I feel a little raw tonight. Yesterday I watched a good friend and neighbor coach the boys in learning to ride a bike. Benjamin (7) caught on pretty quickly (as usual). Josiah (6) was a bit more timid (as usual) and finally managed to pull it off tonight. I am grateful for friends who have stepped in to fill some of the hole that Dan has left behind.
That, on top of the First Day of School has kind of hit all of us in varying degrees as we realize anew the loss of Dan. It was a school day when he headed off for surgery. We managed to do school during some of that time in the hospital (thanks to helpers), and continued faithfully in the weeks following. It was a routine that we clung to in a time of chaos. Or at least I did. I think the kids appreciated the normalcy of it all or perhaps will later.
My heart aches. The end of the school day signified the arrival of Daddy. That was when our accomplishments paid off. That was when the pressure abated. That was when creativity abounded. That was when the house came alive. That was when the supper time ritual was more than just putting food in our stomachs.
We are “going back” to the routine we had before this all happened and it makes us feel the loss all over again. And I know it’s not all just me. I haven’t been able to get Benjamin (7) or Josiah (6) near as excited about school this year. And Benjamin gave me such a ‘little man’ look the other night when he figured out how to ride his bike. He was excited, but I think he knew something was missing and I could see his pain. Josiah looked at his school work today and fell apart. It was just too hard and overwhelming.
It really was a good day; there is just this underlying sadness to it all. And here in my room, alone with my computer, I can focus on the sadness, cry, and let loose the pressure, grieve, and find a way to move on. God is good.
A friend and neighbor showed up tonight and mowed our yard; a big task considering we have almost an acre of yard, and a necessary one since I don’t have a lawn mower yet (I’m hoping to get one with some kind of snow blower/plow attachment to play with). I got five loads of laundry done (praise the Lord for my double washers!) and a cake baked. School went smoothly. Caleb (8 mo.) was cooperative. Another neighbor kept an eye on Payden (1) and Maranatha (2) giving me the space I needed to adjust to a new arrangement and get the older ones introduced to the routine. The girls (Abigail (5) and Dassy (4) ) didn’t demand my attention every two minutes which gave me the chance to have some one-on-one time with the boys. Adjustments do need to be made (we had a three hour lunch break =)), but I feel like this is feasible. ‘Course we will see what happens when I get the little ones back.