• 29Oct
    Categories: Grieving Comments: 2

    I got mail!?  Surely it must be a holiday?  Doesn’t the post office know that everything stops when someone dies? 

    I’m so glad they don’t know that.  Thank you to all who remembered us, prayed, mailed cards, sent notes, e-mailed, bought flowers, gave hugs, etc.  You made our week bearable.

  • 27Oct

    The cousins from MI are here and we are having a blast.  I’m so glad we have a big enough house to do this comfortably.  I guess most people would panic at the thought of having 16 children under the age of 8 in their house, but this house was designed with small children in mind.  It’s noisy, but a lot of fun.  There is enough of them that when they are fighting with someone they can just go play with someone else.  The babies even play together.  Most of them have been playing outside in the big puddle we have out back, or playing baseball, or playing on the swingset a local youth group donated.  That helps with the noise level.  We also have cats that the younger ones love to feed and carry around all over everywhere, a basement with some huge chalkboards, some computers for the older ones with some games geared for their level, some school time scheduled in, and of course, a grandma who loves them all and likes to play games with them and read books to them.  Lots of fun!

  • 23Oct

    I must say to all those of you who seem to be in awe of my talents, that projects like this are my sanity check.  It’s not a matter of finding time to play, but rather, “O.K. I’ve had enough.  Mom is going to work on this project for now, you guys go . . . watch a movie or something.”  (The size of my projects must attest to the frequency this is neededSmile.)  I’m sure all of you do that some way or another.  You have to.  And yeah, I’m not always showered and dressed either.  I also tend to do stuff like this after the kids are in bed.  That used to be my “Danny time” and frankly I feel really lost if I don’t have something to do during that time. 

    Sorry to burst your bubble.  I still haven’t made it to “Super Mom” status. Smile

    It sure was nice to hear from all of you, though.  Getting that many comments tells me that you are still reading (although for the life of me I can’t figure out why).  Thanks once again for being an encouragement and for keeping us in your prayers and thoughts.

  • 21Oct

    Pardon my crow of triumph as I gloat over a finished project.  Check it out!!!!!

    Abigail's "Danny Quilt"

    Abigail's "Danny Quilt"

    I’m going to bask in the sense of a task COMPLETED and hope that you will appreciate that.

    Yeah!!!

  • 16Oct

    Just a silly thought that made me smile.

    Background: We long distance dated for several months before getting engaged and then married.  Not liking being apart for that long we tried to plan a few visits.  Most visits ended with a trip to the bus station where Dan would get on the bus and I would wave goodbye and then try to find my way home through my tears.  To me, Greyhound was a symbol of separation.  It didn’t help that two different buses had transmission problems on Dan’s trip from FL to PA for our wedding, causing him to almost miss the wedding.  I told him often that I hated Greyhound.

    Silly Thought:  I think Dan went to heaven in a Greyhound bus.

  • 15Oct

    We have snow!!  I think we are setting a record around here.  I can’t remember the last time we had snow in October.  Just about blew my theories on global warming.  =)  I heard that they were calling for snow, but I didn’t even bother telling the kids, figuring it was all a bunch of hogwash.  Then I saw flakes and I thought, “Huh!  That’s cool.  But it will never stick.”  And then, wouldn’t you know it, IT STUCK!!  We have at least two inches of wet, dense snow and it’s still snowing!!  Doesn’t do much for my idea of gardening the last week of October, but I’m sure we will think of something. 

    The kids, of course, were dying to get out in it as soon as possible.  And then once they were out for about five minutes they were pretty much ready to get back inside (except the older boys; they were a little more used to the idea of playing in the cold).  Payden (soon 2) kept pointing at the window, telling me I had to ‘Look!’, but once we got him all dressed to go outside he looked almost scared of the stuff.  He wandered around in it for a bit, but was more than happy to go back inside.  He watched the older ones a little and then went out again, but still wasn’t quite sure what all the fuss was about. ‘Course he did refuse to wear gloves, so he didn’t last long. 

     

    Me, I look out the window and see the beauty of the snow, how it hides all the darkness and flaws, the way it turns the world into a quiet fairyland, and I feel myself getting quieter and sadder.  The kids have kept me moving, but once they are settled in their beds my world slows down a bit.  I can feel some of the exhaustion creeping in and the depression that keeps trying to wiggle it’s way into my life.  This really is a rough month. 

     

    The realization that it’s been a year . . .    I’ve lost that year.  Things that happened with Dan all happened “just recently,” “a month or so ago”, etc.  It makes it all a little easier to see how the Bible can say “A day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as but a day.”  Without the mark of time the days would just all flow together and the realization of time lost and the pain that goes with that would be non-existent.  (That sentence reminds me of some really strange discussions on ‘time’.)

    I think of a teenager who must wait one more year before they can drive.  That year seems like forever.  To them it’s a huge chunk of their lifetime.  To someone who has put in 60-70 years on this earth a year is a lot less daunting.  And so I try to comfort myself with the thought that in eternity, this last year will seem like a mere minute and before I know it, time itself will also be non-existent to me.  And in that place of timelessness there will be no pain of separation with my loved one.  Sometimes I get so caught up in the pain of separation now that I forget to look ahead to the reuniting that we will have then.  There is hope.

  • 09Oct

    Yeah!!!

    I’ve got the quilting part of Abigail’s (5) “Danny Quilt” done!!!!

    I did most of it last winter during my stay in MI, and just recently got it out again and finished up the last few blocks.  Another accomplishment!!

    I will get the binding done and then try to get some pics out for you all to see.  I’m pleased with the way it looks.

  • 08Oct
    Categories: Grieving Comments: 7

    It’s October again.

    I’ve spent the last couple of days crying sporadically and last night I was knocked to my knees again with the pain.  I can’t even write this without crying. 

    And to make things just a bit more difficult, I’m struggling with my job as a mother.  I’ve always felt reasonably confident in my abilities.  Yeah, I’m not perfect, but no one is, so why sweat that.  There are days when I could do better, but that is part of being human.  As long as I keep pulling myself back together and trying again, I figure I’m doing the best I can (with God’s help, of course).  But lately my confidence level has hit an all-time low and I’m not sure how to handle it.  It’s an extremely vulnerable feeling.

    I started our wood stove yesterday.  That wood stove holds tons of memories right there, so that was a kick in the gut.  But when it started smoking (we were burning off the new pipe–the paint, dust, and newness) and the smoke alarms kept going off, I was struck by a unusual feeling of helplessness.  

    This is the girl that helped to build a house!  I helped with the spray-in insulation, the wiring, a little bit of the plumbing, drywall, painting, (not to mention designing), etc.  I’m confortable with breaker boxes, changing out water heaters,  installing light fixtures, hammers, staple guns, chop saws, blah, blah, blah.  I’m familiar with wood stoves, I’ve used this particular stove for more than two years, and I’m falling apart because of a little smoke?!!

    When my confidence in self fails then I am reminded of where my true confidence originates.  With God all things are possible.  I feel weak and hopeless, but my God is my hope and strength.  Ahh . . those feel like empty words right now . . . repeat, repeat, repeat, till they burn themselves into my soul.

    Another choice.          Believe the emotions      or       the facts that I know to be true.