Oh, God . . are you going to make this more painful yet? Why this awful sick feeling? What am I going to have to forgive? He was my friend, my lover, my life . . . I didn’t really mind living without some of the comforts of life as long as he was there. He was what made the struggles of daily life worth while. I invested my time, my body, my emotions into that man and there are those out there who can’t and couldn’t see him as more than some inanimate object to throw away. I would defend him beyond my comfort zone.
Did in fact. I remember actually telling a boss to take a hike in defense of him. He was mouthing off about how Dan wasn’t taking good enough care of me and how he was being so young and immature . . and I got so mad I stormed out of his office, was ready to hand in my resignation on the spot. . . I don’t do things like that. Way to rash. Not to mention I don’t normally fly off the handle like that. Amazing the things I would have done and did do for Dan. I’d still like to punch the guy . .
Reminds me of another guy I’d like to punch. Never actually met him, but if I had . . . He was one of the guys that Dan was working with on a particular job and he really made things miserable for Dan. Dan mentioned me seeing him at one point and I bristled. I really wanted the chance to break a couple of knuckles across his jaw. The idea probably made Dan smile. Petite little mamma bear slappin some big guy silly when Dan really didn’t need my protection.
And I used to think I wasn’t passionate about anything.
What a man. I saw him get slapped down so many times . . the ones that hurt the worst were the Christians. And yet he kept right on going with a smile on his face. I could see the hurt, the pain, the disillusionment . . he had a big heart, some big ideas, and a vision that most people didn’t understand and therefore feared. They told him in so many little ways that “he couldn’t do that, he’d never be able to get that done, that was impossible (a dangerous remark around Dan–he would insist on finding a way to do the impossible), he wasn’t good enough . . . He often had a hard time trusting people because of that, but that didn’t stop him from being willing to give them the shirt off his back if they needed it. There was so much I wanted to learn from him yet. I know he had his flaws. He wasn’t exactly the most practical minded person, he had his weaknesses, it was hard for him to admit that he was wrong, but he loved me and the kids to death. Oh that’s a nasty cliché to use at this particular time. You can forgive a guy a lot when you love him. I’m just not sure I’m willing to forgive him for dying on me . . . not that it was his fault, I guess. *sigh*