Remembering Dan

• Tearing Down Walls

  27Jun
  Categories: Grieving, Musings, Remembering Dan Comments: 4

  Made it through Father’s Day with hardly a blink, but today we stand up to sing the Doxology in church and I bite my lip.  That’s a college memory and anything ‘college’ reminds me of Dan.  It’s not difficult to stay calm and I congratulate myself on my control.  A few more announcements, the kids sing a special and I grin thinking that Dan would have been chuckling right along with me at our kid’s antics.  Then they ask us to take our hymn books and sing “Nothing But the Blood”.  So much for my control.  The tears are sliding down my cheeks now.  I can clearly remember Dan teaching the kids how to sing that song and for some reason that memory hurts today.  The sermon hurts too.  I’ve been building a wall, putting up defenses to protect myself from pain.  I’ve been telling the Lord He’s not good enough and I’ll just protect myself.  I’ve been hiding behind my puny little wall and consequently missing out on so much.  I’m hardly a shining example of trust and faith at the moment.  Why would the world want a God that I can’t trust?  I’m sorry, Lord.  Do you think you could help me tear down this wall?

• Later?

  25Jun
  Categories: Musings, Single Parenting Comments Off on Later?

  We went to WV over Father’s Day.  Incredibly busy so hardly even noticed.  Blueberries, doctor’s visits, dentist, eye doctor, Bible School, cleaning, books, potty training Payden (he went potty for the first time yesterday-Thursday-and second, third, and fourth. All #2. . . like he was saving it up and just doing little bits at a time so he could get more treats =D), movies, yard sale, Judy (came in from MI to help for the month of July), shopping, bills, projects . . .

  All that to say that I seem to be keeping myself busy and avoiding any kind of thinking, meditating, grieving, and even contemplation of things Biblical.  I’ve got to get a hold of myself.  Maybe later? . . . .

• The Unknown is Known

  15Jun
  Categories: Grieving, Remembering Dan Comments: 4

  Musings from my delayed “anniversary.”

   

  A year and a half ago I woke up early, quietly got dressed, left my children in the care of their Grandma, and made a fateful trip with my husband.  His surgery was scheduled early and we were supposed to be there an hour ahead of time and it was a 45 minute drive.  It was a brisk morning, but I don’t remember if I was wearing a coat.  I do remember pulling into the hospital parking lot, wondering where to park, making plans for moving the car later if needed, and Dan worrying about me, complaining about how much stuff I had packed into the lap top case and how heavy it was.  But the thing that stands out most in my mind was crossing the road that was in front of the hospital entrance where a thought crossed my mind out of the blue, “This could change your life.”  I pushed it aside refusing to worry about it, smiled at Dan and said, “You do know I love you, right?”  He laughed and pulled me tighter against him and we went in to face the unknown.

   

  Now the unknown is known. 

  That day definitely did change my life.  I went from living in a house that was falling down to a brand new house designed for my use.  I went from debt to a savings account.  I went from WV to PA.  I went from being insignificant to having people from all over the world praying for me.  I went from a “normal” family to a dysfunctional one-parent family.  I went from wife to widow.

  I’ve spent a lot of time today reminiscing about that time in my life.  It makes me cry.  I didn’t use to know just how much emotional pain could hurt physically, how it affects every aspect of your life, and how it can literally knock you to your knees.  But I was also innocent to how God’s grace can uphold you, how His love can sustain you, and how His loving arms can surround you.  I’ve lost a way of life that money can’t buy, or fix, or replace, but I hope I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for who my God and Savior is and what He wants to be in my life.

   

  Today as depression and loneliness eat at me I’m not sure I can say it was worth the cost, but I know that it will be in the end.  I know that God is the Alpha and Omega and that He is in control of my beginning and my end.  If I can use that stubborn streak that He blessed me with, pull myself together and force myself to continue to trust Him even during the rough times, then I know that He will work it all together for good.  My future is in His hands.

• Sharp Teeth

  14Jun
  Categories: Grieving, Single Parenting Comments: 3

  Loneliness is gnawing with very sharp teeth.

• Translate

  09Jun
  Categories: Grieving Comments: 9

  I was faced with the question again today,  “Single? Married? Divorced?”

  I had just sat down to fill out some paperwork at the dentist office today and I felt a wave hit me.  “Oh Benjamin (7)” I whispered and sucked in a breath.  He was immersed in a book and didn’t even look up.  I forced myself to focus on the papers before me and was doing alright until I hit that question.  Then the tears let loose.  I could feel them making silent tracks down my face and I was glad that we were the only ones in the waiting room.

  What do I say to a question like that?  No, I’m not divorced, although he did leave me.  How can I make the claim that I’m married when there is no one here to be married to?  And Single!!!  How can anyone be single with seven children?!  It’s just not natural.

  I skipped the question and finished filling out the rest of the form.  Then I sat there and stared at the paper and deliberated. 

  • Defiance reared it’s head and tempted me to just mark “Married”; I could just pretend that he’ll be back someday. 
  • Lately I’ve been feeling just how “Single” I am, but today I just couldn’t quite face that.  Besides, what kind of a woman is single (and not divorced) with seven children?  Makes me sound like a total floozy!! 
  • Finally I just added another category, “Widowed”. 

  They can translate that however they want.

• It’s Funny

  02Jun
  Categories: Musings Comments: 5

  It’s funny how a gentleman assisting with getting children in and out of a vehicle can just soften me right up.  Thanks so much, Brandon.  You are on my “favorites” list.  =)

  It’s funny how someone volunteering to pay for a meal at a nice restaraunt and helping to get the kids all fed so that I’m not spending more time jumping up and down than I am eating can make me feel loved and cared for.  Thanks Cindy.  I love eating warm food.  You are on my “favorites” list, too.  =)

  It’s funny how an invitation for dinner when I’m feeling exhausted and an asprin and a shove toward the couch can relax me.  Not to mention keeping the kids occupied, cleaning up from their meal, inviting us to go along to the museum in the first place, etc., etc.,  Thanks Jamie.  I’m glad I live this close to you.  You are on my “favorites” list, too.  =)

  It’s funny how a cheery face greeting me after they have spent several hours with my babies makes me want to smile and think that I must be doing o.k. as a mother since my kids haven’t terrorized the babysitter enough that that she never wants to do it again.  Thanks Joanne.  Really don’t know how we would have made it through all this without you and your husband’s help.  You are definitely on my favorite’s list, too.

  It’s funny how a group of children with a desire to serve and some laughs and some words of encouragement can give me enough energy to give all my children baths and still have a bit of energy left over for reading a bedtime story.  Thank you Stony Run.  If I knew all your names I would add you to my favorites list, too. 

  Ahhh, but the Lord knows what each and every one of you have done for me today, and He is happy.  My Bible says that He will bless those who help the widows and the orphans.

  Thank you all for your help this fine day.  God Bless.