• 19Dec
    Categories: Family Updates, Single Parenting, Uncategorized Comments Off on Land, Van, and baby

    Lots of pretty snow today . . . and ice.  I drove the van first thing this morning and it did really well with the difficult driving conditions.  Thanks again Phil and Rosa!! for bringing it up from NC and to all of you who helped with the cost of purchasing such a vehicle for us.  I was so glad to upgrade from our previous vehicle which was really starting to make me have serious problems with my Christian walk.  =)

    Of course, walking has been an interesting problem lately, too.  I don’t remember any of my babies (all 6!) ever dropping noticeably.  This one has, though.  So my hips are kind of out of wack, my stomach sticks into everything I try to do (even eat my hoagie sandwhich last night!), and I’m waddling around worse than a duck on dope.  I can just see Dan laughing at me in heaven. 

    We have been looking at options for land during the last two or three days and have narrowed them down to two pieces.  We have about $20,000 available, but either piece looks like it could cost somewhere between $30 and $35.  The one piece has the sewer, septic and electric on it already, but it also has tenants.  The other piece is already perked, cleared, ready to build and has great possibilities as far as resale goes (not that the other one doesn’t).  We would like your prayers as we chose the piece and also for the finances to buy the piece. 

    Your continued support is greatly appreciated.  Keep praying!!!!

  • 17Dec
    Categories: Family Updates, Remembering Dan, Single Parenting, Uncategorized Comments Off on Disappearing

    His toothbrush needs tossed, the tic tacs are gone, the door he put up was replaced, the van he bought and cleaned is being sold, his deoderant is gone . . . normal things that happen in the course of events. Usually you just replace those items without even thinking. So buy another thing of deoderant. Get some more tic tacs. Find another toothbrush. But when he is gone, there is no reason to replace those items. Another little pin poking the already soft heart, reminding me that he is gone. Something else is disappearing and taking another little part of Dan with it. In this way, the kids are something of a comfort. They are a little piece of Dan that I can continue to hold on to. They are a little part of Dan that I’m hoping to be able to take to heaven with me. They are a little part of Dan that is eternal. So, once again, I must say that I am blessed. The little daily reminders might be disapearing, but the part of Dan that will last forever I still have with me.

    Things have been a bit soggy (weepy) again here lately, but we have been hanging in there. The kids are struggling with cabin fever, boredom, loss of Dad who at least created a flucuation in schedule, and spoiling. Currently Uncle Phil and Rosa are visiting and we are at Nana’s so the boredom issue has been relieved,and the snow and ice we just got has helped with some of the cabin fever. That makes things a little bit easier.

    Also, good news, the van that we bought in NC has arrived safe and sound. It looks wonderful. Nana drove it last night in the icy weather and said that it did real well.

    Still waiting on baby, but I guess that isn’t too surprising since he isn’t due until next week. I have decided that I need to make good use of the time that I have where baby is contained and not demanding attention. The rest of the kids need attention too, and it will be difficult to give them that attention once the baby shows up. Still don’t want a Christmas baby, but once again I must relax in the Lord and trust that He knows what He is doing.

  • 15Dec
    Categories: Family Updates Comments Off on Update

    Monday and still waiting.  Found out my midwife is sick so I guess that’s why the Lord is holding off on things.  Heartburn is nasty, kids are antsy and cranky, Mom is tired (found out I was forgetting to take my prenatal pill — Ooops!!), but other than that we are doing fine. 

    Maranatha crawled into bed with me last night and said “I want Dad”  (or maybe she just said “I want in”).  I told her I did too, and let her cuddle for a while. 

    Payden is walking.  It’s so funny to watch him screw up his nose and close his eyes and chuckle delightedly as he takes off.  He thinks he’s hot stuff.  =)  He hasn’t figured out yet that he would have a better chance of staying upright if he kept his eyes open.

  • 13Dec
    Categories: Family Updates, Single Parenting, Uncategorized Comments Off on Still waiting

    It’s Saturday and I’m still waiting for the baby to come.  I think that the baby has dropped, but other than the rare contraction there hasn’t been any excitement.  I figure if I go two weeks late that I can have this baby on Dan’s birthday.  I have to admit that I’m not real excited about waiting that long.  We celebrated Payden’s birthday on Wednesday.  We made him a cake and ate supper at our neighbor’s house.  He made a big mess, of course, just like all the kids did on their first birthday.  We managed to get several pictures.  Maybe one of these days I’ll figure out how to get them where you can see them. 

    The rest of the kids seem to be doing fine.  They are getting spoiled rotten by all this attention, but haven’t forgotten all their training yet.

    I’m doing o.k.  I’m keeping busy at this point and that helps.  There just seems to be something about the air or something in PA because I’ve been in bed by 9 almost every night and usually asleep in about 15 minutes.  Some of that might be baby . . . I have been taking naps, too.

    We are making Christmas cookies today . . a Royer tradition.  Actually, I haven’t done much baking yet, but that is where I’m headed next.  I did get a look at all the various properties that we are considering for the new house.  A lot of options to chew over. . .

    Still lots to think about, lots of decisions to make, and tons of things to do.  So keep praying.

  • 11Dec
    Categories: Family Updates, Uncategorized Comments Off on 12-11

    We made it.  We had a long trip to Nana’s (over 12 hours with all the stops) and while going into labor was a concern we managed to avoid that.  I’m still trying to rest up and hoping that things will kick in here soon and we will have this baby.  My heartburn pills are gone.  =(

    Emotionally, . . I seem to be struggling with depression a bit.  I’ve been keeping busy and that helps to keep it at bay, but it still seems to be there, hiding.  Normal I’m sure, but still something that needs dealt with.  If I give in to the temptation to live in depression then just what am I saying about the goodness and provision of my Lord?  Depression seems like a lack of trust in His plan. 

    The kids are doing fine.  The boys finished up this semester’s worth of school work (since we started in July) already so we are in the midst of Christmas break.  That actually makes it a bit more difficult to keep them all busy.  That is kind of hard under normal circumstances, but now I’m trying to do it in strange surroundings without all my little bits of stuff that I’ve collected over the years that spark imagination (e.g. puff balls, old magazines, material pieces, colored paper, limited scrapbooking stuff, glue, paintbrushes, and whatever else I can find).  Abigail did tell me today that she was ready to go back to Grandma’s already.  Josiah quickly informed her that we had to wait until after the baby was born first.  He doesn’t seem at all surprised that it is taking so long.  Benjamin is needing lots of cuddle time . . kind of strange for such a self-sufficient 6 year old.  I’m trying, but it’s hard to cuddle with this much tummy.

    Baby is doing fine.  Still moving and squirming around . . sets off contractions every so often . . but not enough to do anything about yet.  I have a midwife here in PA who has volunteered to help with the birth (and she has a whirlpool–loved the water birth with Payden) for virtually nothing.  So once again the Lord is providing in stupendous ways.  I am looking forward to getting this over and done with, though. 

    Keep praying.  I won’t be updating this quite as frequently for a little while, but we will still be needing your prayers, especially with the arrival of a new little one.

  • 09Dec
    Categories: Uncategorized Comments Off on God’s Provision

    Wow!!  Once again God is providing above and beyond what I need.  We had one more big debt that I felt obligated to pay (not counting medical bills, but we still don’t know what is going on there), and the Lord just sent me a check that covered it all, with some left over.  That was one that He provided before we even had a clue that it would be needed.

    So, what started off as a somewhat depressing day has improved greatly.  I spent a large portion of the day packing up stuff to take to PA with me.  Alas, my days of high speed internet are about over.  I am seriously considering a few options in PA, but most are quite expensive.  I just don’t know if I’ll be able to handle dial-up anymore, though.  Dan has spoiled me tremendously in that area. 

    I thought, too, the other day, “Thank you ever so much, Lord, for having Dan get this laptop.”  It truly has been a blessing in disguise.  We often joked that the computer was Dan’s other wife.  I was the round wife and the computer was the square wife.  “Which wife are you going to spend time with tonight?” I might ask.  Or we would comment on just how round I really was here lately . . and how it seemed like I was always round (pregnant) . . or maybe just complain about what a square the square wife was. . . we always had jokes flying around like that.  Sometimes I would just be blunt (since he didn’t take hints very well), and say something like “the Round wife wants some attention!  She’s getting jealous of that square one again! ”  Needless to say the computer and I have had somewhat of a love/hate relationship (sound familiar Wayne?), and to find myself so . . dependant on it at this point in time seems a little odd to me.  But then again, maybe it just makes me feel a bit closer to Dan somehow.

    My aunt Jennifer (don’t be deceived . . she’s only a couple of months older than I am) arrived this evening.  I hope she gets some sleep because tomorrow (morning I hope), we plan to set off for PA.   And speaking of sleep. . . I think I need to get some too.  It is at least a 12 hour trip with kids and I’m going to need my rest.  Looks like we might get some sleet and ice in the morning and I would like to get passed all that as soon as possible.


  • 07Dec
    Categories: Family Updates, Remembering Dan, Single Parenting, Uncategorized Comments Off on 12-07

    Good News All,

    We bought the van.  It is an 11 passenger with two captain (bucket) seats and two bench seats.  2007, looks to be in great shape, plenty of space for buckling car seats, and it even comes with DVD player installed for those long trips from PA to MI that I’m sure we will be doing on a regular basis.  To the hundreds of you who have sent your financial contributions, I thank you with all my heart.  My children thank you as well as this will eliminate a certain amount of frustration that has caused me to become less than congenial when trying to go someplace with all of them along.

    Also, many thanks to those who responded, whether with prayer, comments, or love, to my last post “dreams”.  Your support on such a heartbreaking day was needed tremendously.  I tried writing later that evening, but just couldn’t bear the pain.  It was the worst that it has ever been.  I’m hoping that I don’t have too many more dreams like that in the near future.  It is very difficult to focus on other needs, on others at all, with that emotional heartbreak wringing every drop of energy from my being.  I’ve always considered myself to be a somewhat level headed individual (blond actions not withstanding) with very few passionate outbursts . . but apparently there is some passion buried in there somewhere.

    And while I would love to fill you all in some more, I’m afraid I overstayed my welcome on facebook and seem to be falling asleep while preparing this post.  A good sign if you ask me.

    Thanks again to all of you!!!



  • 06Dec
    Categories: Remembering Dan, Uncategorized Comments Off on Dreams

    I see him across the way at the library.  There are so many emotions rolling through me, frustration, anger, longing, love, sadness, etc . . I look around for something to “read” where I can watch him.  He’s tutoring someone, but I can’t see anyone else around him.  He’s got his leather jacket on and boy! does he look good.  He smiles at me with that smile that says we’ve got secrets, history together.  Then it’s time to head to the elevator.  I see the crowd and smile with anticipation.  You can get really close in a crowded elevator without anyone noticing.  Maybe a touch . . .  But oh, the disappointment when I realize that despite the crowd, despite how close I was able to get, he still just fades away the moment I try to lean into him.

    I didn’t realize dreams could be so realistically cruel and so emotionally acurate.  Those emotions are still boiling within as I wake up and try to face another day without my husband.  It’s so hard to even contemplate facing the real world today; the needs of my children, the reality of dirty diapers, breakfast, clean up, projects, decisions . . what does it matter?  Maybe if I go back to sleep I can try again . . maybe he won’t disappear this time . .

    I’m reminded again of a line in a movie.  I thought it was true when Dan and I first watched it and said so to him.  Now it seems even more so.  The wife, thinking her husband is cheating on her, is talking to a private investigator and she says that being married is all about having someone to witness your life . . to make your life meaningful.  There are so many little things that happen during the day, things that maybe only a spouse would notice, maybe things that only a spouse would see, things that you would share with only your spouse . . and when that is no longer there, that part of your life is missing.  Where are the last 7 years of my life.  Who will share those memories with me?  Who will balance out those memories and add that other dimension to the memories we have made?  Who will make more memories with me?  In some ways I guess that is a good reason not to isolate yourself with only your spouse.  We need other people, friends, co-workers, neighbors, to be actively involved in our lives . . .  There are still things that only a spouse will share, but at least the last 7 years of my life haven’t disappeared entirely.

    That is where you and this blog come in, my friends.  Writing, sharing, opening these little windows into my day allow you to be the witness of my life.  When you write comments, notes, e-mails, cards, or whatever I am comforted in knowing that another little piece of my life has been noticed.  Another piece of my life will not disappear.

    The human factor in all this is not to be discounted (since that is the way that God created us), but it’s so easy for me to forget that there is God.  He is “omni-present”.  He can see everything, He knows everything, and He is the reason that my life has purpose.  He is my loving spouse who sees all the little things that no one else can see.  He will remember more (and more acurately) than Dan ever could or would.

    So often I feel like the surgery and the following week was all part of a bad dream.  That Dan is just at work, maybe he had to stay in WV, he’s out doing his thing somewhere; whatever the case, he will be back and will make this all seem silly.  And then something hits, something reminds me, and the turmoil, the pain, the reality of it all is back.

    I miss his touch.  I think I need to go hug my babies.

  • 04Dec
    Categories: Family Updates, Remembering Dan, Uncategorized Comments Off on Better day
    Feeling much better today . . plans for this evening to keep me occupied . . a second trip to Wal-Mart that didn’t leave me feeling lost. –Well that is the wrong use of that word since I felt quite lost in Wal-Mart today. The store in Clarksburg was set up backwards compared to the one here in Holland (or probably the other way around). . I did feel lost it just wasn’t an emotional lost, but rather a physical lost.
    Anyway, I’m going to keep it short because I have other things I want to get to. Suffice it to say the day went well. I still need some more sleep, but I’m sure that will be an ongoing thing for a while.
  • 03Dec
    Categories: Uncategorized Comments Off on Crying over tic tacs

    I’m crying tonight.  It’s been such a long day.  I wasn’t feeling well again, the boys were giving me some trouble with school, the house was a mess, laundry that needed to be done still isn’t done, the girls wanted undivided attention, and to top it all off, Maranatha ate my tic tacs.  Tic Tacs? you say . . big deal.  A little extra sugar never hurt anyone.  Bet she doesn’t have bad breath.  Normally I would agree with you and say “they’re cheap, we can buy more”.  But for some reason these tic tacs are special.  Dan picked them up for the both of us . . so I could kiss him . . if the tic tacs are gone I won’t be able to kiss him anymore.  Of course, logically that doesn’t make sense because it’s not the tic tacs keeping me from kissing him anymore, but I’m finding that grief really isn’t all that logical.

    So now you know the truth.  I’m not some strong brave soldier willing to take up any cross for her Lord, rather I’m a weak, spineless sap of a woman who falls apart over a few tic tacs.  I came downstairs to hear my children discussing why I was mad at them . . . and I was just so upset that I didn’t even know how to rectify the situation.  I should be hugging them more . . sharing love in a very real way . . and I’m just afraid to let someone touch me for fear I’ll fall apart.

    But to copy the psalmist, I do have much to be grateful for.  Sharon showed up at a key moment, let me vent, shared some of her experiences, and got me into a much calmer mood.  Then she took care of supper for the kids and took all but the youngest two off to AWANA (with Eric’s help).  Aunt Lorna stopped by today, distracted the kids for a few moments, and brought us some groceries.  We got some good news on house stuff.  I got an e-mail from Uncle Phil that made me laugh and smile.  The boys did finish their school work.  The kids do know that I love them and will eventually forget all about this event (except for anything they might read in the future).  And with a little bit of sleep, things should slip back into perspective tomorrow.  I did have almost all of my kids come visit me at some point or other last night which could account for my “relapse” and lack of sleep.

    And speaking of lack of sleep, I think I’m going to try to go take care of that problem.  Thanks again to all of you who are praying for me.  I guess there has to be rough days . . I just wish I could handle them a bit better. . . time will help, and so will God.