Musings from my delayed “anniversary.”
A year and a half ago I woke up early, quietly got dressed, left my children in the care of their Grandma, and made a fateful trip with my husband. His surgery was scheduled early and we were supposed to be there an hour ahead of time and it was a 45 minute drive. It was a brisk morning, but I don’t remember if I was wearing a coat. I do remember pulling into the hospital parking lot, wondering where to park, making plans for moving the car later if needed, and Dan worrying about me, complaining about how much stuff I had packed into the lap top case and how heavy it was. But the thing that stands out most in my mind was crossing the road that was in front of the hospital entrance where a thought crossed my mind out of the blue, “This could change your life.” I pushed it aside refusing to worry about it, smiled at Dan and said, “You do know I love you, right?” He laughed and pulled me tighter against him and we went in to face the unknown.
Now the unknown is known.
That day definitely did change my life. I went from living in a house that was falling down to a brand new house designed for my use. I went from debt to a savings account. I went from WV to PA. I went from being insignificant to having people from all over the world praying for me. I went from a “normal” family to a dysfunctional one-parent family. I went from wife to widow.
I’ve spent a lot of time today reminiscing about that time in my life. It makes me cry. I didn’t use to know just how much emotional pain could hurt physically, how it affects every aspect of your life, and how it can literally knock you to your knees. But I was also innocent to how God’s grace can uphold you, how His love can sustain you, and how His loving arms can surround you. I’ve lost a way of life that money can’t buy, or fix, or replace, but I hope I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for who my God and Savior is and what He wants to be in my life.
Today as depression and loneliness eat at me I’m not sure I can say it was worth the cost, but I know that it will be in the end. I know that God is the Alpha and Omega and that He is in control of my beginning and my end. If I can use that stubborn streak that He blessed me with, pull myself together and force myself to continue to trust Him even during the rough times, then I know that He will work it all together for good. My future is in His hands.