We have snow!! I think we are setting a record around here. I can’t remember the last time we had snow in October. Just about blew my theories on global warming. =) I heard that they were calling for snow, but I didn’t even bother telling the kids, figuring it was all a bunch of hogwash. Then I saw flakes and I thought, “Huh! That’s cool. But it will never stick.” And then, wouldn’t you know it, IT STUCK!! We have at least two inches of wet, dense snow and it’s still snowing!! Doesn’t do much for my idea of gardening the last week of October, but I’m sure we will think of something.
The kids, of course, were dying to get out in it as soon as possible. And then once they were out for about five minutes they were pretty much ready to get back inside (except the older boys; they were a little more used to the idea of playing in the cold). Payden (soon 2) kept pointing at the window, telling me I had to ‘Look!’, but once we got him all dressed to go outside he looked almost scared of the stuff. He wandered around in it for a bit, but was more than happy to go back inside. He watched the older ones a little and then went out again, but still wasn’t quite sure what all the fuss was about. ‘Course he did refuse to wear gloves, so he didn’t last long.
Me, I look out the window and see the beauty of the snow, how it hides all the darkness and flaws, the way it turns the world into a quiet fairyland, and I feel myself getting quieter and sadder. The kids have kept me moving, but once they are settled in their beds my world slows down a bit. I can feel some of the exhaustion creeping in and the depression that keeps trying to wiggle it’s way into my life. This really is a rough month.
The realization that it’s been a year . . . I’ve lost that year. Things that happened with Dan all happened “just recently,” “a month or so ago”, etc. It makes it all a little easier to see how the Bible can say “A day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as but a day.” Without the mark of time the days would just all flow together and the realization of time lost and the pain that goes with that would be non-existent. (That sentence reminds me of some really strange discussions on ‘time’.)
I think of a teenager who must wait one more year before they can drive. That year seems like forever. To them it’s a huge chunk of their lifetime. To someone who has put in 60-70 years on this earth a year is a lot less daunting. And so I try to comfort myself with the thought that in eternity, this last year will seem like a mere minute and before I know it, time itself will also be non-existent to me. And in that place of timelessness there will be no pain of separation with my loved one. Sometimes I get so caught up in the pain of separation now that I forget to look ahead to the reuniting that we will have then. There is hope.