The conflicting emotions are starting to feel normal – not pleasant, just normal. I’ve been working on a digital scrapbook of some recent photos of Dan and today I got my first edition in printed form. It looks pretty good, but there are a few things that I want to fix before I order multiple copies. I am excited about being this close to completion, but the conflict arises when I realize that I want to make some changes, order one more, make some more changes, order one more, make some more changes, . . and you get the picture. It’s not so much that I want to get it perfect . . . I think I’m seeing it as one more piece of Dan being put away. I want each of the kids to have one of these books for themselves so that is just what I am doing. I am making the books and then I am going to put them away in a hope chest sort of thing. I am putting Dan away in a box. Or at least that’s what it feels like in a strange sort of way.
Dan hated being stuffed in a box, labled, confined to a “feet on the ground” kind of thinking. He wanted to be soaring above the minds of his fellow humans with ideas and inventions, soaring above the clouds in his green box, soaring above the atmosphere into the unknown realms of space, and now . . he’s above even all that. And I’m down here, stuffing him in a box . . his creamation box, a picture box, a hope chest kind of box . . .
SMASH that box!!!! Let him free!!
Maybe the real problem is my box. There’s the box of grief, the box of human perception of heaven, the box of death, the box of life,we even try to stick God in a box. It’s easier than trying to understand how He could exist outside of a box. We have such small minds and yet we think we’re such hot stuff. Makes me think of Payden just learning how to walk. Everything has to have a beginning and an end for us poor simpletons. Oh to be free of the finite mind so that I could soar with Dan in a heavenly realtionship with Jesus.