• 11Jun

    I found our alarm clock today.

    How I wish we had forgotten to set it.  Or maybe we could have had the volume turned so low that we wouldn’t have heard it.  Or even more typical, maybe Dan could have just shut it off in his sleep and neither of us would have woken up till 8.

    If I had it to do all over again . . . sigh.  I probably would do the same thing, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I could have that moment to relive again.  I could hit that snooze, cuddle up close, my head on his arm, feeling the warmth of his chest against my back, his arm warm across my stomach, listen to his even breathing telling me that he probably hadn’t even heard the alarm clock, feel his body curl around me just a little bit tighter as I settle back into him . . .  

    I have my memories.  Now if I could just funnel that longing into a longing for my Lord and Saviour . . .

  • 07Jun
    Categories: Grieving Comments: 2

    I’ve been playing with some thoughts here lately about the grief process.  I think that if someone asked me how to describe the grief process with one word I would have to use the word “Confusion”.  So much of what I am dealing with seems to be confusion.  I’m confused about my new role in my family, confused about what I need to be sharing with the kids, confused about whether or not I want someone to hug me, confused about my purpose in life, . . and the list goes on.

    That really bothers me.  If God is not “the author of confusion”, but He is in control of my life, then why am I in such a state of chaos?  More digging takes me back to the Garden of Eden before there was sin.  Life was perfect, God had created a structured environment without confusion.  But then sin entered the picture and brought confusion along with it. God isn’t the reason that Dan died, sin is, and the confusion and grief that goes with that is a result of sin.

    Pain was given as a defense mechanism by God, but that is physical pain, not emotional.

    So once again I decide to trust the Lord and allow Him to work His will in my life.  That’s good, because I’m going to need Him tomorrow.

  • 07Jun

    The boys (Benjamin-6, Josiah-6) have been talking about Daddy again.  I like knowing what is going through their minds, but sometimes it hurts so bad. 

    Benjamin (6) hasn’t been sleeping real well as evidenced by the circles under his eyes and he keeps trying to tell me that he wants to sleep with me.  I’m not ready to encourage that.  Further digging brought out the fact that he was cold and he wanted to cuddle up next to Daddy and get warm. 

    We also spent some time talking about things we remember about Daddy and Benjamin (6) said that he remember’s seeing Daddy when he was dead.  That is such an awful picture.  I remember that, too with a clarity that makes the tears fall every time. 

    Josiah (6) says he misses his “old Daddy”.  (He’s the one pushing to get a new Daddy.)

    I really missed my Danny, too today.  I opened a set of hair cutting clippers yesterday while digging through boxes and found some of his hair.  The feel of it on my fingers . . .  I should have saved some to put in a scrap book or something.  I can remember jokingly telling Dan that if something happened to him that I would probably still be finding his little hairs all over for a couple of months afterward.  I’m not laughing now.

    Dassy (3) remembers that Daddy liked the skins on his potatoes.  She claims she likes them that way, too, because that’s the way that Daddy liked them, but I have a hard time believing that.  I can remember him making a baked potato at 9:00 at night or something weird like that, because he “was really hungry for a potato”.  He would mash it all up, filling up one of our big plates, put butter on it, salt, and then ask if I wanted any.  I would usually say “probably not”, and then he knew that he shouldn’t put pepper on all of it because I would eat some of it.  It just always looked so good when he sat down next to me to eat it . . .      And then when it came time to make french fries or potato salad (which he liked by the ice cream bucket full) I would insist on helping because I didn’t like the skins and he didn’t like peeling the potatoes.  =)

    I think I’m feeling a little angry with God right now.  Just what exactly does He want me to tell these kids!?  I don’t want to do this alone.  What makes Him think I can handle this anyway?!  And other such rhetorical questions . . 

    Tomorrow is a new day.  A little sleep, maybe a little more iron in my system, and hopefully I will be back to my more optimistic view on life.  God is good ALL the Time . . God is good ALL the Time  . . God is good ALL the Time  . . God is good ALL the Time  . .

  • 06Jun
    new bed

    new bed

    Well, here is the bed I picked out.  That’s not my room.  I ordered this on-line and it’s coming from Canada of all places!  =)  I thought that was kind of appropriate since Dan was Canadian.  I got this whole suite, plus another night stand, for about the price of the drawers that I was looking at before.  So, I managed to satisfy my “thrifty” side as well as get what I wanted.

    I’ve got to get moving.  Literally.  =)  I set up a large portion of the school room furniture yesterday and got my couch moved into my library.  Today I want to empty some more boxes and maybe get some shelves built for my library.  We will see what the day holds.

    Thank you all for your input on this.  You had some good ideas and some very good thoughts.  I guess I don’t have to feel guilty for spending so much money on myself when I only do it once in a blue moon.  Thanks for your encouragement.

  • 03Jun

    June 3, 2009

    Tonight I find myself caught in the midst of another difficult decision that before I would have just given my input and deferred the rest of this headache to Dan.  I have been given a gift for the use of furniture and I’m just not sure how to use it wisely.  Do I stretch it and pick up the pieces I need at sales, bargain bins and the like and end up with a bunch of mismatched furniture that is functional and will cover several rooms, or do I spend more money and get a matched set of furniture for just my bedroom—which I might add, I’ve never had before.

    I, naturally, lean more to the thrifty side of things.  I could get mismatched functional pieces, do some painting, stenciling, whatever, and make all the pieces blend together and I would probably be just fine.  Bedrooms are just for sleeping, right?

    But there is another side of things that I’m not quite sure how to deal with here.  My bedroom will be off limits to the kids.  It will be the place where I can relax, let down my hair so to speak, and tune the world out and rejuvenate myself.  I love my children dearly, but if I don’t have a chance to get away I cannot be the best mother for them that I need to be.  Without Dan here to help I will need that space even more since I will be dealing with the constant demands of my children from sunup to sundown without a whole lot of relief. 

     

    Thoughts:

    –We already have a zillion other little projects on the go, painting furniture just isn’t real high on my priority list.  

    –Having my room set up and efficient is going to be crucial for my sanity for the immediate weeks after move-in day. 

    –I like the idea of meshing bargain pieces with a room, but not real excited about multiple large pieces for one room, especially during an already busy time.  I can still do “deals” for other rooms of the house. 

    –I like easy on the pocketbook, but like a classy look.  Those don’t always mesh.

     

    It’s the bed that is really what’s bugging me.  I want drawers under a double or queen sized bed and a bookshelf headboard.  They have all kinds of options like that for single beds, bunk beds, etc, but are sadly lacking on options for the double/queen sized variety . . . at least at a reasonable cost (or what I think is reasonable—I am a cheap skate). 

    –Do I really need the drawers (under the bed)?  I have so few wants . . . when I finally pushed for something Dan usually went out of his way to try to accommodate . . .

     

    Oohh!  That thought made me cry.  He tried so hard to take care of me.  He insisted that I needed a dishwasher.  “With all these kids you don’t have time to be washing dishes.” He said.  Every so often he would come home and say, “What can we do to make the house more efficient for you?”  Sometimes he would grouch at me, “Why in the world are you doing that?  You don’t have time for that!”    

     

    Oh I miss him!!