Song: I could have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance.
Thought: The dance made it worthwhile? But what if I can’t remember the dance anymore? So much of Dan has been relegated to the past and like all things in the past the edges blur, pieces are missing, and the worst part is that he just isn’t a part of my daily life. So, all I’m left with is the pain and some blurred memories that get more and more distant.
Praise the Lord the song is wrong. Yeah, the dance was wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for anything, but that’s not what makes it all worthwhile.
Payden (2) kissed me the other night. I’ve been cuddling him for a minute or two before he goes to sleep and then I give him a big kiss before I leave the room. The other night he turned to me, put his little hands on my face, puckered up and gave me the sweetest kiss I’ve had since Dan died. He was so cute. Then he giggled like he thought he was hot stuff.
We went to a basketball game last night. It was a “Just for Fun” game and they let a bunch of the little kids play a mini game at half time. Benjamin (7) did well; Josiah (6) wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but he kept trying; Abigail (5) just stood there confused until a basketball hit her on the head. =) It was fun to watch and they did really well considering they’ve never “played” a game before.
So, I guess you could say that in one sense the kids make it all worth while, but if I didn’t have any kids would it still have been worth it? And I still would have to say yes.
Dan expanded my world to such an extent that I can’t even begin to touch on all the ways he has changed my life. The world is bigger. I know many wonderful people now that I never would have met without Dan. I am so much more aware of politics, environmental hogwash, world news, and the mechanics of cars, computers, and, engines to name a few. Our relationship with each other (and the kids) made me much more aware of the variety of people, their characteristics, and their personalities.
I would not be who I am today if it were not for Dan. And since I happen to like who I am I would have to say that Dan was good for me.
And the icing on the cake would have to be my spiritual walk. Living that close to anyone will either improve or ruin your relationships. I like to think that living that close to Dan helped me in my walk with the Lord. And if living with him didn’t do it, than living without him is definitely a push in the right direction.
So, the conclusion is still that it’s worth it. I just have to remind myself of that on days like this when it hurts so much I can’t stop crying.