• 25Jan

    I know the Bible says that we are to meditate on the Scriptures day and night . . . I’m having a problem.  I can read a verse in the morning, apply it to my life, and think, “that is so neat!  I need to meditate on that today.”  But within half an hour I can’t even remember the concept much less the verse.  There are so many things bombarding me at any given point throughout the day that remembering things almost requires more work than my laundry room.

    I do better when I write things down, but then I have little notes all over everywhere and they are never where they need to be when I need to read them.  Or I have a note here and a note there, but I forgot about the note over there and so I’m missing part of the information needed for that decision . . . and I’m sure you get the gist.  I’m thinking I need to get a ‘brain’ like my Dad’s.  He’s got a PDA he takes with him EVERYWHERE.  We tease him about losing his brain if his PDA is too far away, but I’m beginning to think that having a brain on the outside of my head could actually be useful since the brain on the inside of my head seems to be having some trouble functioning.

    No comments from the peanut gallery please.  =)  I’m sick again and tired.  I have an excuse.  =)

  • 19Jan

    Another stage.

    I find myself amazed at the intensity of this particular feeling.  I’m not a social bug by any stretch of the imagination.  I can get all hyped up, be the life of the party, and have a great time doing it, but it only lasts for a couple hours.  Then I’m exhausted.  (I can spend long stretches with people if intense emotion isn’t involved.)

    I have a loner streak that I’m quite comfortable with.  I’ve gone weeks with my only social interaction being who I see as I round up the kids on our way to and from church (and the occasional conversation between services).  But lately . . .

    I feel like I haven’t met anyone new or stretched my conversation skills since, I don’t know, . . last August?  Going shopping doesn’t cut it.  Guess it’s time to try something new. 

    Oh Dan.  Why don’t you talk to me?  I haven’t had a good discussion on politics, public schools, engineering, space, or the latest invention in . .  forever.  I knew we would have problems when you quit talking to me.

  • 16Jan

    Had another disturbing phone call the other day.  Just a reminder of my loss and a smack of reality.  It’s easier when I just pretend that it never happened.  Somehow all these kids just appeared out of thin air and my life consists of only the present.  I don’t understand why people wouldn’t want there to be a ‘Creator’ that they can dump all their problems on and just keep going.  Why would you want to carry everything yourself?  If I have to do all the cleaning . . yeah, it gets done to my specifications, but think of all the fun I could be having instead if I let the kids help get the work done (or hire someone =)


    Another reality smack occurred when I stood on our front porch and waved goodbye to my boys as they headed off for their ‘first’ day of work.  They are getting older.  They aren’t babies any more, and if I’m smart I’ll learn how to let go before they ask.  Sigh.

  • 10Jan

    Heard a couple of messages today on parenting.

    If Dan were here we would be having an intense conversation right now (probably while I scoured the kitchen) on our goals for our kids, how we want to raise them, where we want them to be in 20 years, etc. with all kinds of rabbit trails thrown in just to keep things interesting.  I can feel the passion inside just itching to be verbalized.  Unfortunately I’m not real comfortable talking to my teddy bears.  Might be good practice, though.

    Anyway, rather than ignoring it all and trying (emphasis on trying) to sleep I’m going to write.  Usually when I write it tends to be more cohesive and easier to understand, so this could be an improvement.

    The first message I heard was encouraging us as parents to have faith in God and let go of our children.  So far, so good.  I could use a little ‘letting go’ about now.  =)  We all got sick this weekend and I think the kids are getting tired of playing with each other, but Mom’s not willing to let them go out and contaminate other children.  

    The second message reminded me that “. . all things work together for good. . to them who are the called according to his purpose. . .to be conformed to the image of His Son . . .” and continued to explain that our purpose was to be more like God.  All that “good stuff” is good because it makes us more like Christ.  We may look at our circumstances and say, “How in the world could this be ‘good’?!”  But if our circumstances draw us closer to Christ and make us more like Him, then how can they be bad?

    But what really got me going was the need for parents to have goals for their children.  I was aware of that.  I even knew that having goals that we agreed on created a unity in our marriage relationship as well as our parenting techniques.  What I am now realizing is that Dan and I never had to verbalize our goals.  I’m not even sure I would know how or where to start in verbalizing what I want for my children.

    How do I communicate to someone what my goals are for my children so that we can work from the same page if I’m not really sure what those goals are?

    And the thought comes nudging, “Don’t look for the perfect mate, Be the perfect mate.”  Somehow I think Pastor Schettler said it better than that.  And I’m also reminded not to run ahead of God.  So smack, bang, tamp, tamp, smush down that excitement and PLEASE wait for God’s timing.  You know things always work better His way.

    So with all that said, I think I will have to try to write up a list of goals for my kids and put it somewhere safe.

  • 06Jan
    Categories: Grieving Comments: 4

    Dan would have been 33 today. So many jokes we tossed back and forth about that age.  Instead we celebrated Caleb’s first birthday. 

    We had cake and milk for breakfast.  His siblings helped him blow out his candle.  Benjamin gave him the candle (so he could lick the icing off of it) and he put the wrong end in his mouth.  He wasn’t much impressed with the taste.  =)  He had fun with the cake though. 

    I couldn’t eat breakfast.  I didn’t even stick around to watch Caleb eat his breakfast.  The day didn’t improve much.  I was grouchy with the kids, couldn’t get a nap because the older ones were being totally stubborn about school!, and Maranatha finished off the day on a high note by throwing up all over the library floor. 

    Hope survives.  Tomorrow is another day.  God loves me.  My kids still love me.  And we survived another hurdle in the grieving process. 


  • 05Jan

    I’m having a hard time tearing myself away.  My creative juices have been stirring this past week and tonight Benjamin and I went and picked out the last bit of material needed for his Danny quilt.  My Mommom already put together a whole bunch of patches for us, we just needed the backing and a few pieces to tie the whole thing together and make it big enough.  I don’t know that I would have picked the pieces that Benjamin did, but hey! It’s his quilt.  I think with some arranging and a few appliqué’s thrown in here and there I might be able to make it work.  I want to do something different with the edging too.  I will have to wait till I have it pieced together before I can test my theories on that, though.  I tried my first appliqué tonight.  It was lousy, of course.  I don’t know if I can get the hang of it or not.  I should practice somewhere other than Benjamin’s quilt.  =) 

  • 01Jan

    If someone had even hinted today that their job was more demanding than being a mother I would have laughed myself silly!!

    Someone has said that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t challenging enough.

    That someone hasn’t tried to change three diapers, clean up half a bottle of baby powder while keeping the baby out of it, and put breakfast on the table, all at the same time.

    Someone has said that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t interesting.

    That someone hasn’t mopped up 6 gallons of water off her kitchen floor, mixed in with half a box of cereal, and another half a box of dry milk while trying to explain to her child the differences between his responsibilities and his siblings responsibilities.

    Someone has said that being a stay-at-home mom means you aren’t very smart.

    That someone hasn’t been faced with the many varied learning experiences that children put you through, such as what pull-ups are made out of (run it through the washer . . you’ll find out), whether or not hand lotion is formulated with a cleaning agent (rub it on a wall), how work requires force (self-explanatory I think), etc.  (we didn’t do the hand lotion today.  that was another day.)

    Someone has also said that being a stay-at-home mom wasn’t worth it.

    That someone hasn’t cuddled on the couch with their children, or heard their ‘thank you’s’, or watched them learn how to walk, or listened to them telling someone else how they want to be “just like mommy”, and so on.

    Praise the Lord for nap time when all of us can pause our day and refocus!!  Not to mention clean up!