• 17Jan

    Today is my birthday.   I woke up crying.  I realized that I am a widow at the ripe old age of thirty.  This birthday was something that I was not looking forward to . . for quite some time now.  Now I know why.  I’ve found out a few things I didn’t want to know today.  I got a card from Benjamin and it said, “I love you, Mom.  I miss Dad.”  I can’t focus.  I’m crying at the drop of a hat (and those are being dropped frequently as the kids go in and out playing in the snow in minus ten degree weather!).  So, frankly, it’s been a lousy day.  It’s your fault, Dan.

    I was hoping that Dan would be able to take some of the older kids shopping and they could surprise me with a birthday present this year.  Usually Dan and I just take some time to ourselves and go on a date, but I was hoping the kids would be able to get a bit more involved this year.  Instead I have the kids a little bit more involved and Dan not involved at all.  He’s slackin’ again.

  • 17Jan

    It hurts to talk to you, Lord.  In some ways I guess I expected you to protect me from this.  Logically and theoretically I know that isn’t always possible, but it still hurts.  I know what I’ve learned all my life about your goodness, about you working in mysterious ways, about your omniscience and how you can see the big picture, etc, but now we find out if I really believe all that.  Am I just mouthing what I’ve learned?  Am I willing to put what I’ve learned into action?  Is this heart felt or is it all head knowledge?  Am I lying when I say I trust you?  Am I just setting myself up for a big fall?

  • 17Jan

    I saw some tears from Benjamin. 

    I went in to check on them (Benjamin and Josiah) after they went to bed and stopped to ask them “Do you feel bad when you make Mommy cry?”

    “Yes”

    So I told them . . “You aren’t making Mommy cry.  It’s not your fault.  Mommy just misses Daddy” 

    Josiah said “Dassy says that Mommy never cries.”  Slight error since I think it was really Abigail who said that, and huge error in that “never” is SO untrue.  “Mommy cries a lot, Josiah.  And it’s o.k. to cry.  In fact it’s good to cry.”

    Benjamin perked up and with big ole tears in his eyes he said “I just want to hug Daddy.” 

    Oh my poor heart! 

    “I just want to hug Daddy, too, Benjamin.”

  • 17Jan

    I had a moment of joy today and I grabbed it and sang and danced.  It was refreshing, relieving, and encouraging, to have that little bit of joy and energy flowing through my veins.  But where did it go?  I feel so lost and confused.  The littlest of things can throw me off.  Not having any idea what to make for supper can be enough to make me want to run and hide.  Looking at the toys scattered all over the floor is enough to send me into tears.  Making a decision about what color socks to wear while listening to two or three different things from my kids (that all, of course, demand immediate answers) is enough to cause me to doubt my sanity.  Where is that inner strength and calm I used to have?  Did I rely on Dan so much or is it just the emotional turmoil of the situation?

  • 17Jan

    I danced with Benjamin today and he smiled and gave me a look that said “it’s been a while”.

     

    My pappy took me to pick up my van (they replaced the transmission – all under warranty!). 

    I knew someone thought I was worth the effort.

    He asked how I was doing, and he really wanted to know. 

    I knew someone cared. 

    We stopped afterwards for some doughnuts. 

    I knew someone wanted to spend some time with me. 

    We didn’t talk a whole lot, but

    I knew someone loved me. 

    We had to leave sooner rather than later because there was a baby at home crying for some milk and there were some teenagers at the next table who didn’t know how to talk, but

                I knew that someone thought I was important.

    So, I went home and sang a song while making supper and I danced.

    Thank you, Pappy.  I love you