with, again.

    I realized the other day (in a new way) that things will never go back to the way they were.  Even if the Lord does provide another mate it will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  I sometimes wonder if Dan would still love the “new me.”  I’m a different person . . . I know that has to be true, but I still feel like the same old me. 

    Any future relationships (friends, family, or spouse) will be colored by my relationship with Dan.  The innocent “first love” is gone.  I won’t ever have that again, and the one that I could share it with is gone, too.  Relationships are lumped into two categories, “Those who knew Dan” and “Those who didn’t.”  And gradually as the years progress it will become even more vague and it will be “Those who know about Dan” and “Those who don’t even realize I was married (you would think that would be a given with 7 children, but in today’s culture . . .).

    When you are young and in love and married for the first time there are a lot of things that need to be worked out for the first time and you are both new to game.  You build and shape your marriage together based on each other’s preferences, desires, and dreams.

    I’ve been alone awhile, but there are foundational things that were established at the beginning of our marriage that are still part of my everyday life and always will be.  Then there are things that I’ve decided that have molded and shaped our family further and will always have an impact on our family.  Those things, things that often can’t even be verbalized, will have an impact on future relationships, too.

    It is a comfort to realize that my God will never change.  He is fully “mature” and quite capable of patiently waiting for me to mature, all the while loving me better than anyone else could. 

    Thank you, Lord, for loving me as I grow and mature, as I stretch my wings, sometimes wandering away from You.  But in Your mercy You always lead me back.  Thank you for never changing, for remaining constant and true, for being my rock and my shelter in life’s raging storms.  It’s nice to know you are always there.

  • 06Dec
    Interesting statement I read tonight:
    Some of us are more public about our grief; others are not.  Don’t assume that just because someone shows no outward sign of grief doesn’t mean it is not there.
  • 21Nov

    “Hang in there.”

    In my depression and despair my heart cried, “Hang in there till when, till what?  What does my future hold?”   I often feel at a loss as to where to place my hope for the future.  As much as I know it would be good for me to have some future goals and dreams, something to work toward, I find it impossible to think much farther than the next day or week.  What can I say?  I was made to complement a dreamer, not be the dreamer.

    I miss my dreamer.  I miss his hugs, his stimulating conversations, his protection, his presence, his heat, his touch, his love, his enthusiasm, his help . . .  each one of those words creates a picture in my mind and his loss, my loss, makes my heart ache. 

    Do I have the hope of being that fulfilled part of a whole again?  Dare I let myself hope?

    “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me?  Hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”  Ps.43:5

    “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.”  Ps. 31:24

    “Behold, the eye of the LORD is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy;” Ps. 33:18

    “Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word.” Ps. 119:114

    “The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.” Lam 3:24

    Hope in God, hope in the LORD, hope in His mercy, Hope in His Word, Hope in Him . . . I have hope.

    “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jer 29:11

    His thoughts are of peace, mine should be too.