It’s October again.
I’ve spent the last couple of days crying sporadically and last night I was knocked to my knees again with the pain. I can’t even write this without crying.
And to make things just a bit more difficult, I’m struggling with my job as a mother. I’ve always felt reasonably confident in my abilities. Yeah, I’m not perfect, but no one is, so why sweat that. There are days when I could do better, but that is part of being human. As long as I keep pulling myself back together and trying again, I figure I’m doing the best I can (with God’s help, of course). But lately my confidence level has hit an all-time low and I’m not sure how to handle it. It’s an extremely vulnerable feeling.
I started our wood stove yesterday. That wood stove holds tons of memories right there, so that was a kick in the gut. But when it started smoking (we were burning off the new pipe–the paint, dust, and newness) and the smoke alarms kept going off, I was struck by a unusual feeling of helplessness.
This is the girl that helped to build a house! I helped with the spray-in insulation, the wiring, a little bit of the plumbing, drywall, painting, (not to mention designing), etc. I’m confortable with breaker boxes, changing out water heaters, installing light fixtures, hammers, staple guns, chop saws, blah, blah, blah. I’m familiar with wood stoves, I’ve used this particular stove for more than two years, and I’m falling apart because of a little smoke?!!
When my confidence in self fails then I am reminded of where my true confidence originates. With God all things are possible. I feel weak and hopeless, but my God is my hope and strength. Ahh . . those feel like empty words right now . . . repeat, repeat, repeat, till they burn themselves into my soul.
Another choice. Believe the emotions or the facts that I know to be true.