I’ve been given a gift, or at least I think it’s a gift. Like most things in this world I think it has it’s good side and it’s bad side.
I think I’ve been given the gift of looking forward. It pulls me through the rough days, gives me excitement during the lighter days, and keeps me from focusing on possible regrets and “what if’s”.
Just what am I blabbering about, huh?
I looked out the window this morning and saw our little memorial garden where we placed Dan’s ashes and I paused for a bit of reflection. Before I knew it, my mind was wandering to the bulbs I didn’t get planted yet, the load of mulch I still wanted to put on it, the expansion I want to do next year, etc. I realized that this kind of thought process has become something of a pattern. Sometimes I have to force myself to continue reflecting on the things in the past so that I can allow the emotions to break free.
Maybe it’s part of a habit I picked up in the teen years that helped me get myself motivated in the mornings . . . whatever the case may be, it has helped me to face my future one day at a time. I feel the sorrow and regret building and what I really want to do is go back to bed and stay there for a day or two, but duty calls and it’s not going to go away.
I think of Jonah. He was called to Ninevah. He put it off. His responsibility was still there when he got back from his vacation in the big fish, the only difference now was that he now had this huge task to do while smelling like the inside of a stinky fish. Somtimes my days are like that. I put off getting out of bed as long as possible and then when I do, my presence is required immediately downstairs and I have to get through my day (without my shower=) and it starts off on the wrong foot (like with cereal spread all over the kitchen floor, milk mixed in and trampled everywhere, and kids demanding instant attention as they are “starving!”).
I suppose some would fear that I’m not getting enough time to grieve properly because of the constant demands on my time, but those demands are also helping to keep me from sinking too far into depression. And I’m still working on the grieving thing. As long as I don’t bury it, cover it up, and refuse to face it I think I’m headed in the right direction.