I was still trying to figure out that “emptiness” that I mentioned in a previous blog and Sunday night I had a thought. I was listening to “Find Us Faithful” sung by Steve Green and the words reminded me of all the “hopes and dreams” that Dan and I had, and I thought, “That’s what’s missing!” My purpose in life, my hopes, my dreams, my ideas about what the future should hold are all gone. I’m starting all over again. I don’t know that I’ve had dreams for my children, other than that they have a strong relationship with my Lord and grow up to be good solid citizens and a faithful witness. Technically they can do that without me, although I’m sure it would be easier if at least one of their parents stuck around. So essentially I am wandering around a bit aimlessly trying to figure out new goals for my life so that I know which directions to take.
Currently the only real goals and purpose I seem to have is to get done and move into that house. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision the people perish”. Hitler used to drive people mad in the concentration camps by making them carry sand from one side of the camp to the other – no purpose to the task. Soldiers imprisoned survive because they have people at home waiting for them. Me, I’m still going because I have my kids, but I need/want something more than that.
Then my thoughts turned a bit more to spiritual things. Why is it so important to live a Christian life? Why do I need to trust my Lord? Why does it matter if I let depression over take me? And from somewhere the answer crept into my consciousness. My life is a witness, a tool to bring others to Jesus.
I tend to focus more on strengthening people’s relationship with the Lord as that is where my gifts seem to lie, and frankly while that is important in the over all scheme of things it didn’t seem to matter since “they” were already on their way to heaven. But that’s not true either. My life may influence someone who in turn will lead someone else to salvation. And while my life may serve as a witness, my gifts are still needed. I do still have purpose and meaning. God’s not finished with me yet.