• 21Nov

    “Hang in there.”

    In my depression and despair my heart cried, “Hang in there till when, till what?  What does my future hold?”   I often feel at a loss as to where to place my hope for the future.  As much as I know it would be good for me to have some future goals and dreams, something to work toward, I find it impossible to think much farther than the next day or week.  What can I say?  I was made to complement a dreamer, not be the dreamer.

    I miss my dreamer.  I miss his hugs, his stimulating conversations, his protection, his presence, his heat, his touch, his love, his enthusiasm, his help . . .  each one of those words creates a picture in my mind and his loss, my loss, makes my heart ache. 

    Do I have the hope of being that fulfilled part of a whole again?  Dare I let myself hope?

    “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me?  Hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”  Ps.43:5

    “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.”  Ps. 31:24

    “Behold, the eye of the LORD is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy;” Ps. 33:18

    “Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word.” Ps. 119:114

    “The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.” Lam 3:24

    Hope in God, hope in the LORD, hope in His mercy, Hope in His Word, Hope in Him . . . I have hope.

    “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jer 29:11

    His thoughts are of peace, mine should be too.

  • 20Nov

    It’s been a rough week.  I’ve had a night or two where I just cried and cried.  I had a morning where I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out of bed I was so depressed.  I have kids who are testing the waters.  And I have been trying to get ready for a school break (not to mention Christmas).

    I think Satan has been attacking us.

    That sounds so dramatic.  I’ve seen people react to a statement like that with disbelief, the raised eyebrow, pride, and avoidance.  Who am I kidding?  I think I’ve reacted like that a time or two myself.  Usually the concept isn’t exactly something I want to face and so I push the thought away with the belief that Satan isn’t really concerned with my family and my petty problems. 

    But Satan is just as concerned with my family and my witness as God is.  And therein lies the real struggle.  If I truly believe that I am of importance to God, that He has His eye on me, that He loves me, and that He has His hand in my life, then Satan, as God’s enemy, would naturally want to do all he could to hurt me and discredit me.

    And if I truly believe in the power of Satan, then maybe that would cause me to cling to my God in a more meaningful way.  I can rest safely in the arms of my God without fear of Satan, but I need to be aware of Satan’s presence and be careful not to ignore his potential.

     Pro 19:23     The fear of the LORD tendeth to life: and he that hath it shall abide satisfied; he shall not be visited with evil.

  • 15Nov

    I got a hug.

    That isn’t exactly unusual.  I get lots of kid’s hugs, family hugs, and lots of the ladies at my church aren’t afraid to give me a friendly hug every now and then.  But this time I got a “man hug.” 

     [Definition by Me: hug given by a male old enough to be married; the process of being comforted, encouraged, or strengthened by a male in the more mature category]

    I used to get at least a dozen of those a day.  Now I’m on rations and each one is special.

     

    There have been several men who have been brave enough to give me a hug since Dan died and I think I remember every single one.  Some hugs were given as a “hello” or “goodbye,” some were given in sympathy, some with enthusiasm, some out of concern, and all were given with godly love.

     

    Many of these men have risked the wrath of girlfriends, fiancés, or wives.  They have bravely hazarded the possibility of gossip and questioning looks.  They have jeopardized their ‘tough man’ image, and they have boldly faced the threat of piles of children demanding ‘I want one too!’

     

    For every man out there who has dared to hug a widow, I just want to say “Thank You!” from the bottom of my heart.  And I just want to encourage any man who dares to read this blog to “hug a widow today.”  They will be eternally grateful.

    (Of course, prudence must be exercised . . . )

    (Oh, and don’t you ladies think your hugs aren’t appreciated, too.  Keep it up!)

  • 04Nov

    A note Benjamin (8) wrote last night   (ps: his teacher is still working with him on his spelling) :

    I love you God and i hope you are halping Daddy.
    and i want you to get us a new Daddy and i dont want hem
    not to do wath we wated.
     

    Translation:

    I love you God and I hope you are helping Daddy.
    And I want you to get us a new Daddy and I don’t want him to do the things we didn’t want him to do (eg. smoke, drink, drugs, beard, fat . . . )

    Today:

    after countless hugs and demonstrations of ‘clingyness’ I pulled him into my lap and asked him what he was looking for, and gave him examples: are you looking for attention, your shoes, a new daddy, a hug . . .

    His reply: 

    I’m looking for love.

     

    Sigh.  I can’t give it to him, or at least not enough. 

    And I warned him tonight that a new daddy won’t be able to fill that hole either.  Only Jesus can fill that hole.  It is obvious to us as a family, due to our circumstances, that there is a hole (I believe everyone has a hole, it just might not be as noticeable) and I realize a little bit more each day that we will never be complete until we reach heaven.

    Lord Jesus, come quickly.