• 30Jan

    Oh, God . . are you going to make this more painful yet?  Why this awful sick feeling?  What am I going to have to forgive?  He was my friend, my lover, my life . . .  I didn’t really mind living without some of the comforts of life as long as he was there.  He was what made the struggles of daily life worth while.  I invested my time, my body, my emotions into that man and there are those out there who can’t and couldn’t see him as more than some inanimate object to throw away.  I would defend him beyond my comfort zone. 

    *memory*

    Did in fact.  I remember actually telling a boss to take a hike in defense of him.  He was mouthing off about how Dan wasn’t taking good enough care of me and how he was being so young and immature . . and I got so mad I stormed out of his office, was ready to hand in my resignation on the spot. . .  I don’t do things like that.  Way to rash.  Not to mention I don’t normally fly off the handle like that.  Amazing the things I would have done and did do for Dan.  I’d still like to punch the guy . .

    Reminds me of another guy I’d like to punch.  Never actually met him, but if I had . . . He was one of the guys that Dan was working with on a particular job and he really made things miserable for Dan.  Dan mentioned me seeing him at one point and I bristled.  I really wanted the chance to break a couple of knuckles across his jaw.  The idea probably made Dan smile.  Petite little mamma bear slappin some big guy silly when Dan really didn’t need my protection.

    And I used to think I wasn’t passionate about anything.

    What a man.  I saw him get slapped down so many times . . the ones that hurt the worst were the Christians.  And yet he kept right on going with a smile on his face.  I could see the hurt, the pain, the disillusionment . . he had a big heart, some big ideas, and a vision that most people didn’t understand and therefore feared.  They told him in so many little ways that “he couldn’t do that, he’d never be able to get that done, that was impossible (a dangerous remark around Dan–he would insist on finding a way to do the impossible), he wasn’t good enough . . .   He often had a hard time trusting people because of that, but that didn’t stop him from being willing to give them the shirt off his back if they needed it.  There was so much I wanted to learn from him yet.  I know he had his flaws.  He wasn’t exactly the most practical minded person, he had his weaknesses, it was hard for him to admit that he was wrong, but he loved me and the kids to death.  Oh that’s a nasty cliché to use at this particular time.  You can forgive a guy a lot when you love him.  I’m just not sure I’m willing to forgive him for dying on me . . . not that it was his fault, I guess.  *sigh*

5 Comments to Passionate about Dan

  • I never got to meet you but you sound like a tough cookie. You carry so much love in your heart for Dan, as we all do!

  • Dear Liisa,

    Your pain is still so raw, and yet you are willing to share it. I am so proud of you. The love that you had for Dan, is one that you will never be able to replace, you will always remember his quirks, his laugh, and the way that he lived…to the fullest. He loved you SO much Liisa. I remember him telling me once how truly wonderful his wife, and life were. YOU ARE BLESSED !!

    I do hope the pain subsides….or at least fades a little. You do deserve to be happy. I think of you daily, and LOVE you !! You are such an amazing mother, and friend. It is a privillage to know you.

    Hugs, Michelle

  • Liisa,

    I guess now I know why we are friends. Your entry today made me cry. Because my friend is hurting and I can’t fix it, because I miss you and the kids, because Dan was such a good friend to Lynn, and now he’s gone. They were two peas in a pod. Your defensiveness for Dan I can truly relate to. Lynn thinks like Dan– outside the box, and has gone through a lot of the same things in life. Being told you can’t make that work, which makes him want to try harder, always being looked down someone’s nose, being told he isn’t taking care of us good enough. I understand that part way too well. I guess they were good for each other. I’m so thankful for the HUGE impact Dan made on Lynn’s life. Thank you for allowing us into your lives. You and Dan will always hold a special place in our hearts. Our prayers go out to you and your babies.

    Kelly

  • Sweet Liisa,

    One thing that I had to learn was that forgiveness is not for the other persons benefit but for yours/ours. It gives the freedom to find joy again and not feel guilt about the joy. It lets you claim back your life that is being eaten up by the memory of the “wrong” committed. When I am having a hare time forgiving someone for a real or imagined offense I out loud say that I choose to forgive whatever and whom ever and then I pray for God to put my heart in the right place to feel the forgiveness. It does work as forgiveness just like love is a choice. We don’t love the way you loved Dan by chance we choose it and it becomes who we are and what we do. You LOVE Dan! And you will find the strength to forgive him (the drs. and God) for leaving you to deal with all his hopes and dreams. Maybe even letting seven little hopes and dreams give you strength to overcome the rest.

    In the end by putting your thoughts and fears here you are already working through the choice to forgive and searching for the place where joy is to be found.

    Give yourself 5 minutes each day for each of your children that is there special time of joy with mommy and you will soon see that forgiveness comes and joy returns.

    Love you as always.