He was here.
But he was telling me he had to go.
Others needed to hear of Jesus.
He was distracted and I could see he wasn’t mine anymore.
He’s fading. My mind can’t fill in the details of his face as well as it used to.
He’s going/gone no matter what I want. Sigh.
I had a moment of panic today that made me rethink my jealousy of Dan. I looked at the kids running around me, the runny noses, the diaper that needs changed, the fact that they are always hungry (when there isn’t real food to eat), the obvious desire for attention, and noted the loneliness that comes when there is only one adult in the house and I realized something. Those kids have no one else.
I can’t do the heaven thing yet!! These kids need me! The idea of putting them into someone else’s care makes my heart ache. At least Dan had the comfort of knowing they still had me. I know my kids would be well loved and cared for if something happened to me, but kids NEED their parents.
This is where I’m needed and where God wants me. Who am I to complain?
So maybe I’ve gotten through another part of the grieving process? The anger and jealousy . . .
Another stage.
I find myself amazed at the intensity of this particular feeling. I’m not a social bug by any stretch of the imagination. I can get all hyped up, be the life of the party, and have a great time doing it, but it only lasts for a couple hours. Then I’m exhausted. (I can spend long stretches with people if intense emotion isn’t involved.)
I have a loner streak that I’m quite comfortable with. I’ve gone weeks with my only social interaction being who I see as I round up the kids on our way to and from church (and the occasional conversation between services). But lately . . .
I feel like I haven’t met anyone new or stretched my conversation skills since, I don’t know, . . last August? Going shopping doesn’t cut it. Guess it’s time to try something new.
Oh Dan. Why don’t you talk to me? I haven’t had a good discussion on politics, public schools, engineering, space, or the latest invention in . . forever. I knew we would have problems when you quit talking to me.
Dan would have been 33 today. So many jokes we tossed back and forth about that age. Instead we celebrated Caleb’s first birthday.
We had cake and milk for breakfast. His siblings helped him blow out his candle. Benjamin gave him the candle (so he could lick the icing off of it) and he put the wrong end in his mouth. He wasn’t much impressed with the taste. =) He had fun with the cake though.
I couldn’t eat breakfast. I didn’t even stick around to watch Caleb eat his breakfast. The day didn’t improve much. I was grouchy with the kids, couldn’t get a nap because the older ones were being totally stubborn about school!, and Maranatha finished off the day on a high note by throwing up all over the library floor.
Hope survives. Tomorrow is another day. God loves me. My kids still love me. And we survived another hurdle in the grieving process.
I find myself extremely sensitive to the mention of Heaven lately.
Sensitive is the wrong word since it hardly conveys the extreme anger that has been boiling up inside me.
I remember anger like this from my high school days. The only way I could describe it then was “blackness, an overpowering, empty blackness.” This is a bit different in that the blackness seems to be boiling, swirling around inside, threatening to explode. I spent a large portion of my Sunday struggling to control the emotions that were bursting at the seams. I couldn’t even sit through the church service. Instead I spent my time, pacing, crying, writing . . .
I’ve been doing some subconscious hiding, I think. Rather than facing things head on and using the grace that God is so willing to give for that situation I’ve been storing things away to deal with later . . when God’s grace isn’t available? Not that He deserts me, but rather I desert Him.
You know, why can’t we just make a decision (emotionally) and then just not ever have to make that decision again?! ‘Course if we made a bad decision we wouldn’t be able to change it that way . . . sigh . . . yes, Lord. Who am I to question your plans. Of course your way is best. Do you have to be right all the time? Silly question to ask a perfect being, I guess. Sigh. So when can I be perfect like you? imagine childish voices– ” I want to be just like you, Daddy!!”
This is getting a bit mixed up.
Anyway, after a day or two of that awful emotional battle I was, of course, quite drained. I still don’t much care for the mention of Heaven (my focus is off and I’m trying to change that), but at least it’s not making me spit nails any more. I’m jealous. Figures. Never really was much jealous of a girl when it came to Dan . . . a computer, yes, but other girls . . nope. Now I’m jealous of a place and there really isn’t anything I can do about it at this point.
So, for those of you who are praying, please pray for a right focus, my relationship with my Lord (and His home), sleep, and some control.
Thank you.
What a day.
From the highs of getting some social activity this morning with other adults, to the lows of cleaning my kitchen and realizing a new that this holiday is a family holiday and my family is missing (I know, the kids are my family, too), to the calmness of an evening spent relaxing with the kids (strangely, it really was calm–relatively speaking to the rest of you I’m sure), I feel like I’ve run the gamut of emotions today.
My brother had a Christmas party at his school today and we were invited. It took a while to get everyone out of the house, but we made it. Then I did a lot of running around helping set up tables, get the meal ready, etc, but that is what I like to do. We ate, we played, we talked . . real adult talk! It was great.
Then we went home and Dassy (4), Maranatha (3), and Payden (2) all took naps. Unusual for Dassy, but very much needed today. Caleb (1) unfortunately, napped on the way home so he didn’t really want to go back to bed. However, he was in bed for the night by 6! I hope he’s not up too early tomorrow!
I tried to get a bit of a nap, but it didn’t work real well. Sometimes that just makes me grouchier than if I hadn’t bothered at all, but I managed to pull through today. Instead Depression smacked me full in the face and wrapped itself around my head. I tried my usual thought process. “Your tired. Hormones are acting up. You’ll be fine tomorrow.”
“Wahhhhh! No I won’t! Nothing will have changed tomorrow. Dan will still be gone. I will still be trying to fill in the holes in this impossible situation. I’m grieving! For heaven’s sake, Liisa! Let it out!”
So I cried.
And then I went and joined the kids who were sliding down the stairs on a mattress.
Then with my kitchen clean (a big help in the relaxation factor), Caleb in bed, and some of the kid’s excess energy burned off with the party this morning and the mattress sliding this afternoon, we had a nice “quiet” evening. The older ones played some card games at the kitchen table, the younger ones colored in the playroom with me while I worked on my latest project.
So, now I’m exhausted and ready for bed . . .
Another day in the life of the Ewings. =)
I can’t talk!! It’s so annoying and frustrating. Dan led the conversations, I just guided and directed and gathered information. Now when I want to say something nice or just try to be polite the stupidest things come out of my mouth! I thought we did just fine at the communication part of our marriage — not perfect, of course, but fine. Now I’m afraid that Dan did all the communicating. Probably just another case of where we balanced each other out and made a good team (He talked, I listened -and wrote). Maybe I should get a job at Burger King again so that I can practice small talk with a hundred people a day.
No wonder I didn’t get to go to heaven. I have too much to learn.
I visited the pages of some friends to get some inspiration for this blog, but find I am still a bit in the dark about what to write. I don’t have to write, but my last blog got some of my faithful prayer warriors a bit worried and I just need to let them know that I’m o.k.
I am o.k. I had an extremely grouchy day piled high with the emotions of a holiday without Dan and without the shock that helped to numb everything during the last holiday season. It was a rough day although my mom seems to think I hid it well. But after venting a bit on my blog I was able to sleep and woke quite refreshed and cheerful.
I got a little quieter when we pulled out the Christmas decorations and lights and put up a tree for the kids (they decorated and I’m trying hard to let it alone . . . =). But then Sunday night we turned all the lights off, turned the Christmas lights on, turned the music up, and bounced and danced around all over the playroom and made quite the ruckus (not to mention quite the mess). In the midst of all the fun a song came on that said “I could have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance.” And I found myself strangely grateful for my situation. I could have missed the pain of losing Dan, but then I would have missed the joy of knowing Dan, not to mention the joy of ALL SEVEN of my children. I hope that somehow I can convey to them their importance in the grand scheme of things.
It hurts, but I have no regrets.
It’s midnight again and I am waging a war. Rage and frustration, grouchiness and loneliness, depression and grief are all roiling around, bubbling over, and spitting out a sticky black goo that melts into and absorbs everything it touches.
Some would say that I am an innocent. How can I not be with my simplistic view that I can be happy and trust my God to handle and direct my life in a loving manner?
I object. I don’t have to be exposed to all the dirty little secrets this world holds to know that the life we are living is less than perfect. I am being faced with it again and again, day after day, as I try to come to grips with the fact that my “perfect” life has been shattered by the filthiness of sin and corruption. I had a taste of what God intended in the Garden of Eden and like Adam and Eve I feel as if I have been thrust out of a place of beauty where everything makes sense, into a dreary world of loneliness and confusion.
Did you know that inanimate objects can speak?
I had a conversation with my conditioner bottle the other day. Ha! You think I’m crazy! =) You might be right. Anyway, let me share it with you, modified slightly to make it more enjoyable to read.
I was cleaning up and “grieving” (or so I told myself), when out of the blue, my conditioner bottle jumps at me from behind and gives me a good thwack, not to mention a good scare.
I mean wouldn’t you be scared if things you thought were inanimate, starting jumping at you!?
I flinched (’almost left the ground’ kind of flinch) and was about to go back to my “woe is me’s”
(like: Whoever came up with the extra large bottles of shampoo and conditioner was brilliant, but couldn’t they have gotten together with the dudes that make the tubs and made a spot to put them as well? They tempt you with the “buy more, spend less” philosophy and then make you regret it enough that you never want to do that again),
But I got interrupted.
Conditioner: Just what is God trying to say here?!
Me: You’re asking me? You’re a bottle of soap! Don’t tell me you question what God’s will is for your life?! Let me alone. I’m grieving here.
Conditioner: Yeah, right. How about having yourself a big ole’ pity party.
Me: Hey! I have a reason to feel sorry for myself.
Conditioner: So? How many friends do people have who feel sorry for themselves? Do you want to be in the friendless category? They can only handle it for so long and what about the kids?
Me: (Grumble, grumble) Why does it always come back to the kids?
Conditioner: Maybe because that is where YOU feel like YOU are slacking?
Me: Does that mean that I’m nagging at myself? Oh, never mind. I’m going to bed.
Conditioner: That would be a good place to start. I know how much sleep you’ve been getting and it’s not near enough.
Me: How would you know how much. . . . ? You know, never mind. I can’t believe I’m having this conversation in the first place. Reminds me of Baalam’s donkey, and I’m starting to feel like a donkey.
So anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to have friends, therefore it’s time to get some sleep, stop feeling sorry for myself and get back out there and live my life like I’m enjoying it. And I’ve also learned to be careful what kind of conditioner I buy. You never know what kind of an impact it will have on your life. =)
