• 15Feb

    Valentines Day.  A day for lovers.  A day for celebration.  A day for intimacies.  A day for demonstrations of affection.  A lonely day for me.  Many of you thought of me, prayed for me, brought me flowers, chocolates, and cookies, and wrote me notes for which I am grateful.  I spent the day cleaning, spending time with family, and trying to fix a small plumbing problem.  (My eyes keep leaking.  =)  It actually went rather well. 

    It was today that was a bit rough.  I was tired (I slept in a single bed with two little visitors last night, and then Payden (1) was up at 5 and wanted to play), it was Sunday (my most vulnerable day of the week), and I must have prepped myself for yesterday and today was the “let down”.

    Abigail (4) brought out her candy after lunch that she had gotten in Sunday School and was playing with and eating it.  It was those yucky little hearts that had messages on them.  I remembered getting some of those somewhere along the way and putting several together to make a message for Dan.  Then I taped them all to a piece of paper (added some words in appropriate places to make the message more understandable) and put the whole thing in his lunch box.  He didn’t really care for those “yucky” hearts either so the message got carried around for quite some time.  I wonder if I finally threw it out or if it is in storage in WV somewhere.

    I remember taking one of my heart punches and making little heart confetti and leaving a trail of hearts that eventually led to me in the bedroom.  I remember the kids and I decorating the house with chains of hearts and putting some on his computer, too, so that he wouldn’t miss them.  I remember getting a new dress (that I was afraid to wear in public) and making up a scavenger hunt of sorts so that the kids met him at the door after work and guided him around the house (shower time, computer time, etc) so that I had a chance to feed the baby (Payden at the time, I think), get supper on the table, etc. all without him seeing me until the crucial moment.  I remember sending the kids to the babysitters and taking some time to just go out to eat and talk.  I remember picking him up at the airport after he spent two weeks in MI without me and my heart pounding with anticipation when I saw him at the gate and then crying because I was so happy to see him.  I remember making meatloaf hearts and decorating them with ketchup “I love you’s”.  I remember him bringing home flowers, “just because”.  (Benjamin-6- remembers that too.  Maybe he’ll keep up the tradition.)  I remember him making my birthday cake (he bought a cheese Danish and surrounded it with glazed doughnuts and put candles in it).

    My lover, my friend is gone, but the happy memories are still there.  The Lord has blessed me and I should be grateful . . . I am grateful.  And while I may wish for something more I know the Lord has my best interests at heart and at this point I am just resting in that.

    Thank you for listening to my memories and witnessing my grief.  God is good ALL THE TIME.