• 15Mar

    My Pappy died on Friday, and we are grieving again.

    It’s different this time.  There are the obvious differences like he was a Grandpa and not a husband.  He wasn’t my provider or support.  He wasn’t the father of my children.  And the list could go on, but I’m talking about something different.  I’m different.

    I hesitate to say that I am comfortable with grieving.  Maybe a better word to use would be “familiar.”  I’m familiar with the process, the pain, the mind numbing ache that fills you, the depression, and the tears.  I know where certain emotions are headed.  I know what I need to look out for.  I know little tricks to get me through difficult situations.  I know what to expect from those that surround me.

    But I am reminded as I watch Grandma grieve, that everyone grieves differently and that no matter how much I know, I still can’t do the grieving for her.  My knowledge and experience almost feels useless.

    And yet in a strange way I feel confident.  If I can make it through losing Dan, then I can make it through this.  I have no doubts that the Lord will once again prove Himself powerful and loving.

    He is faithful,

    He is good.

    In His time,

    All is understood.

     

    I simply trust,

    And hold on tight.

    He will protect,

    All through the night.

     

    I cling to His love,

    And rest in His care.

    He has promised,

    He will always be there.

     

    Jesus, Lover,

    Faithful Friend,

    Provider, Protector,

    On You I depend.

  • 19Feb

    So, the kids are gone for a long weekend. 

    I have great plans to spend tons of time with the Lord, get some things accomplished, do some grieving, etc.

    By Friday lunch (kids are to leave before supper), I realize that I am quite sick.  What’s that saying about the plans of mice and men?  =(

    I have determined that this will not stop me.  My list of things to accomplish is long, but some of it I can do in bed.  I start with a nice soak in the tub which helps with the muscles sore from sickness and I watch a video about my kids grief at the same time.  Start planning how to share this information with others who help with my children.

    Bedtime by 7, because I can and because I’m not doing much moving.  Hoping and planning on a special breakfast, but we will see.

    Restless night again (been dreaming about Dan and having a hard time sleeping when I’m not).  So I’m up at 1:30 a.m. and decide to do some work, because I can.  Don’t have to get up tomorrow if I don’t want to (or at least not way earlier than I want to because Caleb (2) wants breakfast and will get it himself if I’m not there to intervene). 

    The wind is really strong again and I’m afraid for the safety of my front door.  I really think I need to put in some trees somewhere for a windbreak out there.  Couple problems with that: the expense, don’t want to ruin the view, and digging the holes in the rock I have for a front yard.  Maybe I can come up with some solutions while I’m stuck here in my bed.

    I’d like to grouch and complain, Lord.  I think I could have enjoyed this much better without the aching head, nauseated stomach, and scratchy eyes.  I guess you work better in my weakness, though, huh.  Well, I’m weak.  Do your best!

    I am thankful that I’m not trying to deal with being sick and keeping the children out of trouble at the same time.  I am thankful that it’s not worse.  I could be laid up for an extended period of time.  I could be struggling with health issues on a daily basis.  I could be without help for the children.  Thank you, Lord, for your protection and provision once again.  You are faithful.  Hold me close and help me get the rest I need so that I am once again ready to fight the battles of child rearing.  Refresh my spirit and soften my heart so that I am once again tender to the directions of the Holy Spirit.  Love you!

  • 14Feb

    Thank you all for the encouragement.  I’m still hoping for the chance to get away, but two of my girls got sick this week and this flu bug seems to have a longer recovery time.  I’m holding my breath and hoping that no one else gets it.

    One of the reasons this bothers me (I think) is because I feel a bit guilty for having a nanny.  I know several women who have lots of children (some more than me) and their husband works, so it’s not like he’s home during the day to help.  And he’s tired when he gets home, so it’s not like he can help a whole lot then either.  But me, I have someone working for Me, helping Me with the household work and the kids.  If I still had Dan I would be working for Him, plus the household chores and tending kids.  Why can’t I handle this?

    Then again, why do I feel the need to be supermom?  Why do I feel guilty?  It’s a pressure I think I must put on myself, because I don’t know of anyone who has made any negative comments.  Curious people have asked why I hired a nanny, but no one was being malicious or patronizing.

    If I can just get to the root . . . then I could hack away at the untruths and get some peace about this.

    So, any ideas where to go?  Little cold this time of year for camping.  =)

  • 29Dec

    DATE:

    No, Andrew wasn’t my date.  =)  My Mom was smarter than that.  =)  She decided to separate us which meant that my brother was my mother’s date, and I was my father’s date.  It really was lots of fun.  We went out to Chinese, goofed off, teased my Dad, had some good conversation, saw a movie (and ALL the credits),  =) and just had a nice relaxing evening.  The kids spent the night elsewhere so there was no pressure to get home.  And then when I did get home I could meander my way to bed as I pleased.  Lovely!!

    CHRISTMAS:

    Christmas went well.  I had my holiday slump over Thanksgiving and so was in a much better mood for Christmas.  We had family over the day before Christmas and just had hoagies (subs) for lunch and opened some presents after that. 

    Christmas day had its ups and downs.  My parents (and brother) came up again in the morning and watched the kids open the rest of their gifts.  We had a treasure hunt for baby Jesus (for our manger scene), played a while, made cookie cut-out PB & J for lunch, had a tea party with the girl’s new dishes, made some “Thank You” cards, took some naps, cleaned up a bit, and then headed down to Nana’s to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

    Josiah (7) got a tool box and a birdhouse kit for Christmas.  He’s been the one asking for a new daddy that does construction ’cause he (J) wants to help him.  He was so excited and wanted to put it together right away.  I just couldn’t figure out how to squeeze in the time to help him do that.  I knew that a Daddy was needed.  So I asked for a volunteer, . . .  Now the birdhouse has it’s first coat of paint and waiting for the second and Josiah has declared that it’s his best Christmas present.  I think what made it so special was the “putting together” part with a “daddy.”  (Thank you, Daddy!)

    Benjamin (8) got a computer game (Worms2).  This was a game that he played with his Dad and he even remembers beating Dan once.  I remember it, too, ’cause Dan was almost offended at the idea of being beaten by a 6  yr old (I’m sure he played easy, tho).  Our previous game got broken and Benjamin has been trying to save up money (a quarter at a time usually) so that he could buy another one.  He was quite thrilled to get one as a present. (Thank you, Glenda!)

    Abigail(6) got a china tea set that she is struggling to remember to keep out of the reach of her younger brothers.  I’m actually hoping it will teach her some responsibility.  We had great fun using the tiny tea pot and cups with some little shortbread cookies at our tea party.

    Hadassah (5) also got some kitchen tools, cups, plates, cookie cutters, silverware, and such.  It was her cookie cutters that made our “special” sandwiches for lunch.

    Maranatha (4) got some more play dough which is a favorite of hers, as well as another stuffed beanie baby with a tag (the tag being the best part).

    Payden (3) got a barn and some animals to play with and the playroom hasn’t looked the same since.  Animals, animals everywhere . . .

    Caleb (2) got a Noah’s Ark with more animals and has really enjoyed playing with that with his brother, but his cars still win out.  And with his little quilt made especially for him he can still sit and play with his cars for hours.

    And once again many people have helped to make this Christmas something to remember with happy thoughts, rather than sad ones.  Before Dan died I had no idea how Christmas could be sad.  Friends and loved ones have joined together to remind us that we are not alone and not forgotten and we are thankful for each one of you.  Thank you for the gifts you sent our way, the pictures and cards, the notes and letters  . . . each one has served as a reminder of God’s love and faithfulness to us.

    CHRISTMAS LETTER:

    I feel quite guilty about this one.  I had great plans to get our family photo printed (we got a really good one this summer) and get letters sent out to all of you with an update . . . It just never happened and it never quite made it to the top of the priority list.  Then when I finally did get around to it . . . well, I seem to have lost my copy of our pictures . . .  I’m still hoping to get some of those sent out, but it might be Easter before you all see them.  Maybe I’ll start a new tradition of ”Belated Christmas Cards.”  Who knows! It could be a seller!

  • 27Dec

    A friend with 6 children got hit with the flu.  This was the result.

    To the tune of “What Child is This?” by Sheri Reimer

    “What child is this now vomiting, on bedding and on everything?

    While two more bend over the commode and I run to and fro?

    This, this was quite a sight.  The clean up took me half the night.

    This, this was quite a sight, the stomach virus blight.”

    Following in the footsteps of my fellow musician, I have created a second verse.

    “What child is this that is so sick? Oh dear, which one do I pick?

    Help! There’s buckets all over the floor, uh oh! I need one more.

    This, this is such a sight.  I’ve done laundry half the night.

    This, this is such a sight, the stomach virus blight.”

    But we were both blessed in that it didn’t hit us over Christmas!  She got hit before and I got hit the day after.

     

     

     

  • 14Dec

    My children have been taken over by aliens!!

    My girls came up to me today and said, “Mommy, we want some new chores.”  And then when I did think of a “new chore” that they could do I got a very polite “Thank you, Mommy” in return.  When was the last time you heard a child thank their mother for giving them chores????

    That in and of itself is scary, but then they voluntarily cleaned up their bathroom, sorted socks in the hallway (and even cleaned up after themselves there), and currently they are coloring very nicely in the library with their younger brother!!!

    I think I like aliens.  =)  I wonder if I can have these particular aliens permanently.

  • 22Oct

    It has been a looooong week.  Several parties, a body that is still adjusting to Not being pregnant, doctor’s visits, over-nighter, school work, company, . . . .  and underlying all of that is the awareness that next week is our 2 year anniversary of Dan’s home-going.

    I miss his big ideas, his talking me to sleep at night, grouching at him to get off the computer and spend some time with his other wife, his hugs, his comments on my clothes, his input on the kid’s training, his assistance with the kid’s training . . .  I miss being a part of a whole.

    Apparently I’m not the only one that is missing  him, or a Daddy in general.  Imaginations have been running wild here lately about what our ‘new daddy’ will be like and all the things a Daddy will do with them.  I need to remind them that Daddy’s usually have to work and that a daddy probably won’t be around as much as they think he would or should be.  That’s part of the problem with imaginations . . they have little to do with reality.

  • 15Oct

    Benjamin (8) told me tonight that he wants two Daddy’s.  He knows Jesus is his Daddy, but he wants another one. 

    I wish I could get him one for his birthday.

    I’ve missed him too, these last couple of days.

    “What do we call a ‘daddy’ when we adopt him?”  he also wanted to know.

    I was amused at the idea of adopting a Daddy, vs. a Daddy adopting the kids.

    I’m just waiting for the day one of my kids walks up to someone and asks them if they will be their new Daddy.  I’m trying to come up with an alternate reaction to blushing profusely and trying to disappear into the woodwork.

     

    Maranatha (3 going on 4 next week) made me laugh today.  She was the last one at the table for breakfast this morning.  I was in the school room when she pipes up and says, “I’m eating too much sugar on my waffle because I want to be ‘wild’ today.”  =) =)

    I love my kids!  =)

  • 24Sep

    Yeah!!!  We finally got my sunflower up! 

    My dining room/kitchen/playroom/schoolroom area is all open and with seven children it often echoes quite a bit in there.  So we schemed and designed and came up with a “rug” to put on the ceiling to help with the noise level.  The center is latch hook and was actually the longest part of the project.  And the petals are made from some material that Dan rescued from a job and stuffed just like a pillow.  Then my Dad stapled it all together on plywood and luan and we screwed it to the ceiling.  

    Do you think we should use a big green rope to make a stem come down the wall and maybe paint a big leaf on the wall?  =)

     

    My Sunflower

     

    Another Angle

    Thanks Judy and Mom and Dad for your help!  And everyone else who pitched in to help with the latch hook, the scheming, and design.

  • 07Sep

    Picture your biggest problem (or even a little one).  It’s something you worry about, something you don’t know how to fix.  Maybe it’s even something that you know you can’t fix.  There is nothing you can do to make the problem get better or even go away.

    Now picture taking that problem to someone who can take care of it.

    Example: I NEED a hole dug for a tree.  If I don’t get the tree planted it will die.  I have a shovel and seven children to watch.  #1.  I don’t have the time to dig a large hole.  #2. Everything around here is rock, so even if I had the time a shovel wouldn’t get me very far.  #3.  I don’t have the dirt to help the tree to grow.  Sounds like something of an insurmountable problem, huh.  Now I take that problem to someone I know can take care of it.  Somewhere I have a friend who owns a farm.  On that farm he has a big tractor that can dig me a hole, he has a free Saturday coming up, and he’s got lots of manure that he’s more than willing to get rid of .

    Let me remind you that this is an example!!

    Imagine the relief that comes from knowing that my problem has a solution and it will be taken care of for me. 

     

    That is where I am tonight.  I’ve been aware of a problem.  I am one person, trying to care for the needs of seven people.  (Even teachers use a 5 to 1 ratio in the classroom and they get to send them all home!  The difficulties at least double when those seven people can’t even take care of themselves.)  After the loss of my nanny last year we settled into something of a routine and I thought we were doing o.k.  Sure, some things were slipping, but I figured I just needed some more time to get into the groove.  If God gave me seven children then surely He expects me to be able to care for them, right? 

    Then we had a volunteer help for a month and I realized just how much was slipping.  My kids notice it too.  Chores aren’t getting done, follow through isn’t happening, attitudes are getting lazy, training is minimal, . . . etc.  Tonight my Dad suggested to me that we need to go back to having a helper in the house.  We don’t really know how we can do it, but the need is there.  We discussed a couple of workable options and while we don’t have a solution just yet, I can feel the pressure releasing.  God will make a way.  I think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.