Remembering Dan

• Rings

  17Apr
  Categories: Remembering Dan, Single Parenting Comments: 2

  I took my rings off tonight (4-16-09).  The dirt from building house was getting to be too much and my normal cleaning procedures weren’t cutting the cake. 

  My rings are loaded with history and laughter.  I told Dan right up front that he wasn’t supposed to spend a lot of money on a ring for me because I was just going to lose it.  The only jewelry that I’ve worn consistently is my watch and occasionally a necklace and I knew that getting used to a wedding ring was going to be a bit difficult.  My mother-in-law passed on her wedding band and engagement ring set when she found out that Dan was going to propose, so technically he didn’t spend a lot of money on them.  They were somewhat sentimental, though.  And wouldn’t you know it, I lost the engagement band.  I wore it for about two days and that was it.  I felt awful.  We decided to get the wedding band resized immediately (since that was the reason I lost the engagement ring) and we would use that as the engagement ring. 

  For the wedding he gave me another band with stones in it (I wanted the stones buried in the band so I wouldn’t be breaking them off).  So I had a wedding band for an engagement ring and an engagement ring for a wedding band.  We always did do things a bit backwards.

  Within a year I had actually worn through the one ring enough that it broke.  By the end of the second year the second ring was worn enough that we were afraid it was going to break as well.  So, Dan bought me another ring (keep in mind the expense rule – we weren’t spending a whole lot on these rings, thank the Lord).  I’m not really sure how the time frame worked, but I think I got another ring in there somewhere, too.  The one I am wearing now is wearing a bit more evenly although I noticed tonight that this construction work has put a funny kink in it.

  I am also wearing Dan’s ring.  He only had one.  =)  I felt so cheap, buying his ring at Wal-Mart, but I had absolutely no idea how, when, or where to buy jewelry – especially for a guy.  It turns out to have been a pretty good choice.  It was a good sturdy ring that held up well under all the pressure.  Somehow his ring still looks round.  His fingers were bigger than mine, of course, so when he had to take it off at the hospital before his surgery I put his ring behind mine so I wouldn’t lose it.  It’s been on my finger ever since, since he didn’t bother to reclaim it after surgery.

  They felt heavy when I put them back on tonight after some cleaning.  It felt like a tremendous responsibility resting on me . . being a mother is quite a responsibility in and of itself, having the added task of being Daddy as well seems nigh on impossible. 

• Shoes, Shirts, and Waterballoons

  17Apr
  Categories: Remembering Dan Comments: 1

  I mentioned something to Josiah the one day about Daddy liking to wear his shoes everywhere.  He would put them on first thing in the morning and they would be one of the last things he would take off at night.  Since then, Josiah has only taken his shoes off for bedtime and the occasional afternoon at Nana’s house.  I’ve also found him sleeping without a shirt on . . another Daddy habit.

  Benjamin remembers throwing water balloons at Daddy and is a bit obsessed with the idea currently.  He told me tonight, though, that he probably couldn’t throw water balloons at Uncle Andrew “’cause he has glasses”.  Too bad his Dad didn’t hold to that philosophy.  I would have stayed a lot dryer.  =)

• Family Photo

  17Apr
  Categories: Grieving, Single Parenting Comments: 3

  We are gearing up for a family picture taking session.  People keep asking and I keep putting it off . . . I just don’t know if I can do it.  We used to joke that no sooner did we get our family photo updated than it would be outdated because I was pregnant again.  Now I am just having the awful feeling that our family photos will never be right again.  I’ll never have a family photo with Dan AND Caleb.  The kids are going to grow up and none of their pictures will ever have Dan in them again.  Looking at a family shot now just seems to make that big black spot . . the empty spot next to me, seem so much more bare and forlorn.  Steve and Annie Chapman sing a song that says “We are still a family.  Though one of us is gone, we can still carry on.  We are still a family.”  I haven’t been able to come to that realization yet.  I just don’t feel like a family any more.  Maybe a picture would help . . .

• Projects

  15Apr
  Categories: Grieving Comments: 3

  The emotions have been getting stuffed a bit lately.  There are just so many things going on with the house, so many decisions to make, so much to do and to get caught up on, so much is in limbo as we try to put this and that off until we can be somewhere settled.  Little things keep popping up that tear at my heart, but I can’t find the time to deal with it.  I keep seeing Dan at odd times, up on a ladder, in my bed, holding one of the kids, playing with the baby, making supper . . .

  I got peeved at him again tonight.  I was talking about big projects and got to wondering if I would have gotten tired of his big projects as I got older.  It was difficult for him to finish projects . . the visionary in him was much better at starting them and then passing them on to me to finish.  So I grouched at him for not even finishing his life, . . cried, and then went back to the task of finishing another one of his big projects, raising his children.

• In Training

  14Apr
  Categories: Family Updates Comments: 0

  Spent the whole day with my kids today.  I am looking forward to moving into our home so that I can settle them in and deal with a few issues.  Payden (1) is starting to exhibit quite a temper.  My adorable, smiley faced, chubbers can be down right opinionated, and stubborn when he wants to be.  I am still waiting on potty training Maranatha (2).  I really think she wants to be trained and I keep thinking that if I wait too much longer she will just potty train herself.  Dassy (3) needs some specific attention and some training in a work ethic.  She still thinks that as “princess” she is above any kind of work and that her “minions” would be more than happy to clean up whatever mess she leaves in her wake.  The older three are holding up pretty well, but could use some reinforcement in a few areas and of course, since the training never really stops, they could be learning a few new things.

  I find that I am still in training as well.  Payden has taken to demanding to be let down from his high chair and then will instantly demand some food to eat on the run.  I am wondering just how much of that is because Mom rarely sits down to eat her food, but is constantly eating on the run

  I am back in PA, but have yet to actually see much of anyone outside of working on the house and church.  I am not seeing it getting a whole lot better for the forseeable future.  Tomorrow I am scheduled to spend a couple of hours at Lowes (actually quite a few memories in that place . . .).  So much to do, and of course, we have to squeeze it into as little time as possible. 

  Strange how we rush from one thing to the next, pushing, pulling, trying to manipulate our time and our existence here on this earth when in reality only God can do anything with the “time” and “life” that He has created.

• Garage

  12Apr
  Categories: Uncategorized Comments: 3
  Here is the first load of block that Matthew and I unloaded for the garage.  There was one more load, but this one wore us out.  =)

  

  

  Garage

• Make a Joyful Noise

  12Apr
  Categories: Remembering Dan Comments: 3

  When I think of the phrase “Make a Joyful Noise”  I don’t think of the militant ruckus of a colicky 3 month old sung in chorus with a 15 month old’s desire for food.  Add to that an older child’s whine for their own self-serving purpose, and another child’s loud arrogant demand for superiority.  But those are noises that I seem to hear on a regular basis.  Another mark on the already filthy window of this sin-cursed world.

  Rather, I like to think of things like the opportunities I have to play the piano (which I got to do for church this morning – nerve racking because it’s been so long, but nice to be able to do that again), the kids singing in chorus from the back of the van, and Dan singing off key at the top of his lungs just because he wanted to.  That kind of “noise” is more soothing to the soul.

  I miss hearing Dan’s brand of music.  I feel like I haven’t been able to sing on key for several years because I was always standing next to him, listening to him belt out the song without any finesse, but definitely making a joyful noise.  He made me smile with his silly songs he would sing to the kids while making dinner, while playing with them, and while working with them.  He liked to include their names and sometimes I would join in with a silly little rhyme or two of my own.  It’s been a while since I’ve sung a silly song with the kids.

• Water Lines

  10Apr
  Categories: Family Updates Comments: 2
  

  Water Lines

  Here is a picture of the water lines for my house.  There sure do seem to be lots of them.  The windows and front door got put in today ( a couple of times  =) ).  We also worked on the stairs, some more wiring and the chimney guy came and got started on that, too.

• Framing

  10Apr
  Categories: Grieving Comments: 2

  I helped to frame up a wall today.  I’ve been wanting to do some framing ever since this project was considered feasible.  Framing isn’t exactly my area of expertise, and I really don’t have the muscle power to do a whole lot of it, especially when the nail guns weigh about as much as Caleb (baby) and you are supposed to hold them in one hand.  But back when Dan and I were seriously discussing building a house, Dan mentioned his love of framing.  It was actually a little difficult to get past the framing stage in our blueprints because he would get a bit hung up there.  He loved the way things would go up so quickly, but that a certain amount of precision was still required.  We were both sure we wanted to hire out the drywalling of such a big project, but Dan definitely wanted to be in on the framing.  So, when this house started to come together I very much wanted to be in on the framing.  I wanted to put in a nail for Dan.

  Today, while helping to frame up a wall for the basement stairs I tried to think of a way to explain why I wanted to help with the framing and all I could think of was, “I want to be able to tell Dan that I framed a wall or two in this house.”  I can see him smiling at me as I exhibit my excitement at “learning” a new skill.  I think he liked the fact that I wanted to be involved.  I just couldn’t quite wrap my mind around the fact that it was going to be a very looooong time before I could tell Dan anything like that and watch him smile at me, and by then it would probably not be anything of interest to either of us.

  I just keep looking at this house and saying, Dan SO wanted to be involved in this.  We had been trying so hard and the Lord just kept blocking us at every turn.  And now that Dan is gone, his dreams are starting to come to fruition.  Why couldn’t I do this WITH him?

• Temporary Again

  08Apr
  Categories: Family Updates Comments: 0

  I’m in limbo again.  I don’t have internet at the house where I am staying meaning that I need to do my internet stuff while at my parents.  This, Lord willing, will be something of a temporary situation, but in the mean time I will possibly be putting up more than one post at a time.  I apologize if this fills up your e-mails more than you would like. 

  Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.  The house is progressing well.  The rough plumbing is in, quite a bit of the rough electrical, the footer is down for the garage, windows and stairs are next on the list I think.  I helped unload a trailer load of block today.  And then they dumped a load of sand for the cement . . I had to stop and play in the sandbox.  =)

  We have also had some help from Florida this week.  That has been nice.  Friends of Dan and I from college were up north for some weddings and stopped in for a couple of days to help out and visit.  It was nice to see them again, catch up with each other, as well as get some help.  Thanks for coming!!