I find myself extremely sensitive to the mention of Heaven lately.
Sensitive is the wrong word since it hardly conveys the extreme anger that has been boiling up inside me.
I remember anger like this from my high school days. The only way I could describe it then was “blackness, an overpowering, empty blackness.” This is a bit different in that the blackness seems to be boiling, swirling around inside, threatening to explode. I spent a large portion of my Sunday struggling to control the emotions that were bursting at the seams. I couldn’t even sit through the church service. Instead I spent my time, pacing, crying, writing . . .
I’ve been doing some subconscious hiding, I think. Rather than facing things head on and using the grace that God is so willing to give for that situation I’ve been storing things away to deal with later . . when God’s grace isn’t available? Not that He deserts me, but rather I desert Him.
You know, why can’t we just make a decision (emotionally) and then just not ever have to make that decision again?! ‘Course if we made a bad decision we wouldn’t be able to change it that way . . . sigh . . . yes, Lord. Who am I to question your plans. Of course your way is best. Do you have to be right all the time? Silly question to ask a perfect being, I guess. Sigh. So when can I be perfect like you? imagine childish voices– ” I want to be just like you, Daddy!!”
This is getting a bit mixed up.
Anyway, after a day or two of that awful emotional battle I was, of course, quite drained. I still don’t much care for the mention of Heaven (my focus is off and I’m trying to change that), but at least it’s not making me spit nails any more. I’m jealous. Figures. Never really was much jealous of a girl when it came to Dan . . . a computer, yes, but other girls . . nope. Now I’m jealous of a place and there really isn’t anything I can do about it at this point.
So, for those of you who are praying, please pray for a right focus, my relationship with my Lord (and His home), sleep, and some control.