• 08Oct
    Categories: Grieving Comments: 7

    It’s October again.

    I’ve spent the last couple of days crying sporadically and last night I was knocked to my knees again with the pain.  I can’t even write this without crying. 

    And to make things just a bit more difficult, I’m struggling with my job as a mother.  I’ve always felt reasonably confident in my abilities.  Yeah, I’m not perfect, but no one is, so why sweat that.  There are days when I could do better, but that is part of being human.  As long as I keep pulling myself back together and trying again, I figure I’m doing the best I can (with God’s help, of course).  But lately my confidence level has hit an all-time low and I’m not sure how to handle it.  It’s an extremely vulnerable feeling.

    I started our wood stove yesterday.  That wood stove holds tons of memories right there, so that was a kick in the gut.  But when it started smoking (we were burning off the new pipe–the paint, dust, and newness) and the smoke alarms kept going off, I was struck by a unusual feeling of helplessness.  

    This is the girl that helped to build a house!  I helped with the spray-in insulation, the wiring, a little bit of the plumbing, drywall, painting, (not to mention designing), etc.  I’m confortable with breaker boxes, changing out water heaters,  installing light fixtures, hammers, staple guns, chop saws, blah, blah, blah.  I’m familiar with wood stoves, I’ve used this particular stove for more than two years, and I’m falling apart because of a little smoke?!!

    When my confidence in self fails then I am reminded of where my true confidence originates.  With God all things are possible.  I feel weak and hopeless, but my God is my hope and strength.  Ahh . . those feel like empty words right now . . . repeat, repeat, repeat, till they burn themselves into my soul.

    Another choice.          Believe the emotions      or       the facts that I know to be true.

7 Comments to Confidence Levels — Zero

  • Ah, the Fall blues. It is a hard time for some as the summer sun starts to sleep longer and the blue skies become more gray. Just remember that God has seen you through this past year and you have done well, so cry but don’t get stuck there. You have almost made it to the end of the first year without memories. That is the hardest and then come the new memories. You have just three weeks to go and all the firsts will be over. Familiar things help and soon you will begin the familiar steps and the pain will ease. That last day of your year of firsts you will be in our prayers extra specially. We can’t forget as that will be the day of our third wedding aniversary. So know that you will be at the top of our thoughts every year on that day as we will always remember our second aniversary and how it started a new chapter of life for all of us, but especially for you and your little ones. So know that as we rejoice we will pray that you and yours will also find reasons to rejoice. We love you and pray for you often.

  • October memories, how they fill our minds each day… But God is there to pick us up and encourage us in the midst of our struggles. I remember January, 1965 — life would never be the same again. How could I help five children into maturity by myself — no, with the Lord’s help. Yes, there were struggles — but God!!!
    And friends prayed, and came along side, and one by one those five “grew up”. Only by the grace of God — through many trials, but look at them today!! God has been good to bring order out of chaos.

    I pray for you, Liisa, that you can lay your burden down on the strongest shoulders in the world — and believe that God will help you step by step.

    With love and prayers – especially in October. Gramma Margaret.

  • Gramma,
    Thank you for sharing. It’s good to hear from you how it was hard, but also to see your belief and confidence in God’s sufficient grace.

  • Liisa,

    You are in my thoughts and prayers often lately. Lynn has left for boot camp, and I am doing the “single mother” thing. Whew, this is so HARD. I admire you so much. On the days when I think I just can’t go on, and missing Lynn seems unbearable, God brings you to mind, and I remember how much harder it is for you. I stop in my tracks and say a prayer for you and the kids. We miss you and love you guys so much. Know that we are praying for you and the kids, and think of you guys often.

    Love, Kelly