Remembering Dan

• Failures

  26Jan
  Categories: Single Parenting Comments: 4

  Confronted once again this past Sunday with my failures in mothering I find myself crying out, “LORD!  Please help me to teach these children that although I fail, You do not, and that my failures do not give them an excuse to choose the wrong path.”  It is something that I prayed before Dan died, but it seems even more important now somehow.  They can use the awful things of this sin-cursed world to get stronger and to learn how to get closer to God or they can let them cause a root of bitterness to grow that will blossom and spread it’s evil poison to everything and everyone in their lives.

  Reminds me of the political arena.  Dan really got disgusted with all these people blasting Bush for his choice to go to war.  “We can’t blame Bush for not knowing everything about the situation.  He did the best he could with the information that he had.”  Well, I am doing the best I can with the information, skills, and time that I have. 

  Sometimes it just doesn’t seem like enough . . .

• Danny Quilts

  26Jan
  Categories: Family Updates, Remembering Dan Comments: 8

  I’m guessing that not all of you who are reading this blog are friends of mine on facebook.  In which case I need to tell you about my “Danny quilts”.  For those who have already heard about them please pardon the repetition.

  While packing some clothes in WV for this time frame of “between houses” I looked at a bunch of Dan’s clothes and wondered what I was going to do with them.  Someone had suggested that I give each of the kids a shirt to cuddle with as a way to remember their Dad.  So in the process of pulling out one for each of them I decided to turn some of them into a quilt.  A good friend told me that “When life gives you scraps, make a quilt.”  So that’s what I’m doing.

  I ended up dividing up Dan’s dress shirts between myself and the four oldest kids.  Then I am taking their “color” and making a quilt for each of them.  There really isn’t a whole lot of Dan’s shirts in each quilt (Dan just wasn’t much interested in wearing pink and purple)  =).  Marantha, Payden, and Caleb kind of get the short end of the stick there, but I’m still playing with some ideas.  I’m saving the pockets and tags off of the shirts and I think I might sort of appliqué them onto a ‘sheet’, and knot that into a comforter for Maranatha.  Then I have a few collars, cuffs, and buttons, not to mention T-shirts (not real good for blankets) and some jeans to play around with for Payden and Caleb.

  So, if you hear me talking about a Danny quilt that is what I’m referring to.  I did manage to finish the first one which I have claimed as my own at this point.  Friends have donated scraps, time for cutting, piecing, and quilting to help me finish.  It is very nice to have this project to work on at this point in my life.  It seems to help me grieve in a constructive manner.

  Here is a picture of the first one.

  Here are some of the patches for the second one.  This one will be Abigail’s.  I’m not sure why I started with hers.  I actually have this one all pieced together and basted.  Next step is the quilting and then put on the edging to finish it up.

  

• Michigan again

  24Jan
  Categories: Family Updates Comments: 4

  Hey!!  We made it!  We are in Michigan again.  The van worked like a dream this time.  I packed it quite full so we were wishing we had a bit more space . . like maybe a bus . . but the trip actually went rather well.  I think that Nana was a bit overwhelmed by the “production” that a trip like that turned out to be, but we survived.  “Quick” potty stops are rarely less than half an hour unless it’s just pulling over to the side of the road so that the boys can just pee out the door.  =)  We left PA around 6 a.m. and made it to our destination by 9/9:30 p.m.  The trip actually took a little longer this time, but I’m guessing that some of that was because every time we stopped to go to the potty I also had to feed Caleb.

  And speaking of Caleb . . to those who are wondering . . no, I haven’t really seen a whole lot of personality yet.  Other than the fact that he was born holding his head up, talking, and fighting sleep (just like Daddy), I haven’t really noticed a whole lot of personality.

  I’ve got a bunch of stuff to update you all on, but I am in MI and able to do that much easier than PA so will be able to get at this a bit more frequently.  So, there is really no reason for me to stress myself out trying to stay awake at the keyboard.  I want to try to get some pics of my first Danny quilt on this site, too.  I’m ready for the quilting stage on the second one thanks to my friend and landlady in PA (who Payden misses quite a bit I might add).

• Potty training

  22Jan
  Categories: Family Updates Comments: 4

  Maranatha is sort of potty training herself.  Not a bad thing since I hate potty training. 

  The other day I asked her if she needed to go potty.

  Yep.  So off we went.

  She sat down, paused for a few seconds and then was off.

  Me:  “No, ‘Natha, you have to wait for a few minutes.”

  Maranatha:  “Oh.  O.K. ”

  Maranatha:  “It’s stuck, Mommy.”

  Me:  “Uh huh.”

  Maranatha:  “It’s stuck.  Maybe t’mowow (tomorrow).”

  What could I say?  I laughed and laughed.  I wish I could have told Dan.  He would have laughed too.

• Kids

  22Jan
  Categories: Family Updates, Single Parenting Comments: 2

  For those of you who commented on my post about “colors,” I do have to inform you that this is not a new idea.  I think we started that back when Josiah (my second) was born.  I also thought that Joanne’s comments about each of the kids relating to their colors was actually pretty acurate.

  Benjamin is my helper.  He’s the leader, the boss, the one who always wins the games “because he’s the oldest” (that’s what the kids tell me).  But he’s also sort of laid back, cool, calm, gentle, and usually collected.

  Josiah is tender hearted.  He is usually quite willing to take care of his sisters and helps to protect them.  It is not at all uncommon to see him leading one of them around by the hand.  The other day I saw him chasing off a dog (a friendly dog) that was overwhelming one of the girls.  Not real big on new things.  He likes his routine and needs security.

  Abigail is a tough little cookie and even more ditzy than her mother, if that’s possible.  She’s the daughter that runs into walls (something her mother does on occasion, too) because she’s not paying attention to where she’s going.  Makes me laugh just thinking about it.  She likes to play with the boys usually . . a bit of a tomboy. . .  and she likes to help Mom in the kitchen.

  Dassy is the princess.  That has become very noticeable here lately.  We started asking her to pick up her toys and she would just give us this look like “Why?  I have minions to do that menial task for me!”  She was probably the baby for the longest and all the older ones just doted on her for some reason.  She is also tiny, making her seem a bit more frail.  She likes to play by herself, too, adding to the “royalty” feel of things.  Giving her the name of a queen and bestowing on her the color of royalty was an accident, but Wow! does it fit.

  Maranatha is my sunshine.  She is entering her terrible two stage and has started saying “No” to mom, and acting a bit rebellious, but normally she loves to help, loves to laugh and smile, and is usually compliant. 

  Payden is the reason I’m still going.  He has the cutest grin and he knows how to use it too.  He is climbing everything, hunting trouble all the time, likes lots of hugs, and looks absolutely adorable with his spiky hair.  He’s quite stubborn about what he wants and will howl up a storm when someone tells him “No.”  As soon as he wakes up he’s on the move.

  They are all special gifts from God and I love each and every one of them.

• Memories

  22Jan
  Categories: Remembering Dan Comments: 2

  We were driving to NY for a wedding.  We were running late, the kids needed another potty break, we forgot the map, . . things were getting a little tense.  I don’t remember exactly what prompted it, but in a burst of irritation Dan picked up his brand new day planner and tossed it at me.  My window was open and we were both quite startled to see the day planner fly right by me and out the window.  I sat there silent for a minute and then just giggled.  It was so funny to see that thing fly right by me.  It took a few minutes for Dan to see the humor in the situation and by then I had pretty much dissolved into laughter.  The look on his face was priceless and I couldn’t stop imagining the look on the truck driver’s face that was coming up beside us.  I could just see him calling home and telling his wife about this day planner just flying right out the window of the van in front of him.  We figured that it would be one of those memories that we would bring up 20 years down the road and laugh ourselves silly.  It still makes me giggle to think about it.  You probably had to be there . . .

   

  For those that knew Dan you are quite familiar with the fact that he loved to talk.  His mind worked a million miles a minute and all that stuff going through his brain had to come out somewhere.  Talking was the way he thought.  One of the best ways for him to work a kink out of a problem was to talk the thing to death.  That often got me in trouble because I wasn’t always real good at discerning when he was thinking out loud vs. when he was actually conveying something important that I needed to hear.  It wasn’t so much that I was ignoring him as it was my brain wasn’t capable of keeping up with his and therefore I had to pick what it was actually going to assimilate and process.

  Anyway, all that to tell you about my favorite memory of Dan.  He was talking.  lol

  It was in college and we were getting pretty serious about each other.  I don’t remember if we were actually dating at the time or not.  I had a nice suit jacket that looked very professional but I never wore it.  My roommate noticed this and finally asked if she could try it.  Not a problem.  She looked good in it, and I thought, hmmmm . . . I’d like to look that good.  So, one Sunday I decided to give it a try.  I had a nice, short, straight skirt that went well with the top and apparently Dan really liked the combination.  =)

  He was outside talking to his cousin while waiting for me after Sunday School.  I walked out of the building and I could just see the “appreciation” written all over his face.  He never stopped talking, but I know he had absolutely no idea what he was saying any more.  It’s a moment that I will remember for a lifetime.  

• Heaven-the place that stole Dan

  22Jan
  Categories: Remembering Dan Comments: 3

  Why is Heaven so great? . . Yeah I’ll probably see Dan again, but he won’t be greeting me like some lost lover.  He has a new love.  There is no such thing as marriage in heaven, other than to Jesus.  He’s got better things to do than watch me.  He’s not worried about me.  He just talks to God about the big picture that I can’t see.  He doesn’t cry for my pain.  He knows how this will mold me and shape me to make me better.  There are no tears in heaven.  He’s got his mansion and has left me is this falling apart old world.  I thought he was going to provide for me, care for me, support me, protect me . . . and here I am, open and vulnerable, lost and alone.  With no one but you, Lord.  I know, that should be sufficient, but why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?

• Fixed?

  22Jan
  Categories: Remembering Dan Comments: 2

  I want to ask why, but I know the answers . . so asking is pointless. 

  Why did you take him? 

       “My ways are not your ways.” 

  Why did you leave me here alone?

       “I have a plan for you and a purpose.” 

  Why must I endure this pain? 

       “It’s a sin cursed world.” 

   

  Can You fix this hole, Lord? 

       “Yes.”

• Colors

  18Jan
  Categories: Family Updates, Single Parenting Comments: 3

  Benjamin is blue

  Josiah is green

  Abigail is pink

  Hadassah is purple

  Maranatha is yellow

  Payden is red

  And I think we are going to make

  Caleb orange

  No, we have not painted our children, turned them into rainbows, or tried to change their nationality.  In an effort at efficiency I have assigned each child a color.  This has helped in many ways.  Take for instance, toothbrushes.  Yesterday I walked into the bathroom and found Maranatha (2) using a blue toothbrush to brush her teeth.  We are learning something new.  She has found this to be exciting and I’ve found her in the bathroom at odd times, several times through out the last couple of days.  Anyway, it was easy to see that she was using the wrong toothbrush because that is one of the things that we have color coded.  Luckily it wasn’t my blue toothbrush, but rather Benjamin’s. 

  Another thing that we have color coded is cups.  That allows me to put out a row of cups on the table and then any time they are thirsty they just get some water in their cup and have a drink.  This also allows me to see instantly when one child is “stealing” a drink from another child’s cup . . helps to keep germs under control.

  The color code allows them to have ownership.  In a family this size it is often easiest to just view them all as a whole . . . lump them all together, or at least into groups.  So this was thought up to give them some individuality.  The kids have latched on to it.  Abigail told me one day that pink was her favorite color and I wondered how long it would be before she realized that pink was the color that I had assigned to her and that she didn’t actually pick that color herself.  Dassy told me one day when we were out shopping that “blank (whatever the item was) was her’s because it was purple.  That meant that it was time to talk about the limits on that sense of ownership.  =)

• Disappointed in Dan

  17Jan
  Categories: Remembering Dan Comments: 8

  Today is my birthday.   I woke up crying.  I realized that I am a widow at the ripe old age of thirty.  This birthday was something that I was not looking forward to . . for quite some time now.  Now I know why.  I’ve found out a few things I didn’t want to know today.  I got a card from Benjamin and it said, “I love you, Mom.  I miss Dad.”  I can’t focus.  I’m crying at the drop of a hat (and those are being dropped frequently as the kids go in and out playing in the snow in minus ten degree weather!).  So, frankly, it’s been a lousy day.  It’s your fault, Dan.

  I was hoping that Dan would be able to take some of the older kids shopping and they could surprise me with a birthday present this year.  Usually Dan and I just take some time to ourselves and go on a date, but I was hoping the kids would be able to get a bit more involved this year.  Instead I have the kids a little bit more involved and Dan not involved at all.  He’s slackin’ again.