• 07Jun
    Categories: Grieving Comments: 2

    I’ve been playing with some thoughts here lately about the grief process.  I think that if someone asked me how to describe the grief process with one word I would have to use the word “Confusion”.  So much of what I am dealing with seems to be confusion.  I’m confused about my new role in my family, confused about what I need to be sharing with the kids, confused about whether or not I want someone to hug me, confused about my purpose in life, . . and the list goes on.

    That really bothers me.  If God is not “the author of confusion”, but He is in control of my life, then why am I in such a state of chaos?  More digging takes me back to the Garden of Eden before there was sin.  Life was perfect, God had created a structured environment without confusion.  But then sin entered the picture and brought confusion along with it. God isn’t the reason that Dan died, sin is, and the confusion and grief that goes with that is a result of sin.

    Pain was given as a defense mechanism by God, but that is physical pain, not emotional.

    So once again I decide to trust the Lord and allow Him to work His will in my life.  That’s good, because I’m going to need Him tomorrow.

  • 07Jun

    The boys (Benjamin-6, Josiah-6) have been talking about Daddy again.  I like knowing what is going through their minds, but sometimes it hurts so bad. 

    Benjamin (6) hasn’t been sleeping real well as evidenced by the circles under his eyes and he keeps trying to tell me that he wants to sleep with me.  I’m not ready to encourage that.  Further digging brought out the fact that he was cold and he wanted to cuddle up next to Daddy and get warm. 

    We also spent some time talking about things we remember about Daddy and Benjamin (6) said that he remember’s seeing Daddy when he was dead.  That is such an awful picture.  I remember that, too with a clarity that makes the tears fall every time. 

    Josiah (6) says he misses his “old Daddy”.  (He’s the one pushing to get a new Daddy.)

    I really missed my Danny, too today.  I opened a set of hair cutting clippers yesterday while digging through boxes and found some of his hair.  The feel of it on my fingers . . .  I should have saved some to put in a scrap book or something.  I can remember jokingly telling Dan that if something happened to him that I would probably still be finding his little hairs all over for a couple of months afterward.  I’m not laughing now.

    Dassy (3) remembers that Daddy liked the skins on his potatoes.  She claims she likes them that way, too, because that’s the way that Daddy liked them, but I have a hard time believing that.  I can remember him making a baked potato at 9:00 at night or something weird like that, because he “was really hungry for a potato”.  He would mash it all up, filling up one of our big plates, put butter on it, salt, and then ask if I wanted any.  I would usually say “probably not”, and then he knew that he shouldn’t put pepper on all of it because I would eat some of it.  It just always looked so good when he sat down next to me to eat it . . .      And then when it came time to make french fries or potato salad (which he liked by the ice cream bucket full) I would insist on helping because I didn’t like the skins and he didn’t like peeling the potatoes.  =)

    I think I’m feeling a little angry with God right now.  Just what exactly does He want me to tell these kids!?  I don’t want to do this alone.  What makes Him think I can handle this anyway?!  And other such rhetorical questions . . 

    Tomorrow is a new day.  A little sleep, maybe a little more iron in my system, and hopefully I will be back to my more optimistic view on life.  God is good ALL the Time . . God is good ALL the Time  . . God is good ALL the Time  . . God is good ALL the Time  . .