I see him across the way at the library. There are so many emotions rolling through me, frustration, anger, longing, love, sadness, etc . . I look around for something to “read” where I can watch him. He’s tutoring someone, but I can’t see anyone else around him. He’s got his leather jacket on and boy! does he look good. He smiles at me with that smile that says we’ve got secrets, history together. Then it’s time to head to the elevator. I see the crowd and smile with anticipation. You can get really close in a crowded elevator without anyone noticing. Maybe a touch . . . But oh, the disappointment when I realize that despite the crowd, despite how close I was able to get, he still just fades away the moment I try to lean into him.
I didn’t realize dreams could be so realistically cruel and so emotionally acurate. Those emotions are still boiling within as I wake up and try to face another day without my husband. It’s so hard to even contemplate facing the real world today; the needs of my children, the reality of dirty diapers, breakfast, clean up, projects, decisions . . what does it matter? Maybe if I go back to sleep I can try again . . maybe he won’t disappear this time . .
I’m reminded again of a line in a movie. I thought it was true when Dan and I first watched it and said so to him. Now it seems even more so. The wife, thinking her husband is cheating on her, is talking to a private investigator and she says that being married is all about having someone to witness your life . . to make your life meaningful. There are so many little things that happen during the day, things that maybe only a spouse would notice, maybe things that only a spouse would see, things that you would share with only your spouse . . and when that is no longer there, that part of your life is missing. Where are the last 7 years of my life. Who will share those memories with me? Who will balance out those memories and add that other dimension to the memories we have made? Who will make more memories with me? In some ways I guess that is a good reason not to isolate yourself with only your spouse. We need other people, friends, co-workers, neighbors, to be actively involved in our lives . . . There are still things that only a spouse will share, but at least the last 7 years of my life haven’t disappeared entirely.
That is where you and this blog come in, my friends. Writing, sharing, opening these little windows into my day allow you to be the witness of my life. When you write comments, notes, e-mails, cards, or whatever I am comforted in knowing that another little piece of my life has been noticed. Another piece of my life will not disappear.
The human factor in all this is not to be discounted (since that is the way that God created us), but it’s so easy for me to forget that there is God. He is “omni-present”. He can see everything, He knows everything, and He is the reason that my life has purpose. He is my loving spouse who sees all the little things that no one else can see. He will remember more (and more acurately) than Dan ever could or would.
So often I feel like the surgery and the following week was all part of a bad dream. That Dan is just at work, maybe he had to stay in WV, he’s out doing his thing somewhere; whatever the case, he will be back and will make this all seem silly. And then something hits, something reminds me, and the turmoil, the pain, the reality of it all is back.
I miss his touch. I think I need to go hug my babies.