• 28Oct

    Such an array of emotions and thoughts flood my mind tonight.  Tomorrow it will be three years since my life got turned upside down.

    I look back over those years with awe, pain, sorrow, sadness, relief, contentment and joy. 

    There is the awe as I look at the way neighbors, family, friends, friends of friends, and even complete strangers chipped in to help this grief stricken family.  We had so much help and support that it is hard for me to grasp just what a needy situation we really were in.  In a lot of cases we had help before we even knew we needed it.  It is amazing to see God’s family working together the way He intended it to.  I can’t wait to see what our relationships will be like when we get to Heaven.

    There is pain as I remember again those agonizing days in the hospital and the weeks following when getting out of bed to face the day was a struggle of monumental proportions.  I can remember the agony so great and so consuming that my knees would literally buckle and I would sink to the floor clutching my heart trying vainly to somehow pull all the pieces back together.

    There is the sorrow as I think of all the milestones of which Dan has had no part.  The birth of Caleb(2), Payden’s(3) first steps, Maranatha’s(5) first words, Hadassah’s(6) first day of school, Abigail (7) losing her first tooth, Josiah(8) shooting a bow and arrow, Benjamin (9) catching a fish, etc.  

    There is sadness as I think of the future of my children and I see their loss.  Their Daddy will miss their wedding day, their graduations from high school maybe college.  He won’t be there to help them learn to drive, to mentor them, to help them get their first job.  Caleb (2) never even met his Daddy.

    There is relief as I realize that we have made it this far, the worst is over.  There is relief in knowing that God is faithful and He’s proven over and over again that He is quite capable of taking care of us.  My foundation is secure, my hope is eternal, and my future is in His hands.

    There is contentment in knowing that I am right where God wants me to be.  I have chosen to believe that no matter the choices we made leading up to the surgery, God was leading and directing and He was the one who has put me on this path and He is the one who will continue to guide me and care for me.  I am content to follow Him.

    And there is joy as I realize the growth in myself and my children as a result of our heartache.  My compassion for those around me who are struggling has grown so much that I find it necessary to rein myself in lest I play God and try to fix everything possible (good thing God didn’t give me much to work with).  My children’s sensitivity to others who have suffered a loss and to those who are in need of a Savior is convicting.  And tonight Josiah (8) reminded me that we have been blessed by the mercies of God, which he informed me was “stuff we didn’t deserve.”  Their trust that God will bring them a new Daddy, their lack of bitterness and only minor struggles with anger, their sensitivity of spirit and softness of heart cause me to hope that they will survive this experience and be the better for it.  With God all things are possible.

    So, how are we doing?  I would say we are growing and are a living testimony that God’s grace is sufficient.  God is faithful, He has brought us this far.  We have a new “normal” now.  The bad days are rare.  And tonight when our devotional book asked us to choose and pray for a specific request we all agreed that we would like a ‘new daddy.’

6 Comments to Three Years

  • My thoughts and prayers are with you Liisa.

    I was thinking of Dan the other day. I didn’t have time to iron my blouse before work, and threw the suit jacket on that went with the outfit I was wearing to cover up the wrinkles. I remembered that whenever we saw Dan in a suit jacket and it was NOT supper time, he always said it was because he didn’t have time to iron his shirt in the morning.

  • Hello Liisa,

    I too, think of Dan often….we were so close in age, and as youngster had close lives. I have SO many photos of him and I, as well as his sisters….a cousin, I do miss !

    You continued belief, encouragement, and trust in the Lord, are all a Miracle.

    I almost lost my husband, just months after Dan passed….how would I raise ONLY 3 children without their Daddy……you continue to show me how….and I continue to be thankful, for his severe injuries that day, instead of death.

    Yes, the Lord works in mysterious ways. I do hope you all get your wish, prayer, and dream of a “New Daddy”…..I would love to see you all complete again……It would be SO wonderful for all of you !

    Think of you often, and am so glad that you continue to thrive !

    The Lord SHALL be merciful !

    Michelle

  • Sweet Liisa, thank you for sharing with us. I have prayed often for you and your children. I know God will continue to be faithful to you in whatever path He takes you. My prayers continue.

  • Thank you for sharing your heart and testifying of God’s amazing grace, that grace that IS sufficent, even in the worst of times…Praying for you and your little ones!

  • Liisa, I am encouraged by your post. I have thought many of the same things, in the 10 1/2 months since Ken died. I especially agree with you about the decisions you made before surgery being guided by the Lord to perform His will. I also wish for a husband, but I am super cautious about asking God for one, as I saw what happened to my mother after her divorce. It would be better to have no human daddy, than to have one that is insecure and not able to love the children. But since God is putting that request in your children’s minds, it may be from the Lord. Mine have not expressed such a desire. Maybe it is too early for them to think about it. We are still busy putting out the “fires” and have no time to look around to see if there is another “fireman” to work with!

    The body of Christ is a wonderful thing. We really do feel each other’s pain. We don’t have to know exactly what someone is feeling to have compassion and offer our help in some way, especially through prayer. We all imagine what we would feel like if it happened to us (death of spouse, parent or child; getting cancer; having a terrible car accident; losing a job; etc.) and then we pray from the heart. I’m glad God can see our hearts. And I am glad we know God is faithful. He sees the big picture, He has always taken care of us in the past, and He will complete taking care of us. He made us and wants us. It is all so reassuring.

    You are on my daily prayer list. Keep sharing your wonderful posts.

  • Thought of you much on Saturday as it was on my wedding aniversary that you suffered such loss. While I rejoice in the “New Daddy” my son got I pray that you will see this gift for your own precious children. They will survive and you will survive, but just survival is not what I believe God wants for us. He wants the blessings to flow and will fill all the holes when the time is right. We love you and pray for you all often. Auntie Joanne