I was reading a book last night called “None to Give Away”. The author was a young widow with five babies (two sets of twins!) and she mentions that sometimes she felt resentful of her children because they made her live. They made her keep going when what she really wanted to do was give up and follow her hubby to heaven. I find that I am reluctant to admit anything of the sort for fear my children will read it and misunderstand. But I think I agree with her. That is what makes me so mad at Dan. Dying is the easy part, it’s the living that’s the hard part. And living alone just makes it harder. So when things pile up, the pressures push in from all sides, and multiple demands are placed on me all at once, that is when I want to melt into a puddle on the floor and say “Why was I left with all the work! Why can’t I take the easy way out? This is supposed to be a partnership. This job was not designed for one person to handle alone!” And sometimes the resentful thoughts about my children rise to the surface and I try to quickly squelch them for fear that the Lord will take me seriously.
The Lord often takes me seriously . . too seriously. When I got married I asked the Lord for a year with just my hubby and me before we started having kids. One year and one month later we had Benjamin (6). I was thinking a little more along the lines of a year without being pregnant, too, but apparently that wasn’t what I said. (Although I do remember being a bit disappointed that first month or two when I realized that I wasn’t pregnant . . . ) Dan and I joked on several occasions about having 6 kids in 6 years and just get it all done and over with and move on to the job of raising the kids. God must have thought 7 was a better number (7 kids in 7 years), but once again I find that He took me seriously. I told Him I wanted out of that house (WV) by winter and we were. We only started the wood stove once or twice during the colder fall weather, then Dan went in for surgery and that was that. I told Dan (with God listening) that if something happened to him I didn’t want to pack up that attic! Everything happened so fast and I had so many responsibilities all at once that my entire house got packed up without my help. Again God took me seriously. It makes me very cautious as to what I say and think. That is probably a good thing. I don’t know why I would ever think that God doesn’t listen to me. Sometimes I think He listens too closely